Now that you’ve had sufficient time to recover from your recent overdose of all things ridiculous and heart shaped… it’s time for you to pull up a seat, sharpen your pencil, steal a couple glue sticks, and grab a lunchable [or maybe some of those pre-sliced apples in the little pouches designed for the world’s laziest moms]. Please clear your mind of all recent uncomfortable encounters, romantic endeavors gone awry, and anything else that might prohibit you from fully absorbing the knowledge I’m about to impart upon you. Open your eyes, your ears, and most importantly your hearts… because The Elephant’s School of Life is back in session.
It’s time for another installment of “What You Can Learn From My Inexcusable Mistakes” [or] “The Moral of The Elephant’s Story” [or] “Just Don’t Do This And You Should Be Ok”
1. Don’t be scared of braces. Because if your teeth are jacked up then you’re gonna have to deal with it at some point if you want to be socially acceptable. Except by that time, you won’t be covered under your parent’s insurance anymore, so you’ll be out six grand and 22 with braces.
The moral: Get over it metal face. No one’s gonna even notice anything past the unsightly acne and oversized glasses on your face anyway.
2. Don’t start dating a psychopath, one so crazy, that you must runaway to Europe to hopefully be rid of him. It won’t work. He’ll come to visit you and wisk you off to Paris, where he’ll lose his wallet and force you both to wander around the red light district, all dressed up, without any money, or knowledge of the French language. Then you’ll get all deathly ill and it will start to hail. Unfortunately, he will still propose to you. You’ll say no, but he’ll have you keep the ring anyway in a lame, yet crafty attempt to get you to reconsider. But it won’t work cus you are smarter than that. When you finally come home, you will put the ring in your glove box so that you can bring it back because you are not a gold digging whore. However, in a random twist of fate, one of your “friends” will borrow your car and steal it before you have the chance.
I guess there could be two three morals here: Don’t date a psychopath. Or let anyone borrow your car. Or have a glovebox.
3. Don’t accidentally use a long distance # to connect your dad’s AOL dial-up so you can instant message your high school friends all night long. Please understand that “FREE TRIAL” doesn’t also apply to the phone bill. Oh sorry, that one was kind of outdated. But I’m serious dad, I’ll cut you a check for that real soon!
4. If you should still find yourself dating a psychopath, [even after my strong warning against doing so] don’t runaway to Europe to get rid of him. Not only will that fail miserably, but you will end up meeting a new, even worse, British psychopath.
The moral: If you have the choice between foreign and domestic psychopaths, always stick with American made. Keep American jobs here!
I don’t get the picture.. but maybe thats the point.
I also did the AOL thing. WHOOPS.
it was an empty glove box…. you know, where my engagement ring was supposed to be?!?!
I assume that is your empty glove box.
Yup, might as well stick to homegrown stupid…
thank you buddy. maybe you should hang out with dale for awhile
I had braces at 13. Smartest thing I ever did. Putting off getting my wisdom teeth out until I had to pay for it instead of my parents… not so much. I would advise getting everything done you can while still covered by your parents insurance.
I would have pressed charges against said “friend”
And I thought I had bad dating experiences….
jules… i did get the wisdom teeth done under the insurance… but not the braces.
and…. i did press charges and they questioned him, but he just denied it and they left it alone… UM? thanks illinois police
Oh Brit, I know these are rehashes and merely the tip of the iceberg of your “special” life experiences, but always good advice for the younger readers on here.
Julie, no matter what you consider “bad” as dating experiences, Brit has you topped in the “holy shit I can’t believe I lived through that” experiences. I’ll let Brit elaborate on them as she feels the desire to, don’t want to steal any of her thunder.
yes brandon, you’ve been following me since the myspace days… i’m bound to rehash. how can i not? ?? this crap is too good! i hadn’t talked about the engagement ring yet, so i thought it was necessary for these guys to know.
That’s true, this stuff is pretty amazing. I’m just surprised the engagement ring didn’t get more blog time than a brief mention in this blog.
Is this where I make the obligatory “all Illinois government workers are corrupt” statement?
oh whitty. i think that goes without saying, but suuure… i never get sick of making a mockery of our entire state. wisconsin should marry illinois to make for the most ridiculous state ever.
yes, well, i find that the MOST ridiculous things in my life are best left to a brief mention… anything longer and they might not be so much funny as they are utterly depressing and horrible.
Protectionist policies, such as exclusively dating domestic sociopaths, only serve to amplify the depth and duration of an economic downturn.
haha. yes, i suppose michael. but I’m trying my best to keep our jobs here!
