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Archive for the ‘poli-tics me off’ Category

Well, it’s one month shy of my first post here at The Daily Elephant.   I would like to say a big thank you to all of you out there who actually take time out of your extremely busy lives [or so you say..] to read about my ridiculous life.  It has been my pleasure to get to know you all.  As much as I’ve loved my big, oversized, wrinkly elephant skin, – I need some space to breathe.  You know how I get restless.

The time has come to announce my new website, and I thank you for your patience.  Oh wait, you were a bunch of crazy LUNATICS continually griping in my ear everyday. 

I want you to know that in this era of social networking, twittering, and myspacing that YOU are the first ones to know about this wonderous new development.  And let me tell you something, you better come visit me cus that blog is nekkid!!!  And no,  it’s not the kind of nekkid you’d be excited about.   I spend countless hours copying some of my favorite blogs onto the new website so it wouldn’t be empty and now there are ZERO comments.  It’s as if I have the most hated blog on the planet.  Boo hoo.  First one to comment wins… uh… my heart

We all know that I’m challenged when it comes to things like choosing names, significant others, or things from the dollar menu.  So you can IMAGINE the heartache I suffered over the name of my new website.  Afterall, I’m pretty hard to please and I’d like to be happy with this for more than a year.  So I thought long and hard about the general nature of my blogs and conversations with friends.  And one thing kept coming to mind- I’m very direct.  And I like it that way.  And I like others to be that way with me.   So I present to you my new website, designed by yours truly:

blunt-delivery-2

***FAVOR:  All of you that have The Daily Elephant listed on your blog roll, could you pretty pretty please change that to bluntdelivery.com???  I will love you forever.

And just for that, I have some fabulous new blogs for you right at the top of the pile, including: 

A Post-it Would Have Been Better

Middle School Misfortune

Nitemare on Ex Street

I Dated A Slumdog Millionaire

Not to mention that there is now a picture up of Kenny and I from the actual night in question from my post The Kenny Chronicles: How We Met

BOO-YA!  Told you I’d have it up by today.  There’s all sorts of new things for you to feast your eyes on, so you’ll have to look through the categories.  I am also introducing THE SKINNY, which is where I’ll be telling you the deal about products, websites, and things that will either revolutionize or destroy your life.

See ya around kids.

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Aretha Franklin definately commanded some respect for her hat and for her performance of the national anthem at the Presidential Inauguration. 

 

aretha-franklins-hat-inauguration

 

Unfortunately, it commanded so much respect that Obama had to bring some of the attention back on himself.

 aretha-franklins-hat-inauguration-obama2

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barack-obama-inaugurationToday, when they announced the President-elect, they opted out of saying his middle name.  Instead they said Barack “H” Obama.  Now, come on, what is so bad about Hussein?    It’s not like it has a bad conotation.

Seriously though, on this very historical Presidential Inauguration, I want to say thank you President Bush, and I wish you all the best President Obama.  Oh, and I’m especially siked today because my cell phone plan renews, and wow, I was getting close to going over.

 

 

 

 

 

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I’m not pointing dirty fingers here.  I’m smack dab in the middle of the park.  I might even be the Queen of the park.  For many years, I’ve tried to convince myself why I should stay here.  And I’ve often lost.  No mountains, no oceans, nothing but miles and miles of corrupted cornfields. 

Rod Capone Blagojevich
Rod Capone Blagojevich

The only thing I can come up with -other than really cheap housing costs – is that it’s the perfect place for an anemophobiac (one who fears natural diasters)  because nothing ever happens here.  It’s almost as if Illinois has scared natural diasters away with it’s white trashiness and corruption.  It’s pretty sad when you can scare away a natural diaster. 

Really, as Illinoians, we have nothing else going for ourselves. We unashamedly claim to have one of the most corrupt states in the Union, and quite possibly the dumbest. We elected a governor like Rod Capone Blagojevich, who while staring the cold, harsh reality of a lifetime in the slammer and a boyfriend named Chuck straight in the eyes, concerns himself with trying to appoint people to the Senate. What’s worse is that it might even work. Our educational system is so piss-poor that drop-out statistics don’t even apply to us because people are actually better off enrolling in the school of life than they are in one of our public schools. The unions are the new mob and have taken over every aspect of the state. You can’t sneeze without signing a waiver that you will blindly vote every Democrat into office for the rest of your meager existence, which will probably be a long time considering you can rule out natural diasters as a possible death option..

Oh, but we do have Oprah. I almost forgot about that. And lots of gangs.

 

 *photoshoping compliments of the Elephant, of course. By the way, Who’s the Elephant?

www.wordsbybrit.com

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My Fellow Americans,

I just received word from BOTH the Obama and McCain campaigns. They are asking me to poll the American public and find out what’s really on your mind.  It’s time to exercise your right as an American citizen, and cast your vote below!

[for some reason the poll has disappeared.  but this is what it said]

1. the fact that you have to assume thousands of dollars of debt so you can struggle through 4 years of college, but then still end up working in a customer service job ