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Archive for January, 2009

blog-trafficEveryone’s favorite elephant is implementing a new service to her readers.  Yes, you heard correctly, there’s no pumping gas here -this is a full service blog.  

Because there are so many of you out there with painfully hip, wonderfully hilarious, and depressingly heartfelt blogs, I would like people to get to know you.    Instead of me just choosing blogs that I like that featuring them  (which would tend to be the same kind of blog over and over)  I am opening it up to anyone who reads this blog.

What do you have to do?  Dahling, all you have to do is leave a comment on each blog post the elephant writes for that week.  You don’t have to leave one the same day that I make the post, just at some point within the week.  Which, given the laziness levels around here, the posts most likely won’t be everyday.  This is also something you should get in the habit of doing because anytime you leave a link to your site on another blog, you help your search engine ranking.  The contest will run friday to friday.  Then I will randomnly select a name from all of those who qualify.  I will then contact you and let you know so you can give me links to posts you would like highlighted. 

Then I will convince the world that you have the greatest blog known to man.  Everyone will visit you and you will blow up like the next Oprah.  Literally.  No.   That was mean.

This contest starts today!

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Okay, campers.  Rise and shine and don’t forget your booties cus it’s coooooooold out there.”

groundhog-day-movie-bill-murray

While watching one of my favorite movies of all time – Groundhog Day [starring my boyfriend Bill Murray], I felt a calling upon my life.  If you haven’t seen the movie, I suggest you do that and then come back here to read the piece of wisdom which I have extracted from it.

If anyone’s life is like groundhog day, it’s totally mine.  I do the same thing every day.  Every freakin day.  I roll out of bed and sit down at my computer, oftentimes,  without even getting so much as a sip of water or a box of ice cream.   Many times, I do not even have to get out of bed because  I simply grab my laptop off my nightstand and start my day.  

bill-murray-groundhog-dayMy blog is also in a rut.  A rut of awesomeness.   Just kidding.  My readership is actually growing at an increasingly fast rate, which excites me, yes.  Thank you to all you people who find comic relief at my expense.  I’ve noticed something though.  I have quite a few blog stalkers.  Yes, stalkers.  You people who lurke around but leave no trace of your presence. 

This brings me to my next point.  There are quite a few of you out there who have some good blogs and/or websites.  So good, in fact, that I would like to tell the world about them.   Alot of you have asked about advertising, but since I’m not going to do any advertising until I switch to a website, I am going to do one featured blog or website every FridayWhat does that mean for you?  More readers, more exposure, and the recommendation of a widely respected Elephant.  I have the uncanny ability to persuade people that said item [insert: blog, movie, dairy product] will change their life.

How do I qualify to be the featured blog?  

Well, I’m going to lay out the complete details in my next blog.  But basically, I’m not gonna make it hard on you.  If you want to be considered for featured blogger or website, you must leave a comment on each post that week.  I will randomnly choose one from all who qualify.   Obviously. I can only choose one per week, so keep trying and eventually you’ll get your turn.   Leaving comments is basically like entering the contest, but if you didn’t know, leaving comments actually boosts your search engine rankings.  Yes, it is true my children.  The more you leave links to your blog the more clout your blog gets in google’s eyes.   So be ye not lazy. [if you don’t have a webite, but have something else you would like me to promote then that is fine]

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The other day, when I was hard at work on the internet,  I accidentally came across a salad recipe that commanded my undivided atttention.  I know what you’re thinking, and no, I’m not one of those birds who eats salads and drinks skim milk.  I had just polished off an entire box of Peppermint ice cream (cus you have to get enough while it’s still in season) when I came across the recipe.   And it fit my criteria perfectly – it had linguini in it.  Cus if I’m going to have salad, you better believe there’s gotta be some pasta in there somewhere.

man-grocery-shopping

Unfortunately, this salad is so unique and appealing that it contains not one solitary ingredient that I actually own.  So I make the list of random ingredients that I’ll only use half of and then have to throw away because I don’t make anything else cool enough to warrant such ingredients as “nappa cabbage.”   So I send the boyfriend to the store.  He was going ANYWAY, chill out. 

He comes back, and a shock of excitement runs through my veins as I think of the new creation I will be making.  Oddly, he walked in with one bag.  I was thinking, huh, that just doesn’t seem like it would have enough stuff in it for this salad.  Then, I start to put the stuff away and this is the following conversation:

me: um, honey, why isn’t there any of the ingredients in here?

him: well, when i got there they were remodeling the store and they had everything moved around. 

me:  but there was still food there, right? 

him:  yea, but I couldn’t find anything.

me: so you couldn’t manage to find ONE ingredient on my list, yet you were able to navigate through the terrain and locate the frozen pizza and the Coke zero?

him:  no.  i got you cilantro.

me:  oh, thats right.  thank you.  but WHAT THE HECK am I supposed to do with a gigantic bunch of cilantro?

cilantro

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[OR The Secret to Financial Freedom]

When all you do is write for a living, you become a hermit by default.  When I say hermit, I mean that I’m skeptical as to whether or not my car will even start due to how long it’s been sitting in my garage.   Between the endless writing and working on my new business [which I hope to launch in the Spring but will not announce because as soon as there is a deadline I will crack under the pressure that only I have imposed upon myself]  I have no choice but to sit in front of a computer all day, unshowered and in sweats. 

It’s really okay though, for I have found the secret to financial freedom is in not going anywhere.  It’s 99.2% affective that you will not spend money if you don’t leave your house.   I say 99.2% because there are those of you out there who will find ways to scam the system and buy things via the internet or Home Shopping Network.  In which case, you are a lost cause anyway because you are attracted to things like Snuggies  (or as the YouTube video below refers to them – the WTF blanket) and ShamWows.  There is no hope of you ever saving money when you buy crap like that.  Enjoy your lifetime of financial ruin.

