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Well, it’s one month shy of my first post here at The Daily Elephant.   I would like to say a big thank you to all of you out there who actually take time out of your extremely busy lives [or so you say..] to read about my ridiculous life.  It has been my pleasure to get to know you all.  As much as I’ve loved my big, oversized, wrinkly elephant skin, – I need some space to breathe.  You know how I get restless.

The time has come to announce my new website, and I thank you for your patience.  Oh wait, you were a bunch of crazy LUNATICS continually griping in my ear everyday. 

I want you to know that in this era of social networking, twittering, and myspacing that YOU are the first ones to know about this wonderous new development.  And let me tell you something, you better come visit me cus that blog is nekkid!!!  And no,  it’s not the kind of nekkid you’d be excited about.   I spend countless hours copying some of my favorite blogs onto the new website so it wouldn’t be empty and now there are ZERO comments.  It’s as if I have the most hated blog on the planet.  Boo hoo.  First one to comment wins… uh… my heart

We all know that I’m challenged when it comes to things like choosing names, significant others, or things from the dollar menu.  So you can IMAGINE the heartache I suffered over the name of my new website.  Afterall, I’m pretty hard to please and I’d like to be happy with this for more than a year.  So I thought long and hard about the general nature of my blogs and conversations with friends.  And one thing kept coming to mind- I’m very direct.  And I like it that way.  And I like others to be that way with me.   So I present to you my new website, designed by yours truly:

blunt-delivery-2

***FAVOR:  All of you that have The Daily Elephant listed on your blog roll, could you pretty pretty please change that to bluntdelivery.com???  I will love you forever.

And just for that, I have some fabulous new blogs for you right at the top of the pile, including: 

A Post-it Would Have Been Better

Middle School Misfortune

Nitemare on Ex Street

I Dated A Slumdog Millionaire

Not to mention that there is now a picture up of Kenny and I from the actual night in question from my post The Kenny Chronicles: How We Met

BOO-YA!  Told you I’d have it up by today.  There’s all sorts of new things for you to feast your eyes on, so you’ll have to look through the categories.  I am also introducing THE SKINNY, which is where I’ll be telling you the deal about products, websites, and things that will either revolutionize or destroy your life.

See ya around kids.

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chicken-soup-for-the-soul-campus-chroniclesAlas, the moment is almost upon us… 

How I’ve missed all of you in the past couple weeks.  I’m sure it was harder for you than it was for me, thus, I vow never to put you through such unspeakable anxiety like that again. 

I will be announcing my new website at the end of this week – either Thursday or Friday.   Um.  That is where you’re supposed to show me your excited face, and I’m not too impressed so far.  So check back as I will have many new and exiting things for you to explore.   Did I mention that every visitor gets a FREE SNUGGIE?!!!!! 

In other exciting news, I have another story being published in Chicken Soup for the Soul.  It is the “Campus Chronicles” edition coming out on April 7th.  Unlike my first one, which was a bit cheesy [ I mean, I’d never even read these books so I didn’t know what they wanted ] this is a seductive tale of forbidden college romance.  A true story, of course, of a guy who changed my life.

 

this blog has officially moved to: www.bluntdelivery.com

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I admit, I did watch the Oscars last night.  I also admit that I didn’t really pay attention since I was working on my website… but you know that you can still rely on me to bring you those diamonds in the rough, those few and far between moments, where someone got totally made fun of in an inappropriate way.   And here we have Ben Stiller ripping apart Joaquin Phoenix and making fun of his appearance on David Letterman.  [if you haven’t seen this yet, scroll down about 3 blogs and you’ll find it]   He even took out his gum and put it on the podium.  …Ugh, priceless.  

 

 

 

Then, we have my new hero, Steve Martin.  As if I didn’t love him enough already, he and Tina Fey single handedly offended half of the celebrities at the Oscars by making fun of Scientology.   Hopefully Tom Cruise wasn’t there, or his head might have exploded.

 

 

 

 

this blog has officially moved to: www.bluntdelivery.com

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alfie-patten-and-chantelle-baby-moiseTHIS BLOG HAS MOVED TO www.bluntdelivery.com

HOLD. THE. PHONE. I usually don’t report news, but I have no choice but to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you quite possibly the most disturbing, yet hilarious news you’ve heard all year.  I’d like you to meet Alfie Patten, a strapping young 13 yr. old British lad and his new baby, Maisie.  Alfie stands 4 ft tall, and when asked how he and his girlfriend would afford the baby he told The Sun, “I thought it would be good to have a baby.  We didn’t really think about how we would afford it.  I don’t really get pocket money (allowance).  My dad sometimes gives me ten bucks.”

Alfie’s dad, who sold these pictures to The Sun, says that “Alfie could have shrugged his shoulders and sat at home on his Playstation, but he’s been at the hospital every day.”   Well, sounds like he’s shaping up to become dad of the year! The baby is living with Chantelle, Alfie’s 15 yr. old girlfriend (he’s quite the ladies man) and her family of six, currently being supported by the government.  BONUS:  Alfie is allowed to “stay the night.”

Check the full article for pictures of Alfie and his girlfriend, or if you don’t believe me.  Because I almost didn’t.

Photo courtesy of  thesun.co.uk

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[BTW this post is not included in the contest – you do not need to leave a comment to qualify]

the-bachelor-jason-mesnick

Tonight on ABC’s The Bachelor, Jason Mesnick brings the ladies back to Seattle to show them his hometown.  He’ll go on two one-on-one dates and one group date that gets a little uncomfortable when the ladies are drilled by some radio station hosts.   Only one poor bachelorette won’t be introducing Jason to their family… find out who.  Check out my recap tonight on Realitytvmag.com

Want more blog traffic?

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Superbowl Sunday.  Afternoon.  Conversation:

him:  I have to pick up some pop for the superbowl party later.

me:  We’re going to a superbowl party?

him:  Yea, I told you that.

me:  What?  I’m not so sure about that. 

him:  I did.  You don’t remember.

me:  No, I wasn’t listening.  Well, I didn’t know that was today.  What’s the date today?

him:  It’s February 1st.

me:  WHAT?  SONOFA  #$%^!   That means my $10 off Gordmans coupon expired.   DANGIT!!!!!

him: So I have to get pop.

me:  Well, what are my chances of getting out of going cus I have alot of crap to do?

him:  About as good as my chances of getting a back rub tonight.

me:  But what if I’m suuuuper tired? 

him:   ….

me:  Well that’s some b.s. right there.  You know how I get sick when I’m sleep deprived.

him:  Well good thing you work from HOME.  Sleep in.   Clearly, you need to get out of the house, you didn’t know what day it was. 

[cut to three hours later at the Superbowl party……..]

Steelers Cardinals Football

 me:  so who’s playing anyway?

him:   Steelers and the Cardinals.

me:  Ok, well, I hate yellow so on principle I have to hope the red team wins.

him:  Good, we want the red team to win.

me:  and have you ever smelt pittsburg?  seriously. what a crap hole.

Want more traffic dahling?  Let me feature your blog

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the-bachelor-on-general-hospital

The bachelor gets to invade the General Hospital set tonight and act out love scenes with some of the bachelorettes.  At the end of the night, Jason doesn’t give out the final rose, which leaves three girls really pissed off!   Check out my recap on Reality Tv Magazine to find out all the details.  Here’s a preview of tonight’s episode:

 

 Who’s the Elephant?

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fools-gold-movie-poster1BREAKING NEWS:  2009 Oscar Nominations have been released. 

I was really, I mean REALLY shocked that Fool’s Gold didn’t get an Oscar nod  (or at least a handshake) for best picture.  The sheer realism alone of that movie was something to behold.  The cinematography, the writing… just everything.   And in a twist of romantic comedy fate, Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey were reunited in yet another seat-of-your-pants thriller that involves a divorced couple searching for hidden treasure.  

And if you think you can guess the ending to this movie, you are sorely mistaken.  This is no Vanilla Sky. 

If you haven’t seen it yet, then I urge you to run – not walk – to your local movie rental store where it’s on clearance, loitering somewhere near the bottom shelf, next to the Milk Duds and ungoldly overpriced tubs of microwave popcorn. 

When you can finally get over the shocking disappointment of this breaking news, you can see the full list of 2009 Oscar nominees  by going here.

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Aretha Franklin definately commanded some respect for her hat and for her performance of the national anthem at the Presidential Inauguration. 

 

aretha-franklins-hat-inauguration

 

Unfortunately, it commanded so much respect that Obama had to bring some of the attention back on himself.

 aretha-franklins-hat-inauguration-obama2

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barack-obama-inaugurationToday, when they announced the President-elect, they opted out of saying his middle name.  Instead they said Barack “H” Obama.  Now, come on, what is so bad about Hussein?    It’s not like it has a bad conotation.

Seriously though, on this very historical Presidential Inauguration, I want to say thank you President Bush, and I wish you all the best President Obama.  Oh, and I’m especially siked today because my cell phone plan renews, and wow, I was getting close to going over.

 

 

 

 

 

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leonardo-dicaprio-growing-pains-kurt-cameron

 

After all these years. 

After all the pain we’ve been through

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

titanic-rose-and-jack1

 

After waiting in obscene lines with hundreds of other equally pathetic women only to watch Titanic for the tenth time, thinking that somehow this time Rose might not be such a stingy lovestruck maiden and would let you hop on that raft for a just couple seconds to escape a watery death.

