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Archive for the ‘family affairs’ Category

Well, it’s one month shy of my first post here at The Daily Elephant.   I would like to say a big thank you to all of you out there who actually take time out of your extremely busy lives [or so you say..] to read about my ridiculous life.  It has been my pleasure to get to know you all.  As much as I’ve loved my big, oversized, wrinkly elephant skin, – I need some space to breathe.  You know how I get restless.

The time has come to announce my new website, and I thank you for your patience.  Oh wait, you were a bunch of crazy LUNATICS continually griping in my ear everyday. 

I want you to know that in this era of social networking, twittering, and myspacing that YOU are the first ones to know about this wonderous new development.  And let me tell you something, you better come visit me cus that blog is nekkid!!!  And no,  it’s not the kind of nekkid you’d be excited about.   I spend countless hours copying some of my favorite blogs onto the new website so it wouldn’t be empty and now there are ZERO comments.  It’s as if I have the most hated blog on the planet.  Boo hoo.  First one to comment wins… uh… my heart

We all know that I’m challenged when it comes to things like choosing names, significant others, or things from the dollar menu.  So you can IMAGINE the heartache I suffered over the name of my new website.  Afterall, I’m pretty hard to please and I’d like to be happy with this for more than a year.  So I thought long and hard about the general nature of my blogs and conversations with friends.  And one thing kept coming to mind- I’m very direct.  And I like it that way.  And I like others to be that way with me.   So I present to you my new website, designed by yours truly:

blunt-delivery-2

***FAVOR:  All of you that have The Daily Elephant listed on your blog roll, could you pretty pretty please change that to bluntdelivery.com???  I will love you forever.

And just for that, I have some fabulous new blogs for you right at the top of the pile, including: 

A Post-it Would Have Been Better

Middle School Misfortune

Nitemare on Ex Street

I Dated A Slumdog Millionaire

Not to mention that there is now a picture up of Kenny and I from the actual night in question from my post The Kenny Chronicles: How We Met

BOO-YA!  Told you I’d have it up by today.  There’s all sorts of new things for you to feast your eyes on, so you’ll have to look through the categories.  I am also introducing THE SKINNY, which is where I’ll be telling you the deal about products, websites, and things that will either revolutionize or destroy your life.

See ya around kids.

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One of my goals for 2009 was to “stop fabricating the truth”  so that means that what you are about to witness is actually forreal.

Again, I am sorry for the GIANT space between blogs here… all good things come to those who wait.  Or have money.  Whichever.  So, those of you who know my parents will understand that this blog is absolutely true.  Those of you who don’t know my parents, might now understand how I became the freak that I am today.   My family is hilarious.  We’re like the token Italian family they always showcase in movies, who talk over eachother and have 8 different conversations happening at once.  Except, my mom isn’t even Italian.  And I don’t have 7 siblings named after famous Italian statues.

parentsFirst, there’s a couple of things you must know about my parents to fully appreciate this story.  My dad is quite possibly the funniest person alive – to everyone except my mother, who never gets any of his jokes.   On the other hand, no one on earth ever laughs at my mother’s jokes, except my mother, because they are just horrendous.   My dad and I often challenge each other to see who can ignore her jokes the best, because if we give her even the slightest bit of encouragement she will keep repeating them. over. and. over.   In a nutshell, they are on completely different wavelengths.  In fact, the only thing they might have in common is their confusion over anything related to pop culture.

We’re watching American Idol, some nerdy kid sings, and my mom loves it.

mom: you know who he reminds me of?  that kid on King of the Lords.

me:  what?

dad:  King of the Lords?!?  you mean, Ring of the Lords?

mom:  oh, IM SORRY.  that’s right, I meant Ring of the Lords.

me:  no. no.  it’s Lord of the Rings.

clay-aiken-people-covermom:  well, I like him.  he reminded me of Clay Aiken.

me:  I guess.  I like Clay Aiken.  Can’t believe he had a kid.

mom:  a kid????   he got married?

me: not exactly.  he artifically inseminated his 40 yr old roommate and then he came out of the closet.

mom:  WHAT?!?!  since when?

me:  like, a year ago?

dad:  [randomnly changing the subject]  you know, if you need get those pictures off my camera I’ve got a SUB cord and you can hook it up.

me:  SUB?  what?  It’s not a car we’re talking about here.  you mean a USB cord?

dad:  Oh gosh, I’m sorry.  I  don’t know what’s wrong with me tonight.  Sometimes I transpose my numbers.

me: …… sigh… you mean letters?   [going to grab some paper so I can write all of this down]

nathaniel-marshall-american-idol[Nathaniel, the annoying emo kid sings…]

mom:  he looks like he has a booger in his nose.

me:  it’s a nose ring.

mom:  so tell me more about this Clay Adkins?

me:  it’s AIKEN. 

mom:  so does he have a boyfriend then?

dad:  well that’s usually how it goes.

[then Jose, the Puerto Rican sings his song and gets emotional afterwards]

dad:  [all annoyed]  well you know he’ll make it now

me:  cus he cried?

American Idoldad:  of course.  but you know who I liked was that little brunette.  She was the best one with the best voice that messed up the worst.

[meanwhile, “‘Lil Rounds” (which is where I got my inspiration for ‘Lil Phant)  sings her R&B song….]

mom:  well that was just terrible.  She’d of been better off singing Mary Had A Little Lamb than that crap.  it was like black on a chalkboard.

dad:  well that’s cus you just don’t get it.  That girl’s gotta lot of class.

me:  you said black on a chalkboard.

 

this blog has officially moved to: www.bluntdelivery.com

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The problem with me is I had a great childhood. 

