So, I took some time out of my busy day, actually took a shower, actually put on some real pants, and went to get a massage. The entire time I was there, I was writing this blog in my head. I’ll start from the beginning.
I’m standing there naked (but fully robed) (although the robes are like paper thin) (but at least it’s dimly lit) OK. I’m standing there and right off the bat the massage girl says:
girl: So just go ahead and get in the bed, I’ll step out for a second.
me: Ok. sounds good.
girl: Oh, so you’re a massage therapist then?
me: (a little bit freaked out that this complete stranger would ask me this) Um, well… that’s a long story. But not exactly.
girl: Oh, well it says in your file that you were going to massage therapy school.
me: (wondering why in the heck I have a “file” for getting spa services… Also wondering what else this so-called “file” contains. Also wondering if every conversation I have with my massage therapists are recorded in said “file” because I’m pretty sure I remember talking about that last time I was here…) Yea, well I was going, but I quit.
girl: Well I was just nervous that I had a trained professional on my hands and you were gonna be all judgey.
So I get into the bed. She comes in. No sooner than the blanket is off my back we are engrossed in a conversation about, what else? …. relationships.
I said something about my bad experiences and tendencies to date inappropriate (and sometimes International) men, and she responded with “stop stealing my life.” It was in that very moment, when she cloned my favorite phrase, that the world stood still. The clouds parted, and an epiphany shone down from the heavens…. Could it be?
Further conversation would prove that my hypothesis was indeed, correct:
me: so wait, let me get this straight. You’ve been floundering around for several years, dating inappropriate men that you were convinced were perfect, avoiding marriage and illegitimate children, went to school for art yet are now giving me a massage, you’re restless, confused, AND you say things like “stealing my life?”
girl: Yes. and I’ve dated inappropriate International men.
me: (stop talking for a second to catch my breath)… who? how? …from where?
girl: Well, first there was the German. It was really fun travelling around with him. Then there was the Costa Rican foreign exchange student. But thennnnnnn there was the Ecuadorian. He was trouble. But we had a good time in Argentina.
me: (this girl is me…should I be scared?…) I know this sounds terrible, but have you found that many of your relationships have “overlapped” because you have mentally moved on but can’t get the guts to break it off with the other person?
girl: Oh yea… big time.
That sealed the deal. I was in love. We had more things in common that I could possibly write about and we ended up talking through the entire massage… but dont’ you worry I’m a master multi-tasker, thus I was able to simultaneously relax. I gave her my card (because obviously I can’t let this one get away) and immediately headed over to Panera where Kenny was chillin. I storm in, sit down and say:
me: OK. You’re not going to BELIEVE this!?!#$% After all these years, I have managed to find the female equivalent of myself!
kenny: But…. you are female.
me: I know that I’m female. But you’re the male equivalent of me, right? So she’s the female.
kenny: Oh. Well good for you.
At least you had a happy ending.
haha. yes michael. there’s that.
Dude! I thought I was well on my way to being your equivalent…..oh well – no international men from me other than the random british boy i kissed in a bar years ago merely because i loved the way he said my name… ah well…
oh jules, you are my equivalent … in CYBERSPACE! no forreals though, it seems i have alot of clones wandering around
Yes she is your equivalent. Obviously neither of you know to SHUT THE $%^# UP, when you are getting/giving a massage.
***censorship compliments of the elephant
The new Bearman cracks me up!
Sheesh, the language around here. I had to ease up on the internet security in order to access this page!
haha. dale.. i was thinking the same thing. in fact I think i’m going to go into bearman’s comment and edit it for the PG audience
Note to self: Avoid Rockford at all costs. I’m not sure I can handle that much crazy in one place.
oh whitty, it’s better to be crazy than boring eh?
Its like when Jeannie met Jerry (seinfeld)… hehe. Or am i thinking of that movie… single white female…..
susi, i am sorry to report i have no idea what you’re talking about on either account. haha
dont’ worry everyone!!!! the elephant to the rescue. I have successfully censored bearman’s very un-PG comment.
The world is at peace again, and children are welcome to play around in the elephant’s sandbox without fear of vulgar language…
love you bearman!
That’s cool, I would have went with @#$% myself, but yours is good too.
Dammit, now I have TWO evil twins!
I’m sorry for the news Enna. … that must be terrible for you
Sorry…didn’t know the f bomb would cause such havoc. Will censor myself in the future.
well… it DID bearman! i hope youre disappointed in yourself
I feel the F bomb is respectable, but only in certain situations. Like when you’re driving behind someone from Missouri.
dale… tru that.. or when you lose to some granny on the price is right.
Very interesting. I too have met my male and female equivalant and ……hated them both………….. Is that disturbing?
granny… welcome to this disfunctional family. and to answer your question… YES. congratulations. both on meeting your equivalents and being disturbing
You know, on second glance, this started out like it was going to be your best post ever. You’re naked, some other gal is telling you to get into bed, then blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, (picture of George Costanza, which was hilarious), blah, blah, blah, something about a metrosexual guy.
No wonder Bearman got so upset.
haha. you’re right michael.. on second glance, you’re right. SORRY bearman! SORRY world for disappointing you
so….you and kenny….kinda like will and grace. however you two haven’t gotten to the part of accepting your own sexuality yet and so there is still a sexual tension between you two. any hoot! we are supposed to be running right now!!!
shut up dana… THERE IS NOT! you know better. yes, shouldn’t we ALWAYS be running right now
i was gonna explain it but then couldnt be bothered hehe. I will explain single whie female… a movie from the 90’s where a woman living alone was looking for a flatmate found this other woman who (like your massues) seemed to be just like her. then the new flatmate tried to kill her and steal her life.
well susi… that sounds very fitting… like something that could definately happen in my life.
I am now prepared for the inevitable “I had to go into witness protection and change my name to hide from my psychotic roommate that had so much in common with me” story from Brit. Like I said before, nothing would even surprise me at this point.
haha. funny funny funny.. now SHUT UP everyone. but you’re probably right. expect a blog about my serial killer massage therapist female equivalent in a couple weeks.
i thought i already left a comment here.
i can’t talk or have anyone talk (too much) while i’m getting a massage. umm…. yah!…. that’s my two cents.
oh yeah, congrats on meeting your female equivalent. do i here bff wedding bells? 😉
it’s possible maria.. it’s possible. this may possibly be the solution to my fear of marriage
hmmm I think it has something to do with massage therapists…the girl who gives me my massages lived/studied for a semester in the czech republic and had drama with a foreign boyfriend there. maybe she is stealing your life, too? she is really cool and we actually hang out regularly. maybe she’s my GA eqivalent of you?:-)
haha. I have little clones popping up all over it seems, jo.
What’s the deal with slacking off the entire week I’m gone? I’m disappointed. Am I really that crucial to progress?
well, whitty… you better bite your tongue cus, oh wait, just wrote a blog SETTLE