 

 

 

leonardo-dicaprio-and-gisele-bunchen

 

 

After all the times I’ve turned a blind eye as you’ve blatently cheated on me with many an anorexic  model from various continents.

 

 

 

 

 

leonardo-dicaprio-environmentalist

 

 

After all of this, I want you to know that I don’t just love you for the fact that you are trying to single-handedly save the planet one recyclable grocery bag at a time.

 

I love you in spite of that.

Environmentally unconsciously yours,

the elephant

 

 

p.s  Is it bad if  I leave all the lights on in my house while I drive around in my Suburban and chuck plastic water bottles out the window for fun?

By the way, Who’s the Elephant?

 www.wordsbybrit.com

 

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I’m not pointing dirty fingers here.  I’m smack dab in the middle of the park.  I might even be the Queen of the park.  For many years, I’ve tried to convince myself why I should stay here.  And I’ve often lost.  No mountains, no oceans, nothing but miles and miles of corrupted cornfields. 

Rod Capone Blagojevich
Rod Capone Blagojevich

The only thing I can come up with -other than really cheap housing costs – is that it’s the perfect place for an anemophobiac (one who fears natural diasters)  because nothing ever happens here.  It’s almost as if Illinois has scared natural diasters away with it’s white trashiness and corruption.  It’s pretty sad when you can scare away a natural diaster. 

Really, as Illinoians, we have nothing else going for ourselves. We unashamedly claim to have one of the most corrupt states in the Union, and quite possibly the dumbest. We elected a governor like Rod Capone Blagojevich, who while staring the cold, harsh reality of a lifetime in the slammer and a boyfriend named Chuck straight in the eyes, concerns himself with trying to appoint people to the Senate. What’s worse is that it might even work. Our educational system is so piss-poor that drop-out statistics don’t even apply to us because people are actually better off enrolling in the school of life than they are in one of our public schools. The unions are the new mob and have taken over every aspect of the state. You can’t sneeze without signing a waiver that you will blindly vote every Democrat into office for the rest of your meager existence, which will probably be a long time considering you can rule out natural diasters as a possible death option..

Oh, but we do have Oprah. I almost forgot about that. And lots of gangs.

 

 *photoshoping compliments of the Elephant, of course. By the way, Who’s the Elephant?

www.wordsbybrit.com

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pomegranite

Unfortunately, pomegranites are also the new disfunctional relationship.  We sense there’s something worthwhile deep down inside, but there’s just to much crap to go through in order to get to it.

But we’ll still try.  God knows, until we are old, grey, and in a mental institution…we will still try.

www.wordsbybrit.com

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Don’t get your panties in a bunch….the-bachelor-jason-mesnickAll of my love-stuck ladies who are freakishly anticipating the new bachelor Jason Mesnick’s every move, you can check out my weekly recaps on Reality Tv Magazine for the skinny.

For all those of you who have no idea what I’m referring to, it’s time you tuned into what life is really all about.

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Ladies and Gentlemen,

If I could please turn your attention toward the stage as we are joined by the specialest of special guests tonight: Nostradamus.  I am aware that many of you feel concerned about the future in these times of uncertainty, thus, I have invited him to come and ease your minds with his wealth of prophetic knowledge. 

nostradamus

Nostradamus predictions for 2009:

1. The US government will realize it was a ludacris assumption that they can save every species of obscure Arctic creature and drill for oil.  Consequently, they will relinquish their struggle with the middle east and throw themselves at their mercy once and for all.   Convinced that no amount of national security and financial independence is worth sacrificing  a clear conscience (or an animal), all government officials will sleep soundly.

jonas-brothers-skinny-jeans2.  The Jonas Brothers, having finally lost their longstanding fight against puberty, will awake to find they no longer fit into their skinny jeans.   Feeling confused and displaced,  they will retreat and seek solice in Hanson, the brotherly singing trio who had so courageously gone before them.

3.  NASA will spend millions to develop groundbreaking technology, which will allow people to scam the welfare system in a more discrete and successful manner and quite possibly allow other countries to locate every secret weapon system that we have.

4.  People will come out in droves to celebrate the historical inauguation of Barack Obama.  Oprah will celebrate by sporting a new hair weave and kick- starting a brand new diet plan that incorporates breakfast smoothies and lard sandwiches.

miley-cyrus-vanity-fair5.  Miley Sirus will again be “accidentally revealing”  during a photo shoot, which will result in Disney finally giving her the axe.  Then she will ball her achy-breaky eyes out and start the inevitable downward spiral of her once promising childhood career.

6.  Nick Lachey will come up with yet another completely horrible way to cash in on any remaining fans that he might possibly be able to muster up.  An endeavor that will fail miserably.

