So if there’s one thing that might force me to relinquish all respect for my mother, it would be that she loves Neil Diamond. And black licorice. Both, unforgivable offences. If you didn’t know, Neil made a guest appearance on tonight’s Grammies. I wasn’t warned of this, obviously. This gave me no choice but to switch to Bravo, where they were playing The Real Housewives of Orange County rerun-marathon that I now have memorized, which gave me no choice but to mute it and write this blog.
I went and saw the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You“ on Friday. I have been living in anxious anticipation of this movie since I first picked up the book – one of three that I’ve actually read in my life. While I was watching it, I couldn’t help but reminisce on all of the unfortunate male mishaps I’ve had in my life, which there is not enough available space left on the internet to fully chronicle.
Guys: this post is for your benefit. Just know if you do any of these things, no girl will ever be that into you.
1. White-tiger-internet-guy. Okay, so, remember when you were much younger and much stupider, and you and your friends put your profile on a dating site for the heck of it? And then out of nowhere some guy actually contacted you and wanted to meet forreal? And then you were super freaked out, but didn’t know how to turn him down? Oh, just me. Well, as the stars would have it, a charming young man would invite me to coffee. In the course of casual emailing, I had mentioned that I always wanted a pet white tiger. That may not be something that usually ever comes up in your casual conversations, but it would if you were talking to me. So I arrive, at a well-lit, public place (I was stupid, but cautious) and waddya know the moment I sit down, he hands over a stuffed white tiger. Okay.
dont. ever. do. that.
You better believe that one of my family members had a life-threatening emergency about 10 mins after he handed over the animal.
2. Underware-model-Wrigley-field-guy. I’m sure there’s alot of people who may over look certain flaws or potential sources of conflict in a relationship if the person is strikingly gorgeous or from a famous family. This would be underware model wrigley field guy. Indeed, nice to look at. Indeed, of noble blood. But let’s just make something drastically clear: if you check your reflection in a car window or talk about water weight on a regular basis – we’re just not going to last. An instant snapshot of our granola and jogging filled future popped into the forefront of my mind, and it was over.
3. Italian-gold-chain-guy. I love Italians. But as soon as they leave Italy, something just goes haywire. I myself, am Italian – but not that Italian. Orazio was his name. Orazio was one of the sweetest people on earth. He had a good job, and was to inherit his dad’s uber successful business. He opened doors, pulled out chairs, held the umbrella…all that good, but uneccessary stuff. But this poor guy was just too Italian. He wore a gold chain. And as soon as my eyes caught the first gleam of that blinding light, it was the beginning of the end.
This is a pretty funny video entitled: “10 chick flick cliches that aren’t in He’s Just Not That Into You”
GIRLS: this post is for your benefit. Just know if you do any of these things, no GUY will ever be that into you.
Hate on Neil Diamond.
haha. yes, i suppose these are unisex examples of what not to do bearman.
I hated the book, and am avoiding the movie like it’s covered in Neil Diamond’s love butter.
well enna, you’re 1 for1. that book was awesome. granted, it was full of things i already knew, but it’s just that i had so many friends who actually did the things in that book and whined to me about it regularly – i think thats why i liked it. it was therapy. then i told them all to read it
I read that book – and I saw the writer, Greg Behrendt’s stand up act- he’s hilarious.
I linked you in my blog today – you inflated my ego.
And I also had the same movie reference…
Unlike you – I avoided the grammy’s all together. Yay for youtube.
julie, i am good at inflating things. thats what she said. I must say i thought the movie would be cheesy, but it was pretty good. I think i could have made it a tad more funny
my wife told me about a guy online who emailed her when she was single, saying that he wanted to suck on her toes…
um, thanks for the moment of creepiness buddy.
Jennifer Aniston is not funny in any capacity, so I can’t imagine that movie being very tolerable. And since I don’t read (something I pride myself on while furthering the literacy rate in America), I have no idea what the book was like.
I can vouch the things like “pet white tigers” do come up in conversations with “thedailyelephant”. I’m sure I have a few examples from our conversations, but I have to go
hide all of the random objects I bought for you…. do something.well, “whitty”, i can tell you that jen aniston is barely in the movie. the main character is that girl who was the wife in walk the line, she’s pretty good. but it’s very love actually like – with a bunch of story lines weaved together so it’s not that boring.
