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Archive for December, 2008

Much in the same way a late night infomercial can mesmerize even the most disenchanted observer, I am about to mesmerize you with my savvy knowledge of life and relationships. 

richard-simmons-working-outOnly one more day until you are free from your past.  It’s time to grab hold of your future and ride it into the sunset.  What a better opportunity than now to encourage you all to go out and spend grandiose amounts of newly-attained Christmas cash on some fashionable work out gear.  Then, along with all the other dillusionally optimistic fake-dieters, you can show up once or twice to dust off your gym membership that will inevitabley grow extinct again come February.  Hurry up and do it before Richard’s shorts get tighter!

Along with working out and reflecting up on your current relationship the Elephant also suggests that you clean out your underware drawer.  I mean, would it kill you to weed some of those out?  I’m sure you can find some good deals a fresh pair of undies right about now…. just food for thought.

www.wordsbybrit.com

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So I was at Target yesterday, browsing through the dollar spot, when I picked up a snazzy ’09 desk calendar for myself.  It was right about then, that I realized the time is fastly approaching. ..

new-years-champagne A New Year.  A clean slate.  A fresh start.  Full of endless possibility and golden opportunity.  I don’t really believe in resolutions, but I do believe that you should take a moment to stop.  think.  and analyze your life over the past year.   And while you’re analyzing, you should also stop and realize that all that clean slate talk is nothing but a smelly pile of B.S.  I mean, that DUI is gonna ride your coattails right on into the New Year hunny. Sorry for the blunt delivery.

On a serious note, I think you should all take a moment to think about the relationship you are currently in.  I have compiled a list of common relationship classifications so that you can easily identify which one you have.  Then you can take appropriate action.

Relationships come in all shapes and sizes and the only thing that is consistent is the inconsistency [and the huge suitcase of issues that moves in with them and their inability to pick up their own socks.]  In my expert experience, these unions can be defined in a couple different ways:

1. The Rite of Passage Relationship: “You couldn’t be more wrong for me, but I’m still going to let you suck the life out of me until I have nothing left to give because I enjoy a challenging project.” (see footnote a)

2. The We’ve Been Together Waaay Too Long Relationship: “I’m pretty sure this has no potential of going anywhere meaningful, but we’re both too lazy and unconfrontational- so let’s just forget to break up and be eternally unsatisfied, sound good?”  (see footnote b)

3. The I Deserve Better, Yet I Don’t Relationship:  “You treat me like crap.  I like to complain about it to everyone, but for some reason I never leave you.  In fact, I’m so desperately and completely in unrequited love with you that I am satisfied with being the object of your un-affection until you ultimately dump me.  After that occurs, I will shed rivers of big, fat, elephant tears.  And eat myself ugly.”  (see footnote c)

4. The Biological Clock is Ticking/ If I Don’t Have Kids Soon My Mom Will Lose All Reason To Live Relationship:  “Alright.  This is as good as it’s gonna get.  courthouse or vegas?”  (see footnote d)

*footnote a).  this type of relationship is a rite of passage for every woman on earth.  some will learn.  others will continue to fall into this trap until they either despise men and resort to lesbianism, OR they snap one day and go on a shooting spree.

*footnote b). this is a common result of a long high school relationship, in which the person to whom you were originally attracted has now grown up into an entirely different person.  unfortunately, both parties will be too lazy and comfortable to end it, so they will go on to have a miserable existence.

*footnote c).  this person could very well be an attention -seeking, insecure individual with daddy issues.  OR it could be every girl i’ve ever known.

*footnote d).  hopefully, these two love eachother, but this is not a guarantee.  other possible factors leading to marriage could include but are not limited to – loneliness, peer pressure, a bad experience on Match.com, and the desperate need for a second income.

So unless you want to travel down the long, bleak road to a loveless future – by all means, end your crappy relationship!

23393995

www.wordsbybrit.com

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For those of you who asked, if you want to check out my story in Chicken Soup for the Soul: My Resolution you can buy it at Amazon, rent it at your local bookstore, or steal it from your local Walmart.  It is available and in stores as of TODAY!

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Also, I have finally got my professional website wordsbybrit.com up and running.   Although it’s a bit ghetto, at this point it’s only so that I have a place to direct people when I apply for freelance jobs. 

