I suppose if I were conventional, I would have started the Kenny Chronicles with this post, but no such luck. It was a cold and rainy night several years ago. Well, I don’t know about all that, but it was night, for sure. I went to a music festival that we have in my hometown every labor day. It’s an event that you have no desire to attend after the age of 17, but somehow you end up going every year because someone’s dad got free tickets from their work [ or ] you’re bored out of your mind.
I went with my psycho British boyfriend and a guy that pretty much every person in my town either knows or “has heard of” because he’s just that absurd. We’ll call him Joe. Oh wait, that’s his actual name. Oh well. As we’re walking back to our car, this guy walks up to us, Joe turns to me and says, this is my best friend Kenny. Shortly after that Joe started chasing one of the cleaning trucks, hopped on the back of it, and rode off into the sunset. At that very moment, Kenny and I looked at eachother, shook our heads, and said, “Yea. That’s about right.”
[Skip ahead a couple of weeks] We’re at birthday party downtown Chicago. We ended up sleeping on the floor of one of Kenny’s friend’s apartments. I’m not going to make any apologies for what I’m about to say: this place was a skeezy trash hole. There was like 8 people living there and I felt like I was getting a disease just by looking at the toilet seat.
In the morning, I rustled a little, tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. I looked over at Kenny and he just had a confused look on his face. We glanced up at the tv, and what do we see? Gay porn. YUP. Apparently, one of the tenants was gay. He wasn’t seriously watching it, he was making fun of it, but either way – Kenny and I looked at eachother and immediately said “let’s go get the car.”
I put my heels back on, which fit nicely over the massive blisters I acquired the night before and we stepped outside. I have mascara smeared all over my face, it’s blazing hot outside, and I’m still wearing my black “going out clothes.” It’s 10:00 am Sunday morning and we look ridiculous. After we had walked around the city for about 20 mins, I say:
me: wait, I think we already went passed that building.
kenny: naw, I don’t think so. the car is parked on the street over there.
me: but that’s the White Hen Pantry that we saw 5 mins ago.
kenny: no, no it’s not. they’re like on every corner here.
me: but… WAIT! that’s the same homeless guy. we just went in a giant circle!
kenny: homeless guys wander around.
me: NO. they stay in one spot. wait, you don’t have any idea where the car is do you?
kenny: well, I don’t know if you could say I have no idea, but I’m not exactly sure either.
me: WHAT? Well then why are we wandering aimlessly in the blazing sun when i’m tired, dehydrated, and blistery? and i look ridiculous? Why don’t you know where it is? you’re the man, you’re supposed to know.
kenny: Everything looks the same here.
For more chapters in the Kenny Chronicles, please check out: How to talk yourself out of dating almost anyone, A conversation at Starbucks, Black Friday, depression, and a Salvation Army chair, A bad gordita and some classy water, and A metrosexual in a Yankees hat
“you’re the man, you’re supposed to know.” – I will remember this the next time any of you female folk try to claim you know everything, even YOU expect the men to know everything.
However, this story sounds about right for the “crazy” times of your life. It’s odd how I slowly transitioned to expecting stories like this as opposed to be appalled or shocked something like this actually happened.
see? breaking boundaries whitty. breakin boundaries. i strive to change the way people view the world, “normalcy.” and forthcoming blogs
Awww… the walk of shame.
Although I have never woken up to gay porn. Thank the Lord for small favors.
jules. yes, most people don’t have to do the walk of shame in front of the whole city of chicago and random homeless men.. but… since when do i do anything the normal way
“you’re the man, you’re supposed to know.”
Since the beggining women just tried to put this burden on our shoulders but that’s ok, no complaints…
But still they do want to be on the same level with us, what about the : ” you’re supposed to know” thing…
Still I just wanted to mention that point…
P.S. nice contemporary story, thx for reminding once again about the crazy and still funny world we are living in…;)
alright sugardaddy. let me break it down for you. I am in no way a feminazi.. so i could care less about all that equality crap. guys are better at certain things, as are women. However, pretty much everything i say can be assumed sarcastic, so by me saying that i was definately making fun of all the guys of the world who have claimed to be good at navigating their way around things since the beginning of time. And i was simultaneously making fun of the women who act like they are better than men in every way, yet still know they need their help when it comes to things like physical labor and directions. it was a double whammy of sarcasm. thats how i roll.
hope to see you around 😉
Do I know Joe? Kenny? Maybe not, but I do know this “music festival” you speak of. You’re one of the only people to refer to it by it’s actual purpose. I typically describe it another way, but I cant because of my New Years Resolution.
“Going out”. Do you not remember where you came from? I think that’s a sin and you’re going to hell now.