 

Today, I reached the breaking point;  the point at which I had no choice but to leave the “den” as my friends lovingly refer to it.  And I say lovingly because they too LOVE the den.  There’s something magical about my room that forces people to be lazy, maybe it’s the fact that I allow nothing other than ambient lighting.  In fact, I don’t think any of my friends have sat on my couch.  As soon as they enter the door, they head straight for the bed, where they can be assured to view mindless daytime TV, feast on an assortment of leftover holiday chocolates conventiently located on the nightstand, and check this blog from my laptop to see how I embarrassed them recently.  When you enter my life as an acquaintance or luckier yet a friend, you run the risk of me publicizing your life in any way I see fit.  And usually, the way I see fit is to make a mockery out of it.   OK.  Will you stop distracting me?   Anyway, today I realized that I’d eaten everything in my fridge except a very questionable  rotten pomegranite and some Ferro Rocher’s in the shape of a Christmas Tree.   I had to leave.

So I went to the grocery store and just as I suspected, I spent money.  If I would have just stuck to my plan I’d still be on top of the game.   So now that I have offically conducted a double blind experiement of my hypothesis, I will be re-writing this cost saving plan into an e-book, which will be available for purchase on my website.

snuggy-blanket

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the-bachelor-on-general-hospital

The bachelor gets to invade the General Hospital set tonight and act out love scenes with some of the bachelorettes.  At the end of the night, Jason doesn’t give out the final rose, which leaves three girls really pissed off!   Check out my recap on Reality Tv Magazine to find out all the details.  Here’s a preview of tonight’s episode:

 

 Who’s the Elephant?

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[This is a 100% true blog, that chronicles my outing yesterday with my best friend, who is a new mom.  I did warn her that I was writing this blog and there was nothing she could really do to keep that from happening.  don’t be scared by the length of this post, it is worth every moment]coupon-organizer1

There’s something magical that happens the very instant you become a mom.  I’m not sure of the details because I have not yet crossed that ravine, but genereally speaking: you become the cheapest person alive. 

I get in her car yesterday and immediately she throws the largest coupon organizer of ALL TIME onto my lap.  The coupons were alphabetically organized.  She says, “this is going to get us through the day.”   She’s starving and so we roll up to McDonalds because she has a buy one extra value meal, get one free sandwich coupon.   I thought, ok, thats fine, free sandwich.  For the next 10 (and I am NOT exaggerating) mins, I was but an innocent bystander to the following drive thru conversation:

friend:  Yes, can i get the grilled chicken value meal? 

lady:   sure.   drink?

friend: I’d just like water and actually I dont want any fries with that cus I’m trying to lose weight.  And then I’d like another grilled chicken sandwich, lettuce only. 

lady: okaaaaay.  $9.42. 

friend:  And no mayonnaise on both.  (we pull ahead to the window and she hands over the coupon)  Okay, I have a coupon, so I should get the second sandwich free.

lady:  OKAY. SO  your new total is $6.12

friend: UM.  Now, shouldn’t the total be less than that?  because the sandwich is free and i only ordered an extra value meal -but I didn’t even get fries and I only got water.

lady:  Well, why don’t you just order two sandwiches then? 

friend: Because the coupon says I have to order an extra value meal in order to get the other sandwich free.

lady: OKAY. SO you want the extra value meal, with just the sandwich and the water?

friend: yes.

lady: well, the bottled water is actually more expensive than the other drinks, so it’s still going to be that amt.

friend: ok, then no water.

lady: OKAY. SO you just want  the extra value meal – with no fries and no drink?

friend: yes.

(at this point, the lady is rendered speechless and has to get the manager)

(this is also the point when i call my dad and have a five minute conversation, while trying not to leap out the car window and thrust myself into moving traffic.)

drive_throughFinally, they tell her just to pay three dollars and they hand over the sandwiches.  As we’re leaving, she tells me that later we’ll have to go back cus the Mochas are buy one get one free from 2:00-5.   Then we go to Babys R Us.  She rolls up to the checkout with a cart full of stuff and hands the elderly cashier AN ENTIRE STACK  of coupons.  Then, she says:

friend: but here’s the thing, they are all expired.

cashier: um, so you want to use a stack of expired coupons for your purchases?

friend: yes.  George said it was okay because I live out of town and only come around once a week.

cashier:  George doesn’t work here anymore.  Let me get the manager.  (at this point, I start to get uncomfortable)

friend:  Oh, and I’m supposed to get a free box of diapers because I bought three Pamper products.

(Knowing what is about to come, I just walk away.  I stand by the door for a good 15 mins before going to the car, where I waited for another 10 minutes.)

As soon as she gets in the car, I tell her that she took so long that we might miss the 2-5 timeframe in which to get the free mocha at McDonalds.   I start driving, when I notice some rustling in the passenger seat.  Before I know it, she has plugged in her breast pump and was holding two empty bottles.  I just looked over  and she says, “Don’t you worry, I got this under control.”   We ended the day by going to JCPenny, where the clearance items were also buy one get one free.  Then there was yet another confrontation with an elderly cashier when my friend asked if she could do two separate purchases in order to get more things free.  The lady said that wasn’t really fair to JCPenny, to which my friend replied that she has to do what’s fair for her wallet

Who’s the Elephant?

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young Tony Da-a-anza…

elton-john-tiny-dancer1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This moment brought you by your favorite friend, Phoebe Buffet:

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