If you haven’t noticed, it’s a blizzard outside so I suggest that you stay in and check out the rest of my Christmasy posts, which you will need in order to brave the holidays:

Black Friday, Depression, and a Salvation Army Chair

8 Days of Christmas Singlehood

5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Date an Only Child [or] Christmas is Cancelled

Festivus for the Rest of Us

An Office holiday party and after Christmas sales

…..I’ve done alot of shopping this year, but as it turns out I’m the easiest person to buy for.  Crap.

www.wordsbybrit.com

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All of this talk about recession and depression has put a toll on people this holiday season.  I’ve heard alot of people saying they aren’t even going to exchange gifts…  well that is just too bad because after all that is what Christmas is truly about.  One of my friends’ families waits til Dec 27th to give presents, so they can buy everything cheaper at the after christmas sales.  What a deliciously easy way to scam the system, why haven’t we all thought of that by now?  Don’t feel bad, they are a family of rocket scientists.

Usually, we have a work Christmas party Holiday party.  We go out to dinner somewhere and half the department doesn’t show up, and the half who does show up is only there for the free food and opportunity to see our boss get drunk.   This year, of course, there will be no parties company-wide.  There will be a gathering at my bosses house, but I won’t be attending.  Mainly, because I don’t work there anymore.  Oh wait, did I forget to mention that?  Yea, no longer a banker.

Speaking of that, when you part ways with a job, there is one thing that really occurs to you the next morning when you wake up,  And that is:   how much crap you had at your desk.    After I emptied the box onto my counter, I was awestruck at just how much crap I had.  However, my crap was anything but useless- and if anything you should take notes on some of the extraordinarily useful and essential items I had there.

work-party

1.  A “He’s Just Not That Into You” daily calendar, still set at January 3rd ’08.  Not only was this book revolutionary and needs to be read by all women, but lets face it, it’s attractive as well.  And now for a close up:

dontneed-226

2.  Aloe vera.   You never know when the fluorescent lights are going to get ya.  It’s best to be prepared.

3.   A Metallic, pre-lit mini Christmas tree.  I’m not going to lie to you.  I considered it, but then I thought – no, it’s Christmas.  This tree had been on my desk since October of 07.   I just didn’t light it all the time.

4.  A dollar store christmas candle from my secret santa last year.  Oops.  I either forgot to take it home, or I was scared it would blow up my house.  Who’s to know.

5.  The salt from the breakroom.  I mean, I use it so much it might as well just be at my desk.

Then, in a random twist of fate, there were things I’d forgotten.  So I went to go pick up another box from HR….. and what do I find?

dontneed-229

Um, it’s nice that they returned my PLASTIC silverware, but they really didn’t need to leave the crusty generic peanut butter still on it.  Seriously?

You know what else pops into your head the day after you part ways?  The fact that you don’t have a job.

www.wordsbybrit.com

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festivus-seinfeldBack in high school, seven of us started a tradition.  Every Dec. 23, regardless of whatever family emergencies or weather advisories might be in place, we celebrated Festivus, the fake Seinfeld holiday.  This consisted of all of us squeezing in one of our barely working cars, driving to the train station, and spending the day walking around Chicago, shopping, dethawing in Borders, and taking pictures with giant indian sculptures.   No matter how warm you dressed in preparation for this day, sorry, you were still going to freeze your ass off.   I don’t know how many of you have been to the Midwest – but don’t plan on having an ass by the time you leave, cus you won’t.

As usual, it was me and the guys.  That has kind of been the story of my life.   They’re so much less bitchy and jealous.   Every year, as we got off the train and the blustery snow started whipping across my face, I said, ” this is the last time I’m fricken doing this.”   But it never was.  And of course, we always had to take the latest available train home which was around midnight.  Always.   On the 5 year anniversary, we all sprayed our hair silver and carried around an aluminum pole.   This went on for several years until parts of the crew started getting married or having illegitimate children – both of which resulted in them dropping off the face of the earth.

 

But ah, good memories.

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christmas-is-cancelledChristmas is cancelled. 

So my mom called me the other night and told me that my brother is calling a family meeting.  Immediately, I knew what it would be about.  He was trying to cancel Christmas again.   He does this every year when he realizes that he bought so many speed boats and BMW’s and 300 gallon aquariums, that he can’t possibly afford to buy six family members (which is the total number of people in our extended family) a $20 gift.  Then my mom gets all depressed because she never had Christmas as a child (due to her crazy-strict- skroogey dad) and now her and my aunt are trying to make up for their lost childhoods by re-creating Santa’s Village every year for us all.  But my brother is trying to steal their joy and in the meantime forcing me to overcompensate for the excitement that he isn’t showing.  YAY!

Sorry for the personal sidenote.  What I’m really here to talk about is dating a middle child.  I’m not one, but I’m here to tell you that if you are it’s okay.  A middle child is not the one you need to worry about… it’s the only child thats the problem.  For the love of everything peaceful, do not date an only child

Take it from me,  a quasi-only child.  Considering that I’m not even a full only child, I’m messed up.   If you’re wondering how it came to be that I’m not a whole only child, well that is too bad because I’m not getting into that tonight kids.  So here are the 5 reasons why you shouldn’t date someone like me:

1.  We all want ginormous families.  You try spending countless summers selling lemonade by yourself and playing house with only a mommy or daddy and see how you feel.  Plus, all the stress of grandkids rides soley on our shoulders.

