I despise birthdays. So it’s no surpise that I hate today.
At the turn of my _ _ th year, I had a wee bit of time to reflect upon all the other things that I hate in life, mainly: Neil Diamond, mayonnaise, sci-fi, socialism, the word “sausage,” people who fail to be funny, Crocs, athletic activity, Frasier, punks, Kmart, malt flavoring, spandex, insects, and seafood. After reviewing this list, I came to the staggering conclusion that it has been missing one very important addition all these years.
I say that this is staggering because although I have hated them secretly for years, I feel that is just somehow not enough.
Normally, this is where I would insert some kind of comment that would buffer any potentially offended vegetarian readers. This comment would say something to the effect of, “if you do this because it makes you physically ill to think about butchering an animal, then you’re okay in my book.” But since it’s my birthday and I’ll blog what I want to, I make no apologies for this post.
Here’s a revised snippet of what once was a masterpiece of vegetarian criticism at its finest.
The following is a public safety announcement:
Some of you may be contemplating buying/eating plant products in the future and I urge you NOT to do so. Imagine for just a moment, an innocent, defenseless plant. Its leaves are flourishing in all their beautiful, green glory, its fruit ripening in the sun, and its branches blowing in the breeze. Then, along comes a guy with a machete and God’s creation is brutally attacked, mangled, and shipped far from its homeland only to be eventually consumed by an unappreciative, spoiled, overweight five year old who will leave most of it on his plate to rot because he filled up on too many Little Debbie moon pies. Plants are eaten for the mere fact that no one can hear them crying for help and begging for their lives to be spared. It is like beating up a mime, or strangling a blind midget. It’s not right.
Take the chicken, for example. Chickens deserve to die. Leaving their immoral multiple sexual-partner habits aside, have you observed how they break into the homes of peacefully sleeping worms, like savages, and drag them out of their cribs only to dangle them over the hungry mouths of baby birds to be eventually consumed? how would you like that done to you, huh punk?
Some of you may ask, “But what about killing and eating a cow?” Cows may appear innocent and sweet, but this is garbage! The cow is an evil ABOMINABLE MONSTER. Not only do they carelessly chomp away at plants ALL day long, they regurgitate the victims and chew them AGAIN as if to relish in the joy of cold blooded murder.
Act NOW. Save your life and the lives of others. Eat animals.