Archive for September, 2008

Lately, I’ve received alot of questions to the effect of “how do I find the one?”  Well, it just so happens that I have more than a few answers up my very svelte sleeve.  I’ve spent weeks, possibly even months [if I were to have logged all my time] researching and compiling data for what I am about reveal to you.  As per usual, you can expect to pay not a single PENNY for the knowledge that I am about to impart upon you!  It is but merely the beginning of a lifetime of benefits that you will reap by reading this blog.  How shall I be compensated, you ask?  The smile on your face.

For many of you, it’s not that you’re unlucky, you’re just looking in all the wrong places.  As I’ve repeatedly said, you’re never going to find creme brulee on the Taco Bell menu, and unfortunately, you never will  [because it would be awesome to be able to get a Chalupa and creme brulee all in one stop].  I will further demonstrate my point in the following chart.  Please study it with ravenous desire.  memorize it.  picturize it.  dream about it at night.  frame it on your wall.  tape it to your fridge.  fold it up into a teeny tiny piece and carry it next to your heart… for contained therein you will find the answer to one of life’s most perplexing questions. 



Now, if you look carefully, you will observe that you have equal chances of meeting your future mate in: rehab, space camp, a safari, solitary confinement, or your mailbox.  But now I want you all to take out your microscopes because we’re going to delve into this and chizzle away to find out how this affects your dating life.  With closer analyzation, you will discover that you actually have a greater chance of meeting your future mate in solitary confinement, than you do at the bar.

staggering?  perhaps groundbreaking?

  something to think about.

For more on this popular dating series, please read: The Science of Dating: Know who you are.

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a 24 pack of Keystone Ice:  $5.99

1-ply toilet paper: $1.99

a piece of plywood to use as a raft:  $14.99

* surviving a hurricane and being able to float through your yard with everything that means the most to you in this world: 


be prepared!

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On a quick political sidenote:

There’s a specific reason that I leave all the politics talk to Nikki.   I make it a point to educate myself on a variety of important issues throughout the world – I study them, research them, and actually understand what scary words like “bureaucracy” mean.  So the reason I can’t discuss them is because I simply can’t deal with people whose entire opinion of the world is based on the Yahoo homepage, the ticker tape at the bottom of CNN, their parents, or what they read on their favorite celebrity’s myspace blog.  That being said, 99% of the people I know fit into this category.  Unfortunately,  talking to people of this nature, thrusts me into a blind frenzy of rage; therefore, it is in the best interest of my overall health that I refrain from these conversations when at all possible.  I will, however, criticize and poke fun of all apects of the political arena, whenever I see fit.


Gosh dang it, you remind me of someone but I can’t quite put my finger on it..

no... thats not it.


God no.

God no.

definately not.











 Oh well, maybe I’ll think of it tomorrow.

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 [I work with a girl that I’ve know since birth.  As I was warming up my lunch today, she was eating macaroni and cheese, and I happened to ask how her brother was doing.   This is the exact conversation that took place.  I wish I were creative enough to make this up, but I am not.]


me: so how’s your brother these days?  haven’t seen him in forever.
friend: he’s good. i don’t know what he’s going to do though, he just got fired.
me: from the tombstone-selling job?
friend: no, from his gas station job.
me:  he had a gas station job? 
friend: yea, so, i don’t know.  he is still working toward his degree in psychology.
me: psychology?  oh wow.  i never knew that… i always thought he would be
friend: a white rapper?  yea, me too.
me:  oh man, i was so worried about him a couple years ago, I thought he was never going
to get through that ghetto phase.
friend:  he didn’t.

me: oh noooooo.  thats terrible.  so he still wears the clothes, and says all kinds of words that make no sense?
friend: um, yes. 
me:  i remember going on his myspace and seeing all these references to “shorty.”  I was like, whats up with the rapper slang?
friend: yea, that’s our grandma.  
me: oh.  and he had all these R.I.P messages
to people?
friend: seriously, he really needs to chill out.  if anyone who dies within 5 degrees of him he thinks he gets a RIP tatoo.
me: yea, for awhile there i felt bad for him cus i thought all his friends were dying.
friend:  i’m like, “you don’t have to get tatoos of everyone listed in our church bulletin who died.” 
me: aaaaaaah hahahah.  oh man…
friend: his myspace headline says, “i hate white people.”
me: but he’s white?
friend:  i told him my shirt was black the other day and he called me a racist.  when we went to Cancun, the only book he would read was 101 important facts about African American history.
me:  he wants to be a counselor?  but he’s so messed up?
friend:  i know
me:  well maybe, he’ll psychoanalyze himself.
friend: thats what i keep hoping.

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Ladies, I feel that there is so much good material out there for the boys… we need a little something to look at once in a while, know what I mean?

See boys, women aren’t really that complicated. It’s the simple things that we desire in life… why is that so hard to understand?  Why, oh why do we always get pegged as mysterious, never satisfied, and impossible to please nags?  Watch and learn.


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Every morning, my alarm goes off at 6:30.  I know in the depths of my soul that I have no intention of actually getting up at this ungodly hour, but still it is set.  My actual intention is to press the snooze until 6:45, but I also fail at that because I do not want to be continually disturbed by the most annoying sound in the world.  So I rely on my internal alarm clock to wake me up at the correct hour.  Now, generally, this works. 

Unfortunately, as of late, my internal body alarm is set at 7:05.  When this alarm sounds, I roll over, grab my remote, and turn on the TV.  In my my mind, I am hoping that I will hear something so interesting that I will be forced to get up and check it out…but unfortunately, I am no longer startled by the fact that there is an election going on, nor the fact that Geraldo Rivera is in reporting live from the eye of a new hurricane every three days. This puts me in a bit of a precarious situation as I am left with approximately 40 minutes to take a shower, dry and straighten my very long hair (which could take an hour in itself), eat, make a lunch, get dressed, and leave my house by 7:45. This may seem an impossible feat, and you would be correct in assuming that is why it never gets done.

Needless to say, I usually end up rolling out of bed, rocking the pony tail, eating some Eggos, busting last night’s leftovers, and almost committing involuntary manslaughter on anyone who comes close to me on the road.

I must admit I had a bit of a chipper attitude as I rode the rickety elevator up to the fifth floor this morning, of course, the only reason being it’s friday.  However, as soon as I sat down to my computer and took my first call of the day, everything changed.  When I asked the first gentleman I spoke to today if he could identify his password, he replied, “Neil Diamond.”


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In this day and age of nuclear weapons, off shore drilling, going green, and kindergarten sex education, I’d like to take a moment of your time to address something that really matters:  birth control. gun control. mind control.  self control.  … naw.  nothing to do with control, it sounds so communisty.  But since you brought up control, why did 574 of you search my site for keyword “hitler” yesterday?   Do I have a bunch of creeptowns stalking my site now?  Anyway, I would like introduce you all to the Too Cool Police.  They are here to keep our streets safe and clean from all the ridiculousness that this world has to offer.  You never know when they might show up in a neighborhood near you and bust someone you love.  So please, be on your best behavior… and don’t do anything too cool.

The School of Too Cool is back in session and some of you have important lessons to learn… 

1.  Big freakin Spoilers. You’ve all pulled up next to one of them at some point.  You’ve been blinded by the light of their rims.  You’ve watched them peel off in their Pontiac Sunfire like they actually have something important waiting for them on the other side of that stoplight.  I’m not going to ask the ever-obvious question  “who in the H do you think you are?”  But seriously?  And it’s not only bad enough that you have something so insanely unexcusable attached to your trunk, but it’s attached to a Sunfire. 



Sentence:  You are charged with never-ending acts of disturbing the peace of drivers-by. You are also charged with obstructing the view of birds and small planes. You will be forced to forfeit your license until you reach retirement age and purchase a spoiler-less caddy or towncar.

2. Chinese tatoos.  Sorry, maybe you didn’t get the memo… but not only was the world SO over these before they began, but they are also incredibly too cool!  If you don’t speak Chinese, and neither do any of us – then your tatoo is utterly pointless.  Perhaps you are seeking the attention that it brings when we are forced to ask you, “oh wow, what do all those scratch marks mean?”  and you say something like, “it says the power of the mind overcomes the power of the body”  or some crap like that.

Sentence: You will be serving a 1 year sentence in a Chinese prison.  That way perhaps you can actually learn the language that you have graffitied all over yourself.  After you get scorned continuously for actually having something on your arm that has nothing to do with peace or power, but rather the fact that you are an ugly bald guy with man boobs, you may return home via paddleboat.


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1. Angelina Jolie: “Most Giving-of-Herself [but not really]-Mom of the Year” Winner!










Why Angelina?  Not only does she have the uncanny ability to woo scorchingly hot men from their equally attractive wives and make it look like an accident, she has Jon Voight as a dad.  She also possesses lips that have secret powers, which have enabled her to save malnutritioned children from all over the world and bring them into an environment of lavishness and priviledge.  Nevermind the fact that she has five nannies to take care of the clan, this is a hands-on mom!  Angelina’s act of selflessness, will no doubt turn each and every one of their innocent, adorable, and once appreciative children into self-indulgent, whiney brats in record time!

2. Victoria Beckam: “Most Vain Person to Gloat in Her Not-So-Impressive Past!” Winner!

Victoria Beckam, is half-famous for marrying the ever-so-hot-and-athletically-delicious David Beckam, and half-famous for being a part of the 90’s two-hit wonder girly band “Spice Girls.”  But why, oh why should you idolize her?  Because there is no one else who could possess such unabashed pride about being formerly called “The Posh Spice.” Because it is not possible for any other women, domestic or abroad, to love herself more than her.  And finally, because she is the only “soccer mom” who can squeeze into preschool girl size clothing with such slutty, yet graceful ease.

3.  Sean -“P.Diddy” -“Puff Daddy” -“Puffy” -“Diddy” -Combs:  “Most Schitzophrenic, Yet Entirely Focused on Infiltrating Every Aspect of Life Artist” Winner!

There is not one solitary celebrity who has edged his way into our lives more than Puffy.  It started out as an innocent tribute to the Notorious B.I.G in the form of a remake of “I’ll be Missing You.”  We all loved it.  We rewound the single over and over on our cassette players and jammed to Diddy’s sentimental, catchy tunes.  If only we knew then, what we know now.  After a failed relationship with J.Lo, Puffy made the life-changing decision that if he couldn’t have her, then no one could he would take over the world.  Slowly, the Sean has slithered so far into our lives that we will never escape him, so we may as well idolize him.  There’s music, a clothing line, a vodka, a plethora of fragrances, a reality show, boxers, WHEEL RIMS, skin care, ties, sunglasses.  … my mom even bought a P.Diddy minivan the other day?!



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