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This is a bittersweet  fact of my life, as now I have nothing to blame my issues on.  My mom wasn’t a career obsessed, impossible to please crazypants, who tried to force me into childhood beauty pageants and acting classes so that she could live out her dreams.  She was actually a stay at home mom, who had cookies and a plate of assorted cheeses waiting for me every day after school.

 

 

 

 42-18497083My dad wasn’t in the slammer after various robbery attempts, therefore prompting me to search for love in all the inappropriate places because I suffered from daddy abandonment issues.   Instead, he sat through the intolerable rehashing of my entire school day each night after dinner, when I would give him a plethora of “homework assignments” to be handed in the next night. 

But can I just say that it’s pretty sad when you can’t pass a spelling test given to you by your 7 year old daughter.

My brother, on the other hand, he was the thorn in my rose garden of a chidhood.  He never once in all my living days:  a) talked to me, or b) let me so much as walk in the same vicinity of his Nintendo.  Although deeply scarring, I don’t feel that I can justify blaming all of my insanity upon him.   Ugh. 

By the way, Who’s the elephant?

www.wordsbybrit.com

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So for any of you complete losers out there, tonight was a big night in the way of reality TV.  In a three-hour drama fest, The Bachelorette choses Jesse over Jason to be her fiance in one of the most shocking rose ceremonies to date.  Although every rose ceremony is the most shocking to date, this one really was.  

Even if you have no clue what i’m talking about, you can appreciate the story thats about to come. 

Its 8:45.  the Bachelorette had just told the first guy ( as he was getting down on one knee) “too bad so sad,” and then it was all a startling blur and somehow i was watching a burger king commercial -which was equally as intriguing to me.  i noticed 5 missed calls from my mom.  This was strange since we’d already talked today.  I got seriously worried thinking i must have a close relative lying in a ditch, dark alley, or jail cell somewhere.  

I call her and the following conversation takes place (my mom’s statements are in CAPS to emphasize the freaking out):

me: “I saw you called me 5 times, whats wrong?”

mom: “I’M ABOUT TO HAVE A SERIOUS CORONARY, YOU HAVE NO IDEA”

me: “what happened?”

mom: “IS YOUR POWER OUT?  MY POWER IS OUT.  THE LAST THING I SAW WAS WHEN SHE BROUGHT THE GUYS HOME TO MEET HER PARENTS.  I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT IS HAPPENING.  ARE YOU TAPING IT?”

me: “i’m watching it.  why would i be taping it?”

mom: “YOU AREN’T TAPING IT?  WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?  I’VE BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW FOR 6 WEEKS AND ON THE FINALE MY POWER GOES OUT.  AND WE HAVE A HAIL STORM.  AND NOW I’M HAVING HOT FLASHES CUZ THE AIR IS OFF.”

me: “well, you didn’t miss that much.  she rejected jason.”

mom: “SHE WHAT?!?!”

me: “yea.  i was pretty surprised.  so now she’s gotta talk to the other guy.”

mom: “ARE YOU SERIOUS?  I THOUGHT FOR SURE SHE WAS PICKING JASON?  OH MY GOOOOOOSH. WELL, WHAT CAN I DO?  CAN YOU TURN IT UP SO I CAN HEAR IT?”

me: “um, i guess i could.  i don’t know if you can hear it through a cell phone.  maybe i’ll put it on speaker.”

[standing the phone up on my desk and facing it toward the tv…. meanwhile, my boyfriend sitting in the corner gets confirmation that i have the most ridiculous family to ever exist.]

me: “can you hear it ok?”

mom: “YEA.  YEA. I CAN. OK.  BE QUIET NOW.”

[she picks jesse, he purposes, the show ends…]

me: “ok, well, at least you heard that part”

mom: “OH MAN.  I AM SO MAD YOU CAN’T IMAGINE.  MY HEAD IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE. ITS GOING TO LITERALLY EXPLODE.”

me: ” WAIT A MINUTE…it looks like it’s on for another hour!  its the After the Rose Ceremony.   she’s gonna confront the guy she dumped, reunite with her fiance, and make a special announcement!”

mom: “@%$#@^@!!”

me: “OK OK. SERIOUSLY.   i don’t have time for this.  i’ll tape it. bye.”

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I realize that its been more than a couple days since my fingers have graced the pearly plastics, and i have nothing to say except that i wish this thing had spell check because i am burning some serious midnight oil right now.  Anyways, I have so many stories to tell that i feel like i’m an old, accomplished writer who is piecing together her memoir -and yet,  i’m just starting out.

I was thinking that we would touch the subject of commitments and fears and all sorts of deep rooted feelings that surface on a late saturday night; however, i think i’ll just say that i’m ecstatic that my mom just called me and said “its going to rain tomorrow, so we’re not going to have the Father’s Day  pool party after all.” ( i come from a long line of procrastinators, so yes, we’re just getting around to the whole Father’s Day thing)

Anyway, I have serious problems with committment;  but, this is old news, and nothing that interests you.  However, a recent conversation between my mother and father just very well might:

so my mom and dad are watching tv in the kitchen.  i sneak into the fridge, snatch a bowl that has a single piece of leftover pie in it, and maneuver my way back to the living room, but before i make it there, i’m stopped with:

MOM: “what are you eating, my pie?”

ME: “YOUR pie? Well there’s only this one piece, what happened to the rest of it?”

DAD YELLS FROM THE CORNER: “there was a pie?! i never knew there was a pie.”

MOM: “it wasn’t a very big one, it was like, individual size.”

DAD: “I’ve never seen an individual pie.”

…..[mom glances at tv, trying to change the subject…]

MOM: “is that alice cooper? He looks like satan these days.”

 

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