Ladies and Gentlemen,
If I could please turn your attention toward the stage as we are joined by the specialest of special guests tonight: Nostradamus. I am aware that many of you feel concerned about the future in these times of uncertainty, thus, I have invited him to come and ease your minds with his wealth of prophetic knowledge.
Nostradamus predictions for 2009:
1. The US government will realize it was a ludacris assumption that they can save every species of obscure Arctic creature and drill for oil. Consequently, they will relinquish their struggle with the middle east and throw themselves at their mercy once and for all. Convinced that no amount of national security and financial independence is worth sacrificing a clear conscience (or an animal), all government officials will sleep soundly.
2. The Jonas Brothers, having finally lost their longstanding fight against puberty, will awake to find they no longer fit into their skinny jeans. Feeling confused and displaced, they will retreat and seek solice in Hanson, the brotherly singing trio who had so courageously gone before them.
3. NASA will spend millions to develop groundbreaking technology, which will allow people to scam the welfare system in a more discrete and successful manner and quite possibly allow other countries to locate every secret weapon system that we have.
4. People will come out in droves to celebrate the historical inauguation of Barack Obama. Oprah will celebrate by sporting a new hair weave and kick- starting a brand new diet plan that incorporates breakfast smoothies and lard sandwiches.
5. Miley Sirus will again be “accidentally revealing” during a photo shoot, which will result in Disney finally giving her the axe. Then she will ball her achy-breaky eyes out and start the inevitable downward spiral of her once promising childhood career.
6. Nick Lachey will come up with yet another completely horrible way to cash in on any remaining fans that he might possibly be able to muster up. An endeavor that will fail miserably.
7. GM and Ford will finally receive the bailout of their dreams. After billions have been spent to keep everyone employed, the world will realize their cars still suck and they will go under anyway. This will further push China into world domination.
My dear friends, I hope these insights will bring you much peace of mind and happiness in the New Year. For I would not have thought it so important to come back from the dead unless we were at this truly critical point in history.