2. We don’t like to share things.  It’s not so much that we don’t want to share, but we just like the things that are ours, to stay ours.

3.  We are either obsessed with pets or can’t stand them.  There’s no happy medium for an only child.  Growing up, we either learned to console our lonliness by surrounding ourselves with fuzzy woodland creatures, or we were so self-absorbed with ourselves that the thought of taking care of a pet was entirely overwhelming. 

4.  We have a tendency to be control freaks.  Most only children are the center of their parents’ universe, thus are the product of an overprotective and overbearing upbringing.   Which means when we grow up, we freak out and have to be in control of everything.  Everything.

5.  We have ridiculous, impossible to meet expectations.  And unfortunately, we don’t just put these expectations on ourselves, but everyone we meet.  This is because all the focus was on us and we have an inner need to over achieve.   So good luck with that.

only-child

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I apologize in advance that pretty much all of my blogs from here on out will have something to do with Christmas.  Oh, I’m sorry, I meant to say “the holidays” as not to offend anyone.  It’s okay if you don’t currently like the holidays because unfortunately, you’ll love them by the time I’m done giving you all the reasons why you should.  In fact, the only thing you shouldn’t like about the holidays is people who force you to refer to them as “the holidays”  instead of Christmas, which you shouldn’t tolerate.  This reminds me of my previous boss who forced me to say “the holidays” whenever we were at a work outing.  Keyword: previous.

days-of-the-week-underwareMy first blog among the holiday installments will be about singlehood during the holiday season.  For all of you out there who’ve been recently dumped, it’s time to put away that sad face Macaulay McSulky.  You should be thanking your lucky days of the week underware right about now because this means you will be able to capitalize on the most wonderful hooking up time of the year! 

I will now dispense a list of reasons as to why you will love being single this holiday season, entitled:  the 8 Days of Christmas Singehood.  Why 8?  Because 7 just isn’t enough, and I couldn’t quite think of 9.   By the end of it, you may even love it so much that you might become jealous of yourself.

1.  on the first day of Christmas Singlehood,  just do whatever you want.  I mean, you can.  You’re single.

2.  on the second day of Christmas Singlehood, buy yourself a ridiculously insane gift and then marvel in the fact that you didn’t get chewed out by your shnookums because it was a waste of money, you already have enough of those,  or because you don’t have your priorities straight.

jello-mold3. on the third day of Christmas Singlehood, go to your family gathering – not someone else’s crazypants relative’s house where you will inevitably feel obligated to at least try the jello mold and act overly enthusiastic about the dollar store candle or tool kit they bought you.

4 .  on the fourth day of Christmas Singlehood, enjoy relaxing by the fire, drinking some hot chocolate, and not accompanying your beloved to an awkward holiday work party where you will be forced to dress up and “get to know” all of the people that you hear continual griping about.

5.  on the fifth day of Christmas Singlehood, please don’t waste the big, pretty makeout snow.  Nothing screams “i want to make out”  like snow-  and no one has the power to resist a snowy makeout.  so do everyone a favor and bundle up, find yourself a hottie, and spread a little holiday joy.

6.  on the sixth day of Christmas,  watch the Charlie Brown Christmas Special and relish the fact that you aren’t having the following internal dialogue:  “but what if I spend too much …then they’ll feel like crap… but what if I spend too little… then I look like a creep?”

beard7.  on the seventh day of Christmas, don’t shave.  in fact, don’t shave for any of the days, cus why?   [men: this might be the perfect opportunity for you to grow out that beard you keep talking about, which your girlfriend would never allow.]

8. on the eighth day of Christmas, go see an action film.  not a christmasy piece of crap movie that you’d have to see if you were in a relationship.

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[ I’ve received thousands of searches for this blog lately, so I’m just sticking it back on top of the pile to make life easier…notsomuch for me, but for you.]

 I’m now going to ask for your undivided attention.  not ask, command, with all the power of Dr. Phil’s mustache.  what I have to say could quite possibly change the course of your life OR history as we know it.  The words that are about to come out of my mouth are almost as delicious as the Wendy’s cheesy bacon potato i am currently enjoying, and you are not.  unless, are you?  I noticed it disappearing more rapidly than expected. 

So, i beg of you to please turn down whatever grossly pathetic show i can only imagine that you are watching, stop thinking about how you can quit your day job and somehow support yourself entirely off of blogging,  push off your TaeBo tape for one more day because at this point it’s a lost cause, and FOCUS on me!  Gosh,  the way you’re acting, you’d think we’ve been married for 85 years.