Dale. you probabaly don’t know joe cus you are younger than me and he is older than me so there’s quite an age gap. but if you saw him, you’d probably recognize him. kenny, you definately don’t know him.
the only reason people attend said music festival is to “hang out” or hook up with other middle schoolers. when you get older, it’s just a complete annoyance when your friends want u to go. and then there’s the gothy bridge where all the creeptowns hang. and the ghetto bridge, where you think you’re gonna get a cap to the shin. ugh
yes, i’m aware that is a sin. don’t worry, that took place during the “myspace days”.
“you’re the man, you’re supposed to know.”
exactly right.
funny funny girl. 🙂
hey, you know what i’m saying maria. gotta represent. if they want to claim it then they better be able to live up
umm… i do know Joe… and he is entirely absurd. no joke.
hey, what the heck are you doing up so late j. farr????? haha. yea. i’m sure someone who reads this blog would know him. how do you?
I really liked your comment to Maria at With My Whole Heart so I came here to take a look. I have only skimmed your blog but cannot wait to read completely and know I’m going to love finding you.
oh … how sweet annie. thank you so much for stopping by. I hope you enjoy yourself. 😉
Is the music festival you speak of…On the Waterfront? I haven’t been back to Rockford in a while…but I think I recall said “festival”…kind of ghetto and sketcho, if I recall….yet I always seemed to go when I lived there because there was “nothing else to do”.
I remember one year when I went some guy friend of me brought walkie talkies and figured out the frequency that the even staff was using on their walkie talkie thingies and started screwing with them. Lame, but of course hilarious to young-college-aged “kids.”
Ok, here’s some material (not that you are lacking by any means) for a blog post for ya: this morning I woke up to my husband saying, “did you hear that?” I hadn’t…so he had to explain. He had the TV on in our bedroom (he watches Fox News every morning) as he was getting ready for work (I generally have Fridays off, so my lazy arse was still in bed) and apparently some lady got shot in the HEAD by her boyfriend and her WEAVE deflected the bullet or something and saved her. Seriously. It was on Fox News, so it’s fair and balanced, right?
WEIRD.
On that note, have a wonderful day 😉
rach… dont you worry. OF COURSE i watch fox news every morning as well and i just saw that. i LMAO! in fact, i’m still laughing as we speak.
of course, it’s the waterfront… so ghetto. and really, like we could ever get any decent bands to come HERE? I don’t even think i’ve ever heard of any of them. How can it be the biggest music festival in illinois.. i don’t get it. that walkie talkie thing was genius.
I am now going directly to Foxnews to check this out.
Here’s the story…not many details though
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,497125,00.html
Found more via Google 😉
http://www.blackvoices.com/blogs/2009/02/19/h/
http://www.nbcactionnews.com/news/local/story/Cops-Hair-Weave-Stops-Bullet/x6Lq5NPwxUSMhiY0QSyqRA.cspx
Nice played sarcasm…dailyelephant
You can take it one way or the other way, meaning sarcastic or regular…
I took it as a regular thing … so I explained my point of view…
Besides I don’t think you are a feminazi.
oh sugar, your point of view is always welcome here. I understood what you meant 😉 yes, my ramblings have many interpretations. they can be likened to egyptian heiroglyphics… mysterious, wise, and a bit sandy
Oh the waterfront. How awesome are we to have experienced it a few too many times. I still won’t go near the intersection with the Subway on the corner, for fear of my life.
Anyway, no good bands? Lifehouse? Hello, only the best band EVAR!
Wingding anybody? Or am I on my own.
dale… 1. wingding – you’ve got to be kidding. although my dad went there once and got some ribs to go… well, he tried to squeeze some bbq sauce on top of them from a GIANT bottle. and he kept pushing but nothing came out. eventually it shot all over the brand new cubs shirt i bought him AND his sky blue dad jeans. then he didn’t wanna hop in his new car for fear my mom would divorce him so he stripped all of his clothes off and rode home in his boxers.
i know him from Rock Valley… one day he dressed up as superman and jumped off the bridge…. I’m not kidding. see, entirely absurd.
oh i know. i was going to include that in my statement about him jess, just because i knew there’d be someone who knew what i was talking about. haha!
ok sweetums this is not the largest music festival in Illinois but whatev…well im off to get a weave later today to deflect any possible shootings. You’re more than welcome to join me!
northern illinois. northern. thats what they always advertise? darling, would i lie to you
no but they are lying to you!
…ahhh. the good old days. : )
..and ‘walk of shame’? so you and Kenny DID date at one point but are just good friends now?
no, no carl. we never dated. This happened during the first month we met. The british boyfriend went to the party too.
[…] obviously I can’t let this one get away) and immediately headed over to Panera where Kenny was chillin. I storm in, sit down and […]