This blog has moved to www.bluntdelivery.com
For all the reasons, please visit Why I Hate Women: Oh Let Me Count The Ways.
This blog has moved to www.bluntdelivery.com
For all the reasons, please visit Why I Hate Women: Oh Let Me Count The Ways.
If you are trying to access my new website www.bluntdelivery.com it is currently undergoing maintanence so that this blog will automatically redirect. It might be unavailable for up to 2 days, but most likely not that long.
So don’t forsake me forever.
I know I’ve put you through alot lately.
Well, it’s one month shy of my first post here at The Daily Elephant. I would like to say a big thank you to all of you out there who actually take time out of your extremely busy lives [or so you say..] to read about my ridiculous life. It has been my pleasure to get to know you all. As much as I’ve loved my big, oversized, wrinkly elephant skin, – I need some space to breathe. You know how I get restless.
The time has come to announce my new website, and I thank you for your patience. Oh wait, you were a bunch of crazy LUNATICS continually griping in my ear everyday.
I want you to know that in this era of social networking, twittering, and myspacing that YOU are the first ones to know about this wonderous new development. And let me tell you something, you better come visit me cus that blog is nekkid!!! And no, it’s not the kind of nekkid you’d be excited about. I spend countless hours copying some of my favorite blogs onto the new website so it wouldn’t be empty and now there are ZERO comments. It’s as if I have the most hated blog on the planet. Boo hoo. First one to comment wins… uh… my heart?
We all know that I’m challenged when it comes to things like choosing names, significant others, or things from the dollar menu. So you can IMAGINE the heartache I suffered over the name of my new website. Afterall, I’m pretty hard to please and I’d like to be happy with this for more than a year. So I thought long and hard about the general nature of my blogs and conversations with friends. And one thing kept coming to mind- I’m very direct. And I like it that way. And I like others to be that way with me. So I present to you my new website, designed by yours truly:
***FAVOR: All of you that have The Daily Elephant listed on your blog roll, could you pretty pretty please change that to bluntdelivery.com??? I will love you forever.
And just for that, I have some fabulous new blogs for you right at the top of the pile, including:
Not to mention that there is now a picture up of Kenny and I from the actual night in question from my post The Kenny Chronicles: How We Met
BOO-YA! Told you I’d have it up by today. There’s all sorts of new things for you to feast your eyes on, so you’ll have to look through the categories. I am also introducing THE SKINNY, which is where I’ll be telling you the deal about products, websites, and things that will either revolutionize or destroy your life.
See ya around kids.
Posted in contests, daily dilemmas, family affairs, famous people, featured blogs, in the news, poli-tics me off, reality tv, self discovery, the holidays, the Kenny Chronicles, the science of dating, the younger years | Tagged blogging, contests, funny, humor, news, random | 6 Comments »
Alas, the moment is almost upon us…
How I’ve missed all of you in the past couple weeks. I’m sure it was harder for you than it was for me, thus, I vow never to put you through such unspeakable anxiety like that again.
I will be announcing my new website at the end of this week – either Thursday or Friday. Um. That is where you’re supposed to show me your excited face, and I’m not too impressed so far. So check back as I will have many new and exiting things for you to explore. Did I mention that every visitor gets a FREE SNUGGIE?!!!!!
In other exciting news, I have another story being published in Chicken Soup for the Soul. It is the “Campus Chronicles” edition coming out on April 7th. Unlike my first one, which was a bit cheesy [ I mean, I’d never even read these books so I didn’t know what they wanted ] this is a seductive tale of forbidden college romance. A true story, of course, of a guy who changed my life.
One of my goals for 2009 was to “stop fabricating the truth” so that means that what you are about to witness is actually forreal.
Again, I am sorry for the GIANT space between blogs here… all good things come to those who wait. Or have money. Whichever. So, those of you who know my parents will understand that this blog is absolutely true. Those of you who don’t know my parents, might now understand how I became the freak that I am today. My family is hilarious. We’re like the token Italian family they always showcase in movies, who talk over eachother and have 8 different conversations happening at once. Except, my mom isn’t even Italian. And I don’t have 7 siblings named after famous Italian statues.
First, there’s a couple of things you must know about my parents to fully appreciate this story. My dad is quite possibly the funniest person alive – to everyone except my mother, who never gets any of his jokes. On the other hand, no one on earth ever laughs at my mother’s jokes, except my mother, because they are just horrendous. My dad and I often challenge each other to see who can ignore her jokes the best, because if we give her even the slightest bit of encouragement she will keep repeating them. over. and. over. In a nutshell, they are on completely different wavelengths. In fact, the only thing they might have in common is their confusion over anything related to pop culture.
We’re watching American Idol, some nerdy kid sings, and my mom loves it.
mom: you know who he reminds me of? that kid on King of the Lords.
dad: King of the Lords?!? you mean, Ring of the Lords?
mom: oh, IM SORRY. that’s right, I meant Ring of the Lords.
me: no. no. it’s Lord of the Rings.
mom: well, I like him. he reminded me of Clay Aiken.
me: I guess. I like Clay Aiken. Can’t believe he had a kid.
mom: a kid???? he got married?
me: not exactly. he artifically inseminated his 40 yr old roommate and then he came out of the closet.
mom: WHAT?!?! since when?
me: like, a year ago?
dad: [randomnly changing the subject] you know, if you need get those pictures off my camera I’ve got a SUB cord and you can hook it up.
me: SUB? what? It’s not a car we’re talking about here. you mean a USB cord?
dad: Oh gosh, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me tonight. Sometimes I transpose my numbers.
me: …… sigh… you mean letters? [going to grab some paper so I can write all of this down]
[Nathaniel, the annoying emo kid sings…]
mom: he looks like he has a booger in his nose.
me: it’s a nose ring.
mom: so tell me more about this Clay Adkins?
me: it’s AIKEN.
mom: so does he have a boyfriend then?
dad: well that’s usually how it goes.