Madonna. 

i thought you retired?  what’s with the spread eagle?  and the street walker thigh highs? and the heavyweight belt?  and the gaping mouth?  are you panting because you just had a hot flash?  by the way, you’re FIFTY. 

      

  

      

 

The Spice Girls.                       No, i don’t wanna be your lover.   not in the 90’s, not now, not ever. 

 

The Osmonds.  Help!  It’s been decades since anyone has heard from the Osmonds, but suddenly they have taken over the world!

 

First it’s Marie prancing, dancing, and

fainting all over Dancing With the Stars.

 

 

 

  

 

 Then, in a random twist of

fate, Donny infiltrates the set

of Entertainment Tonight.  

 

 

  

 

Then, the world’s largest singing

mormon family is reunited

again under one roof.

 

 

 

Britney Spears’ Hair.

It’s been a very interesting year for your hair Britney.  Quite the page turner.

We’ve laughed.  we’ve cried.

 we’ve shrieked in horror.  but all in all, we miss it. 

please come back!

New Kids on the Block.   What exactly is happening here?  There is nothing more shameless than a bunch of middle aged men trying to re-live their past..  it’s more than just shameless, it might just be the shameLIEST.

newkidsnew_kids_on_the_block

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grandma_wii_bowlingI woke up the day after Thanksgiving with a massive headache.  No, I wasn’t hungover.  No, I wasn’t getting sick.  It’s just the after effects of a very stressful week.  Friends visiting, friends having babies, grandpas in the hospital, the usual.  Of course, as you know, I witnessed my best friend give birth to a child, which was at the very least:  horrific.  But not as horrifying as it is two days later when the images keep popping into the forefront of your mind.  Then my Thanksgiving consisted of watching my grandma, who is a self-proclaimed Wii bowling champion at her assisted living home, battle it out with my uncle and dad.  Well, she currently has a bad hip and wears frog green polyester pants, and everytime she pulled her arm back to release the bowling ball, she let out a fart.   Pretty soon I had to move to the other side of the couch, where my mom and my aunt were having a huge fight about who was going to host Christmas.  

 [Let me preface the next section by saying that my 99 saturn with duck tape covering a hole in the hood, although esthetically phenomenal, is not an all-terrain vehicle.  More on that later. ]

So I had made my annual plan to go shopping on Black Friday.  But when the morning came I called my girlfriend, who was supposed to accompany me, but she actually was hungover.  And depressed.  So I called Kenny.  Kenny’s always up for shopping.  Well, Kenny was depressed too.  I guess depression rates really do rise around the Holidays.  So after five hours of trudging through crowds of unruly shoppers by myself, I had seven bags on my arm cutting off the circulation to my heart.  After narrowly escaping a heart attack, I went to pick up my yellow Salvation Army chair with Kenny.

So I accidentally wandered into the Salvation Army again last week, and took a liking to a yellow chair, which I asked if i could pick it up later that day.  Of course, five days had passed since that conversation took place.  So Kenny had no choice but to help me.  For over 30 minutes, we were shivering in the parking lot (with several onlookers) having the following conversation:

me:  its GOING to fit

kenny:  no.  no it’s NOT.  how in the world can you think this is going to fit?

me: cus it’s not that big!

kenny: thats what she said.  haha.  ok seriously, yes it IS THAT BIG, because we can’t get it in!

me: thats what she said.  haha. ok, seriously, if we could just take the legs off it would be fine.

kenny: yea, thats a really good idea.  except they are attached.

me: well, lets try it diagonal in the backdoor again.

random guy:  you know, I used to move furniture for a living.  .. do you guys need some help? 

Kenny and me:  NO, we’re fine.

random guy:  well, do you mind if i just stand here and watch?  cus this is pretty entertaining.

kenny:  we’re just gonna have to put it in the trunk.

chair-in-trunk

me:  but i won’t be able to close it AT ALL.  isn’t that illegal?  isn’t that a hazard?

kenny:  we’re gonna have to come back then

me:  it’s already been sitting here 5 days, i have to take it.  but how will we tie it down?  I don’t have anything.  Go find some twine.

[kenny goes back inside, comes back after ten minutes, holding what appears to be rope]

telephone-cordme: you are AWESOME!  this is why i love you.   [ I grab the rope and start putting it around the chair]  wait, what is this?

kenny:  a telephone cord.

me: A TELEPHONE CORD?  what the?!  how am i supposed to tie anything with a telephone cord? 

kenny:  Don’t worry, i got two of them.  and a scarf.

me: SO?@$%

Check out more of the Kenny Chronicles:

How to talk yourself out of dating almost anyone

A Conversation at Starbucks

A Bad Gordita and Some Classy Water

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