Christmas is cancelled.
So my mom called me the other night and told me that my brother is calling a family meeting. Immediately, I knew what it would be about. He was trying to cancel Christmas again. He does this every year when he realizes that he bought so many speed boats and BMW’s and 300 gallon aquariums, that he can’t possibly afford to buy six family members (which is the total number of people in our extended family) a $20 gift. Then my mom gets all depressed because she never had Christmas as a child (due to her crazy-strict- skroogey dad) and now her and my aunt are trying to make up for their lost childhoods by re-creating Santa’s Village every year for us all. But my brother is trying to steal their joy and in the meantime forcing me to overcompensate for the excitement that he isn’t showing. YAY!
Sorry for the personal sidenote. What I’m really here to talk about is dating a middle child. I’m not one, but I’m here to tell you that if you are it’s okay. A middle child is not the one you need to worry about… it’s the only child thats the problem. For the love of everything peaceful, do not date an only child.
Take it from me, a quasi-only child. Considering that I’m not even a full only child, I’m messed up. If you’re wondering how it came to be that I’m not a whole only child, well that is too bad because I’m not getting into that tonight kids. So here are the 5 reasons why you shouldn’t date someone like me:
1. We all want ginormous families. You try spending countless summers selling lemonade by yourself and playing house with only a mommy or daddy and see how you feel. Plus, all the stress of grandkids rides soley on our shoulders.
2. We don’t like to share things. It’s not so much that we don’t want to share, but we just like the things that are ours, to stay ours.
3. We are either obsessed with pets or can’t stand them. There’s no happy medium for an only child. Growing up, we either learned to console our lonliness by surrounding ourselves with fuzzy woodland creatures, or we were so self-absorbed with ourselves that the thought of taking care of a pet was entirely overwhelming.
4. We have a tendency to be control freaks. Most only children are the center of their parents’ universe, thus are the product of an overprotective and overbearing upbringing. Which means when we grow up, we freak out and have to be in control of everything. Everything.
5. We have ridiculous, impossible to meet expectations. And unfortunately, we don’t just put these expectations on ourselves, but everyone we meet. This is because all the focus was on us and we have an inner need to over achieve. So good luck with that.