[then Jose, the Puerto Rican sings his song and gets emotional afterwards]
dad: [all annoyed] well you know he’ll make it now
me: cus he cried?
dad: of course. but you know who I liked was that little brunette. She was the best one with the best voice that messed up the worst.
[meanwhile, “‘Lil Rounds” (which is where I got my inspiration for ‘Lil Phant) sings her R&B song….]
mom: well that was just terrible. She’d of been better off singing Mary Had A Little Lamb than that crap. it was like black on a chalkboard.
dad: well that’s cus you just don’t get it. That girl’s gotta lot of class.
me: you said black on a chalkboard.
I understand it’s been a bit of a ghost town around here. My only question is, why are you wearing chaps? Really, it’s not necessary.
Anyway, I’m really working hard on this new website… and I’m pretty sure it’ll be worth it. You’re going to luuuurve it darlings. So, we are making sacrifices for the better good. Wait, I didn’t know this blog was a socialist. But listen, exciting things you have to look forward to on the new website: Kenny will be revealed, the elephant will come out of the closet, new blogs, snazzy new layout, and of course, absolute hilariousness. So can you hold tight just a little bit longer or what??????
Me: [picking up my phone] Yup.
Kenny: Okay. Before I say this, you can’t turn this into a blog.
Me: What? Are you forreal?
Kenny: Yes, I’m very real. you can’t write about what I’m telling you.
Me: I really don’t think it’s necessary for you to say that.
Kenny: I’m just saying… don’t.
Me: I think I can tell the difference between something that I should and shouldn’t write a blog about.
Kenny: Well it doesn’t hurt to give the disclaimer.
Me: I’m offended.
Kenny: No you’re not.
Me: No I’m not. It probably is better that you use the disclaimer. I am actually a pretty poor judge of what I should write about. So this must be about a girl.
Kenny: Ok… so the other night….
Me: [interrupting] Ok, but can I write about this?
Kenny: What do you mean, I just told you that you couldn’t.
Me: No, I mean the fact that you told me I couldn’t write the blog. Can I write a blog about that?
Kenny: NO. Just leave it alone.
So, I took some time out of my busy day, actually took a shower, actually put on some real pants, and went to get a massage. The entire time I was there, I was writing this blog in my head. I’ll start from the beginning.
I’m standing there naked (but fully robed) (although the robes are like paper thin) (but at least it’s dimly lit) OK. I’m standing there and right off the bat the massage girl says:
girl: So just go ahead and get in the bed, I’ll step out for a second.
me: Ok. sounds good.
girl: Oh, so you’re a massage therapist then?
me: (a little bit freaked out that this complete stranger would ask me this) Um, well… that’s a long story. But not exactly.
girl: Oh, well it says in your file that you were going to massage therapy school.
me: (wondering why in the heck I have a “file” for getting spa services… Also wondering what else this so-called “file” contains. Also wondering if every conversation I have with my massage therapists are recorded in said “file” because I’m pretty sure I remember talking about that last time I was here…) Yea, well I was going, but I quit.
girl: Well I was just nervous that I had a trained professional on my hands and you were gonna be all judgey.
So I get into the bed. She comes in. No sooner than the blanket is off my back we are engrossed in a conversation about, what else? …. relationships.
I said something about my bad experiences and tendencies to date inappropriate (and sometimes International) men, and she responded with “stop stealing my life.” It was in that very moment, when she cloned my favorite phrase, that the world stood still. The clouds parted, and an epiphany shone down from the heavens…. Could it be?
Further conversation would prove that my hypothesis was indeed, correct:
me: so wait, let me get this straight. You’ve been floundering around for several years, dating inappropriate men that you were convinced were perfect, avoiding marriage and illegitimate children, went to school for art yet are now giving me a massage, you’re restless, confused, AND you say things like “stealing my life?”
girl: Yes. and I’ve dated inappropriate International men.
me: (stop talking for a second to catch my breath)… who? how? …from where?
girl: Well, first there was the German. It was really fun travelling around with him. Then there was the Costa Rican foreign exchange student. But thennnnnnn there was the Ecuadorian. He was trouble. But we had a good time in Argentina.
me: (this girl is me…should I be scared?…) I know this sounds terrible, but have you found that many of your relationships have “overlapped” because you have mentally moved on but can’t get the guts to break it off with the other person?
girl: Oh yea… big time.
That sealed the deal. I was in love. We had more things in common that I could possibly write about and we ended up talking through the entire massage… but dont’ you worry I’m a master multi-tasker, thus I was able to simultaneously relax. I gave her my card (because obviously I can’t let this one get away) and immediately headed over to Panera where Kenny was chillin. I storm in, sit down and say:
me: OK. You’re not going to BELIEVE this!?!#$% After all these years, I have managed to find the female equivalent of myself!
kenny: But…. you are female.
me: I know that I’m female. But you’re the male equivalent of me, right? So she’s the female.
kenny: Oh. Well good for you.