scenario: man has date. man decides to bring date to a movie in hopes of getting some make-out action. man calls to check movie times…
man: (dials 1-800-FANDANGO)
automated FANDANGO lady: Thank you for calling 1-800-FANDANGO, now powered by Lifesearch. (beep, beep, beep) i’m sorry, i didn’t get that. if you’re calling from the Netherlands, please press 1, for a different location, press 2.
man: ? but wait, i didn’t even say anything yet. (presses 2)
lady: i’m sorry. i still didn’t hear you. please breathe if you are calling from the Netherlands.
man: wait, what?
lady: thank you. do you have a theater express code?
lady: ok. please say the movie you are looking for in the Netherlands
man: Spiderman. but i’m in Orlando.
lady: (making what sounds to be a chuckle) i’m sorry. that movie doesn’t exist. please say your movie again.
lady: did you say, Knocked Up?
man: no. no i didn’t, you stupid wench.
lady: ok, i got that. to hear show times for The English Patient, please press 1. for another movie, press 2.
man: (presses 2)
lady: please raise your voice if you want to hear the show times for all foreign films in Seattle.
man: (interrupts) NO, WAIT! GO BACK. IT’S ORLANDO.
lady: (chuckle) i’m sorry, i didn’t get that.
man: Orlando, you crack whore.
lady: please select an option from the menu.
man: how bout you just give me the movie times you ignorant slut.
lady: ok, i got that. (beep, beep) say YES for directions to the nearest IHOP
man: listen, you worthless ho. you may think you’re just an anonymous voice on the other end of the phone, but i will hurt you and won’t even bat an eyelash. do you understand what i’m saying?
lady: (chuckle) i’m sorry, keresotes stopped showing silent films in 1921.
man: alright. i’m short on time, and i’m willing to make a deal. you give me the show times; and i in return, won’t rob you of all your joy and happiness. how bout it bastard?
lady: it is currently 14 degrees with a windchill of -2. thank you for calling FANDANGO.
man: wait!!! don’t hang up! ok, i take back what i said. you’re not a ho. or a crack whore. or an ignorant slut. only a worthless wench. i beg of you, please! PLEASE! i just need to know when Spiderman is playing. i’ll do anything! anythiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!!
lady: enjoy the hockey game. goodbye!