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HOLD. THE. PHONE. I usually don’t report news, but I have no choice but to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you quite possibly the most disturbing, yet hilarious news you’ve heard all year. I’d like you to meet Alfie Patten, a strapping young 13 yr. old British lad and his new baby, Maisie. Alfie stands 4 ft tall, and when asked how he and his girlfriend would afford the baby he told The Sun, “I thought it would be good to have a baby. We didn’t really think about how we would afford it. I don’t really get pocket money (allowance). My dad sometimes gives me ten bucks.”
Alfie’s dad, who sold these pictures to The Sun, says that “Alfie could have shrugged his shoulders and sat at home on his Playstation, but he’s been at the hospital every day.” Well, sounds like he’s shaping up to become dad of the year! The baby is living with Chantelle, Alfie’s 15 yr. old girlfriend (he’s quite the ladies man) and her family of six, currently being supported by the government. BONUS: Alfie is allowed to “stay the night.”
Check the full article for pictures of Alfie and his girlfriend, or if you don’t believe me. Because I almost didn’t.
Photo courtesy of thesun.co.uk
She kinda looks like Sloth from the Goonies. I mean there is something seriously wrong with that girl’s face.
If I were him, I’d claim rape. She’s at least twice his size. Seriously.
i know. it seems like guys used to be bigger than that in 9th grade. i mean 13, thats 9th right? what the heck. she’s like a sasquash compared to him
that’s cute but it’s kinda scary
i agree with the scary. not sure about the cute. haha. welcome diane!
His dad’s right though, I mostly went with “at home with Playstation” on my first two children, and then stepped up my game on the third child with hospital visits.
Did you ever see “The Ice Storm”? The couple reminds me of the Christina Ricci character seducing the younger brother of the Elijah Wood character.
actually michael, most normal people would say “ice storm? what the ?” but since i was obsessed with elijah wood until i was 15 and realized he looks creepy, i DID SEE IT!!!
At least you admit you are abnormal. Me, I just have really sophisticated taste in movies.
Elijah Wood is creepy looking though, his turn in “Sin City” really cemented that in my mind.
yea, his eyes used to be appealing michael, now they are just like total creeptown alienish
I believe he’s a 7th grader. I have two favorite parts in this story, neither having anything to do with the hideous baby mama.
1. The father is going to sit him down and have the “birds and the bees” talk with him now. Great timing, d-bag.
2. The father has like 10 kids with god knows how many women.
seriously, dale, the baby mama … ouch. haha birds and bees.. yea. nice touch there. i know, both of their parents seem to be pretty white trashy with tons of kids all on welfare.
Ok Brit – THAT IS IT! You are one of my favorite people – I was obsessed with Elijah Wood – hell I even threw him a 13th birthday party (I guess he couldn’t make it??) back in middle school. My friends and I watched North over and over and over…
But on this kid – I think we need to call CPS on the parents. I mean – WTH!?!
haha oh jules… i remember NORTH… what a retarded movie. oh man. him and jonathan taylor thomas and the guy from Rookie of the year. can i get a witness?
Elijah Wood? Really?
Hey – Elijah Wood was super cute before his hobbit days alright?? At 13 – he was dreamy, right Brit?
Man was north a bad movie. I did also watch “The Good Son” and anything else he was in repeatedly.
oh my gosh i know julie. every single crap movie he was in for even a second i had to have. leonardo dicaprio as well. i even watched what’s eating gilbert grape where he was retarded and not attractive in the slightest
Hey, if you want to obsess over 13 year old Elijah Wood, more power to you.
It’s just a shame you couldn’t have picked someone with actual talent.
whitty. . YES REALLY! of course he didn’t have talent. do you think that matters to hormone obsessed middle school girls? do guys really worry about how talented a girl is when she poses for playboy? thats what i thought
ok ok ok…….he appears to be 9 and she looks like a 17 year old. How on earth was he not squished during this act of “love”! She looks like one of those creepy girls who will become a teacher and have relations with her students.
haha. yes dana… thats exactly what i thought! she’s so creeptown. i guess they only had sex just the one time…. poor stupid kids.
hahaha – Brit – good one.
I don’t love him NOW whitty – just a teenage dream is all… better than my crush on Keanu Reeves ala speed.
jules. it’s offical we ARE the same person. i cannot tell u how many times i watched that part in speed where he kisses sandra bullock. i had such a mad crazy crush on him!
The difference is the playboy girls are at least hot. Very very hot. And you can always HOPE they have talent, but you don’t know one way or the other so they remain a mystery. I like to pretend they’re all rocket scientists with very interesting personalities who just happen to be ridiculously good looking.
But Elijah Wood and Keanu “Woah” Reeves? You know they’re worthless.