Ah, so they’re playing to the ADD crowd, making it slightly more tolerable for people like me. The only thing that could make it more tolerable is if Jennifer Aniston gets run over by a bus at some point.
why the disdain? i like the aniston. she’s pleasant enough. she got her hubby stolen, you should feel pity for her
You’re just biased because she was on Friends and you loved that show. I, however, have removed the rose colored glasses and see her for who she really is.
Plus, can you blame Pitt for leaving her? 40+ year old Aniston or ANGELINA JOLIE? Um. No. Contest.
whitty, please refer to my response to michael for my view on angelina. she is not hotter. she’s scary and jen is the girl next door who everyone loves. angelina is dark and twisted and doesn’t even talk to her dad. how can you not talk to john voight?
Good post today, very good.
I don’t think Pitt left Aniston on the basis of who was hotter, usually when you are married you don’t play the trade up game as frequently as when you are single and participating on an MTV dating show. I always thought it related to differing views on starting a family, which is a classic marriage point of irreconciliability, and concerns about the box office viability of “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”, which is less often cited in divorce court.
Though it would be interesting if new wife hotness could be used as grounds for a no-fault divorce, that would really change the game.
michael- i concur with your analysis on brangelina. I feel that angelina jolie is horribly unattractive with her exagerrated features and she looks like a bug or something. most guys i know agree. so it couldn’t have been the hotness. i feel it was the family stuff too, although jen always says she wants a fam…. so …
lol! i tried internet dating – and ended up across the table from a guy with no teeth. big surprise he always had his mouth closed in his pictures.
haha. brooke – hilarious. funny how those profile pics work to your advantage eh?
hilarious!!!
“the main character is that girl who was the wife in walk the line”
Reese Witherspoon is not in this movie.
yes, bearman the original wife before he left her for reese whitherspoon- Ginnifer goodwin
Great post here!
Would you like a Link Exchange with our new blog COMMON CENTS where we blog about the issues of the day?
http://www.commoncts.blogspot.com
sure. I’ll add you.
But dark and twisted is more interesting than plain, boring, old, and stupid. But you’re right, not talking to John Voight is high crime. No one ever debated she’s insane.
who said jen is boring? i don’t think you can accurately make that assessment.
Ok – I must jump in – didn’t Angelina wear a necklace with Billy Bob’s BLOOD in it? That there, should disqualify her from any form of hotness and stick her permanently in the creepy category.
um ding ding ding! you are correct. total creeptown.
I can accurately make any assessment I want, because well, I’m never wrong. That’s a proven fact, because I just said it was.
But yeah, Angelina is creepy. I wouldn’t want to live under the same roof as her.
ah my dear dailyelephant hehe we call those Gold wearing Italian (and sometimes greek boys) “wogs” in australia. They are classic. I agree with you italian men are great… but when they leave italy something happens…. its like the try to overcompensate. If you ever get the opportunity to find a movie called “Wog Boy” check it out. Great Australian movie about a wog in Melbourne… very funny with a great Travolta inspired dance routine in there. It was one of those low budget films done by a aussie wog comedian.
oh susi, you always bring a little spice to my blog. I don’t know about said “wog movie” the sound of that word kind of scares me, but I’ll see what i can do.
I also hate black licorice…more than almost anything, actually.
I did really like the movie…I went to see it with a female friend on Saturday night and the theater we were in was packed full of sorority girls. You could literally hear sobbing when Jen got proposed to toward the end. It was kind of annoying…but I still liked the movie!
yea, that whole part was cheesy, it’s like could they ever just make a movie without the cheese.. but i thought it was good overall. I hate the whole “awwwww” factor. it’s like, shut up, it’s not like you didn’t know that was coming. so obvious.
Ditto. Totally predicable…almost disappointingly so. I mean, part of me honestly wished they didn’t “cave” and write that part in and that they just had the dude stick to his previous “convictions” (as ass-hole like or whatever they might have been)…but on the other hand, I am not sure that the movie was worth analyzing as much as I started to. 😉 I am with you, overall I enjoyed it. Yahoo for mindless, funny entertainment.
However, I have to agree with your earlier statement…I am pretty sure that if you were one of the writers of the movie, it could’ve been even funnier!! 😉
it’s just like, as soon as i have a ray of hope that it won’t be cheesy – there they go again. And the whole thing where the guy went to the girls house at the end and said she wasn’t the rule she was the exception… ugh. that storyline had so much hope. I did appreciate the divorce though, that was a nice touch
Your mom likes black licorice AND Neil Diamond. That just triggered my gag relfex.