7. GM and Ford will finally receive the bailout of their dreams.  After billions have been spent to keep everyone employed, the world will realize their cars still suck and they will go under anyway.  This will further push China into world domination.

 

 My dear friends, I hope these insights will bring you much peace of mind and happiness in the New Year.  For I would not have thought it so important to come back from the dead unless we were at this truly critical point in history.

Profetically Yours,

Nostradamus

www.wordsbybrit.com

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I’m glad you tuned in tonight, I have alot of important news coming your way – including the results of your poll.  This is a special moment in The Daily Elephant history as we’ve crossed over the 20k visitor mark in less than six months.  You know what this means right?  Oh, you don’t.  Well, I was hoping you would because I haven’t a clue.  Anyway, it seems like we should celebrate, so I’d like to say a big thank you to all my avid readers (uh, brandon?)  and random visitors who are but innocent bystanders of my opinionated ramblings.  Oh yes, and while we’re popping the champagne corks I might just mention that a non-fiction story I wrote is being published in Chicken Soup for the Soul: My Resolution, in stores this Dec. 23!

YOUR POLL ANALYSIS: Last week, I conducted an extremely scientific, double blind poll, regarding the “real issues” of election 08.  Your results are as follows:  33% (the majority) of you feel that college is a freaking waste of time and money because you still don’t acquire any real life experience, thus have to waste you time in a dead end job so you can work your way up.  26% of you believe, despite what environmentalists are telling us,  that we are actually more important than polar bears.  22% still can’t wrap their minds around how Rosie O’Donell is still allowed to live here, and finally 19% are dumbfounded by the educational system.

Of all the topics that the general public of this fine planet have handed me on a golden platter with a side of cheesy potatoes to devour and criticize… I feel this monumental blog should be an extra special one.  Therefore, I must search my soul to find the one quagmire has driven me completely witless.  What ever shall it be?

. . . . . let me sleep on it.

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I do apologize for the turn to Serioustown last week.  It’s a rare occurrence here at The Daily Elephant that I will engage in such serious talk, however, when I feel that the country is standing on the brink of a rather detrimental decision – I have to step in.   But lets get back to what’s really important.

 

Important lessons learned from the life of OJ:

 

  1. You may slice and dice your wife in a fit of vicious rage, leave bloody evidence all over, and the judicial system will turn a blind eye.  Because hey, jealously happens.
  2.  You may also kill your wife’s lover during said vicious rage.  Again, because why wouldn’t you?
  3. Time to get in touch with your artsy side!  After the frenzy regarding these murders has finally passed, and the spotlight of interrogation is no longer over you, be sure to rub it in everyone’s face that you feel no remorse about what you’ve done.  I suggest perhaps writing a book describing in gruesome detail how you would have “actually killed them.”  That’ll fool em.
  4. When the attention dies down from the book release – which might just infuriate people as opposed to prove your innocence- it will be time to commit another crime! 
  5. Commit several scattered crimes of armed robbery, theft, and aggravated battery – just to change it up a bit- altering styles, locations, and alibis.  There’s nothing worse than being a predictable criminal.
  6. After getting away with all of this, I suggest spending the majority of your golden years in this same manner, because hey, you only live once.

 

Please note: It is very important during all of this, that you don’t get discouraged!!!  Just because you really want to go to prison and things aren’t quite working out the way you planned, it doesn’t mean that your dreams won’t come true someday. 

 

In the words of Churchill:  “Never, ever, give up.” 

 

And look where he is now.

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a 24 pack of Keystone Ice:  $5.99

1-ply toilet paper: $1.99

a piece of plywood to use as a raft:  $14.99

* surviving a hurricane and being able to float through your yard with everything that means the most to you in this world: 

 priceless

be prepared!

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On a quick political sidenote:

There’s a specific reason that I leave all the politics talk to Nikki.   I make it a point to educate myself on a variety of important issues throughout the world – I study them, research them, and actually understand what scary words like “bureaucracy” mean.  So the reason I can’t discuss them is because I simply can’t deal with people whose entire opinion of the world is based on the Yahoo homepage, the ticker tape at the bottom of CNN, their parents, or what they read on their favorite celebrity’s myspace blog.  That being said, 99% of the people I know fit into this category.  Unfortunately,  talking to people of this nature, thrusts me into a blind frenzy of rage; therefore, it is in the best interest of my overall health that I refrain from these conversations when at all possible.  I will, however, criticize and poke fun of all apects of the political arena, whenever I see fit.

 

Gosh dang it, you remind me of someone but I can’t quite put my finger on it..

no... thats not it.

 

God no.

God no.

definately not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Oh well, maybe I’ll think of it tomorrow.

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