South Park did a really good treatment on the curse of adolescent beauty, about how all the great achievements in science and the arts are accomplished by really ugly people whose lack of social opportunity affords them the necessary practice time to be truly great at a discipline (Malcolm Gladwell speculates 10,000 hours in “Outliers”).
How many programming hours would Bill Gates have put in if he were captain of the football team? I’m thinking none.
Hence being ridiculously good looking could actually inhibit the honing of talent.
michael, see thats what happened to poor little elijah. if he hadn’t of been such a middle school hottie he would have become a great actor.
Brit – I did the same thing – I’ll never forget watching the movie for the first time at my friends house… when they jumped the bridge gap her dad goes
“That’s some bus” and we both got VERY mad at him and made him leave.. how DARE he insult Keanu? I mean… so what I was 13 and he was 33.. whats 20 years when you’re in love?
Whitty – Atleast our crushes can actually memorize a script. Your’s just answer silly questions in “articles”
i hear ya jules. and i’d get so pissed when my parents would like walk downstairs while we were rewinding it over and over and then pausing it on his beautiful face – they’d be like, what you guys up to. then they’d stand there and talk to us and i was like, can you just get out already so we can keep feeding our inappropriate crush?
Plenty of Playboy girls and models moved onto acting, so they can do it too.
And question answering for the articles (that I most definitely read) is a very fine science and usually includes very thought provoking questions, such as “What is your favorite sexual position?” and “What turns you on most?”
Not just anyone can answer those questions correctly.
ugh. whitty. whitty. whitty. talent at it’s best
How bout the Blockbuster smash starring Elijah Wood and Macully Culkin (not even gonna google the spelling). I liked it a lot because it was the first ‘R’ rated film I had ever seen, I think (or maybe that was Action Jackson), and because “Kevin” made me realize Elijah was a little biznatch.
oh man dale, well whatever the name was i’m pretty sure i watched it. macaulay is another one… i was like, come on over Kevin we can be home alone together.
Dale.. aww… “The Good Son” – I developed a teenage hate for Culkin for the way he treated my Elijah in that movie… crazy mofo..
No way. This made me want to go hit someone. I didn’t even know 13-year-olds COULD get a girl preggers
i know right rach? how is THIS even possible?
wait, what? how did this turn into a convo about my middle school obsession with elijah wood and inappropriate crush on keanu reeves????
what you didnt report honey is that in the last few days 2 other boys have come forward saying “actually i had sex with that girl and i think i could be the father” and another 5 boys have said they too were having sex with her. so there is potentially 8 boys that could be father. The parents are pushing a DNA test. In an interview I saw with Alfie the reporter asked “have you thought about how you will handle the financials of having a baby?” and he replied “wa’s [what's] financials?”…. and really they are from Surrey, its not really all that surprising haha Slurrey’s from Surreys is what they all say haha.
oh man susi.. thanks for the scoop – it really hasn’t been on the news over here at ALL. i happened across the article on the internet, so i just had to say something… oh man, what a slut that girl is!
Elijah Wood can act, he was brilliant in the Rings trilogy and knows the game inside and out.
Keanu has a presence, he’s a pro, not as much of a thespian, but as a ridiculously good looking Canadian he is more a movie star than an actor.
I’s makin more a point about the dichotomy between skill development and looks as it relates to non-professional adolescents.
well, maybe lord of the rings was a streak of luck for poor elijah.. but i’m just not a fan of him anymore.
keanu… sorry, but i still think he’s a horrible actor. nice to look at though. I agree with you though michael, alot of these kids are probably so sidetracked by being in every “tiger beat” and little kid magazine and constantly warding off screaming girls that they don’t think they need to improve their skills. if only puberty wouldn’t come along and ruin everything.
i will keep you posted!!! haha.
by the way when you wrote on you comment to my post “ah reasons why i love travelling back to el salvador’ that you lived in mexico for a while… was that running away from another psycho date? hehe
ooo susi cheeky hehe.
no no susi…. that was when i decided to clear out my bank account and leave the country with a girl i barely knew. she had studied abroad down there and wanted to go back and visit so i was like, hey i’ll go. um yea. probably not the smartest choice. but i had the time of my life. When i moved to London was when i ran away from the psycho..
“macaulay is another one… i was like, come on over Kevin we can be home alone together.”
Hopefully quoting the elephant is legal. I just wanted everyone to know that I lol’d.
Also, I just lost my “LOL”, or any form thereof, virginity. I only use it in spoken form.
haha. oh dale. you slay me. mwahahha.
it’s not legal to quote ‘lil phant, but it is indeed legal to quote the elephant..so your aight.
sadly, it’s true though. i cannot tell u how many times i watched that movie. it’s still one of my favorites. except not in a i want to have kevin’s illegitimate child kind of way anymore.
wow. yeah, i’d have to agree with the idea of reporting all of these crazies to CPS. what a crazy world we live in.
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ridiculous. wow.