I’m all for the marriage of states. It’s not like I don’t mock my own state enough, at least we’re rid of HIM though. FINALLY. For GOOD.
You’re right about the brief mention of the ridiculous things. Good call on that. It’s not like you don’t have many many more things to bring up.
exactly. i give each ridiculous and painful event in my life exactly what it deserves: a brief, insignificant, sarcastic mention. because that’s how i deal with it and that may possibly make me an insensitive bastard.
I wouldn’t call you an insensitive bastard, although I’m not sure how much that means coming from me. I can’t imagine why people would ever think neither of us is ever happy. haha
you know, oddly enough, there was this guy who i was friends with in london (like the london Kenny) and he knew quite a bit about my life since we had hours and hours to kill considering none of us ever went to class. well, this one day we were eating dinner and i said something about someone in my family who had died and it was all non chalant. not that i don’t care, but this other girl was complaining about somethinng stupid and we were all annoyed. and he looked at me and said “you know, i’ve never met anyone who’s gone through more shit in their life but has the best effin attitude. it’s really remarkable.” ah well, that was one of the best compliments of my life i think. cus i know alot of people see me as cynical and twisty and bitter. but really, humor is the only way i find to get through things and it’s nice that some people get that without reading more into it
It’s always nice to find people that understand that. I mean hell, life is tough for almost everyone. There’s always going to be ups and downs. Just because we don’t sit around and cry about it doesn’t mean we’re bitter or insensitive (we are cynical though, partially for humor, but partially to laugh at things that suck).
There’s nothing worse than the armchair psychologist trying to read deeper into these things though. Usually it’s some pseudo-intellectual snob that you just want to strangle, too.
whitty… i hATE the armchair psychologists.. although i tend to be one. but i’m not actually serious… but i probably could be since i’m usually right. mwahahaha
I don’t think you are bitter at all – if your bitter I’m sure on the train with you –
I find that people with the best attitudes are the people who have been through the most – whereas people who have only had, say a hang nail in the troubles of life… continually whine and bitch.
(let me just state that our blog mocking is not whining or bitching – but creating humor for the good of mankind)
see there you go jules. further cementing the fact that you are the coolest new thing since grated parmesean… and if truth be told, a necessary element to my life.
a hang nail in the troubles of life… yea… i know a few of those
man – i go to lunch I miss a ton
how dare you jules – going on having a life like that. you should be glued to your refresh button all day long
The glovebox now is seen. My burst.
i hope your world makes sense again, dale.
Lil’ Phant can’t you see how you are just adding to the problem with domestic protectionism?
If you continue to coddle and insulate them from global competition through a “date American first” ideology, American sociopath’s will lag further and further behind European and Asian sociopath’s on the global marketplace.
Face it, unless you open the borders up to dating the “best available sociopath” versus “best available American sociopath”, you are contributing to a lack of American competitiveness, which I believe is the reverse of your original intent.
1. thank you for listening to the instructions michael and addressing me by my rapper name.
2. no. no. i still have to disagree michael. America is the best country in the world. Regardless of the fact that our politicians put the mob to shame, and we can’t stop buying things we can’t afford, and we can’t seem to make use of our own natural resources – we are the best! and i’ll be darned if i’ll let you come on my blog and say that our psychopaths might not be the envy of the world.
Sigh…you are right, I admit it, America still leads the planet in sociopaths. I’m just concerned that protectionism could erode the competitive advantage that American’s enjoy in creating domestic sociopaths.
The whole industry could go the way of the big 3 automakers and require a massive subsidy to keep it afloat. Fingers crossed though!
it’s okay michael… obama will just loan them piles of money borrowed from the middle east so that we can keep producing our own sociopaths. it’s what’s most important, afterall
Hmm – interesting theory about supporting your own psycho-path rather than the foreign kind! How about doing what Chandler from Friends did (remember the “Yemen” episode?) and say you’re going abroad (preferable some 3rd world country) and that you don’t know how long you’ll be gone for but that you would LOVE for him to visit… this way you kill 2 birds with one stone: 1) he will end up going abroad and thus will be out of your life for an indefinite period of time and 2) You rid the USA of yet one more psychopathic dimwit!
days- you people from the land down under always have good theories. oh yes, chandler. my tv boyfriend, how i love him.
hahaha – oh brit – obama references like that are why you are now a daily in my everyday life… along with grated cheese.. which is awesome.
haha. well jules. u can always expect the truth from these lips.
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