So I was at Target yesterday, browsing through the dollar spot, when I picked up a snazzy ’09 desk calendar for myself. It was right about then, that I realized the time is fastly approaching. ..
A New Year. A clean slate. A fresh start. Full of endless possibility and golden opportunity. I don’t really believe in resolutions, but I do believe that you should take a moment to stop. think. and analyze your life over the past year. And while you’re analyzing, you should also stop and realize that all that clean slate talk is nothing but a smelly pile of B.S. I mean, that DUI is gonna ride your coattails right on into the New Year hunny. Sorry for the blunt delivery.
On a serious note, I think you should all take a moment to think about the relationship you are currently in. I have compiled a list of common relationship classifications so that you can easily identify which one you have. Then you can take appropriate action.
Relationships come in all shapes and sizes and the only thing that is consistent is the inconsistency [and the huge suitcase of issues that moves in with them and their inability to pick up their own socks.] In my expert experience, these unions can be defined in a couple different ways:
1. The Rite of Passage Relationship: “You couldn’t be more wrong for me, but I’m still going to let you suck the life out of me until I have nothing left to give because I enjoy a challenging project.” (see footnote a)
2. The We’ve Been Together Waaay Too Long Relationship: “I’m pretty sure this has no potential of going anywhere meaningful, but we’re both too lazy and unconfrontational- so let’s just forget to break up and be eternally unsatisfied, sound good?” (see footnote b)
3. The I Deserve Better, Yet I Don’t Relationship: “You treat me like crap. I like to complain about it to everyone, but for some reason I never leave you. In fact, I’m so desperately and completely in unrequited love with you that I am satisfied with being the object of your un-affection until you ultimately dump me. After that occurs, I will shed rivers of big, fat, elephant tears. And eat myself ugly.” (see footnote c)
4. The Biological Clock is Ticking/ If I Don’t Have Kids Soon My Mom Will Lose All Reason To Live Relationship: “Alright. This is as good as it’s gonna get. courthouse or vegas?” (see footnote d)
*footnote a). this type of relationship is a rite of passage for every woman on earth. some will learn. others will continue to fall into this trap until they either despise men and resort to lesbianism, OR they snap one day and go on a shooting spree.
*footnote b). this is a common result of a long high school relationship, in which the person to whom you were originally attracted has now grown up into an entirely different person. unfortunately, both parties will be too lazy and comfortable to end it, so they will go on to have a miserable existence.
*footnote c). this person could very well be an attention -seeking, insecure individual with daddy issues. OR it could be every girl i’ve ever known.
*footnote d). hopefully, these two love eachother, but this is not a guarantee. other possible factors leading to marriage could include but are not limited to – loneliness, peer pressure, a bad experience on Match.com, and the desperate need for a second income.
So unless you want to travel down the long, bleak road to a loveless future – by all means, end your crappy relationship!
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