WARNING: I’m going to have to ask that no matter how innocent and beautifully honest this blog may be, that you don’t fondle, grope, caress, or touch it inappropriately in any way – even if it is the blog of your dreams
BREAKING NEWS: Prince Charming was NOT spotted today [or ever for that matter] galloping upon a snow white steed, harboring a large shield for warding off dragons or scary people with guns, while traveling through the enchanted forest to rescue a long- haired, bottle -blond damsel with daddy issues. Sources have revealed that the reason he was not spotted was because he actually does not exist!
[ Cinderella’s response to the shocking news: “You mean I’ve been sweeping up all this soot and ironing my evil stepsisters’ button down shirts and there’s no fricken prince at the end of the tunnel? What kind of CRAP is that?!” ]
Ladies: let’s just get something straight. Prince Charming isn’t around. He jumped the border and he’s headed for Atlantis. To my knowledge he hasn’t even left a close relative or body double to be your shoulder to cry on. He didn’t even leave his snow white stallion around the stables for you to pet. His mother, the Queen of Nonexistent Men, found this note under his pillow:
Dear Completely Delusional Yet Surprisingly Hopeful Women of the Land,
“I feel like a classic fool. [the imaginary Prince is British, of course] I could no longer keep up this silly charade. Blessed Respite! I am nothing but a fake. I’m a big, fat (but very trim), dodgy phony. I don’t have a steed, or a stallion, all I’ve got is an ‘88 Ford Fiesta. I don’t ward off dragons, I run in the face of danger. I run! I am nothing but a yellow- bellied coward, a coward I say! My entire life is a farce, and I am the only one to blame. Except for my mum who is partly to blame.”
Cheers, Prince C.
MORE BREAKING NEWS: We are getting reports of a supposed uproar in Disney World. Snow White has strapped a bomb to her up-do and is threatening to blow up her Happily Ever After Castle (which was to be her wedding gift from King Charming) The Gingerbread man has plummeted head first off Humpty Dumpty’s wall, and Tinkerbell has joined forces with the fairy godmother coalition to spread raging pixie dust wildfires all across the land!