Are we long-lost cousins?
I’m sure she’s a wonderful lady, otherwise.
Anyhoo…here’s the deal.
Angelina is spicy thai food with unidentified foreign objects floating in the bowl. Tempting for those who are brave and slightly insane, terrifying for anyone else.
Jen is fettucini alfredo with chicken.
I compare people to food. What’s wrong with that?
pinky, just because of that wonderfully delicious analogy – i’m going to go ahead and say yes. we ARE long lost cousins. Jen won’t leave you with heartburn and a fever. my mom is wonderful, but i do have many memories of the car smelling of black licorice when she picked me up from school.
and by the way, i can no longer access your blog because it says invited readers only ;( and I don’t have a google account. so i’m not purposefully avoiding you
FYI Just put this on my blog (complete with link to YOU):
The Daily Elephant…one of my new “guilty pleasures”…is a blog I happened upon…honestly, I am not even really sure how I found it! Regardless, I LOVE it. The witty banter in the posts and then in the comments after the posts…all of it is just plain hilarious. I am honestly jealous of the writer, who seems to have quite the crazy life. All of the wild things she blogs about are actually true…I don’t want to ruin any of her stories (or plagiarize! ;)), so I will just have to tell you to TRUST ME (why shouldn’t you?!) and go check it out for yourself. You won’t be sorry. Or maybe you will…it’s addictive! Kind of like crack, but in a good way.
And, Pinky…the food analogies are great. And delicious ;).
oh my goodness, rach you are TOO SWEET. seriously, i don’t know about all that but thank you!! shucks.
Visiting from SITS. Very interesting. I’m wanting to see that movie. I like Jen and yep I watched Friends. 🙂
hey tonya! good to see you around. the movie is worth it 😉
I always liked fettucini alfredo.
i know, right? so comfortable and yummy.
Not sure if you are into Twitter, but I just discovered that Neil Diamond is on Twitter and wanted to let you know because I KNOW you’ll want to follow him! http://twitter.com/neildiamond LOL
well katy, let me break it down for you. i tried that twitter thing like 3 years ago before anyone even knew about it. then i never used it cuz no one else had it. then like 3 weeks ago someone talked me into resigning up… and i feel as though it’s going to go neglected again. just not into it
Hey Elephant…or Brit…if I can call you that…you can come back now,even though I know you already did. I don’t know how I became invite only. My door is open again.
Thanks, Rachel! I like to compare my friends to food. My tofu friends don’t really appreciate it, but my mocha latte friends do. Go figure.
I dig on fettucini, too, Jewels.
Okay. Now we must all get together for dinner at my place.
ooooo, that sounds nice, but only if you live somewhere warmer than chicago. otherwise, i won’t be gaining much except for a few pounds.
So I was supposed to go see this movie on Monday but my friend/movie date ran out of money so she asked if we could go next Monday. So now I have to wait another week. Oh well it will be worth it! It looks like such a funny movie and I read that the majority of the audience going to see this move is 25 and older. Doesn’t that make you feel old or maybe mature? I felt old for a second but I’m ok with it.
what i think it means jo is that people don’t realize these things until after they graduate college, thus, can’t fully enjoy the movie untl they are that age. pathetic, yes. you’ll like it though!
Brit…finally finished the latest Obama cartoon. I didn’t take your advice on the blue lips though. I guess Chicago is close enough to Canada that you would think he needed it.
[…] I’m just not that into him […]
Shoes are the deal-breaker for me. I can’t get past them. Many an attractive, kind, interesting man has been passed up because he wears ridiculous shoes, and by ridiculous, I mean ones I don’t like. Once, it was a requisite for the beginning of a relationship that I burnt an entire shoe collection – the patent ones burned so brightly. The relationship didn’t last. I have no idea why.
lol. i bet they did burn brightly, with all of their laquer. see, you don’t have to worry about that much over here… it’s pretty much sneakers and call it a day. we’re lazy. there is the random metrosexual, but only if you live in a bigger city.
Ok – so I JUST saw this movie yesterday – and I felt SO incredibly awkward for Ginnifer Goodwin I could feel myself sliding down my chair throughout half the movie.
It will be awhile before I like Scarlett Johansen again. A long while.
i know right jules? scarlett was a) a whore. b) has orange roots c) has a horrible voice (i downloaded the soundtrack and oh my gah! awful)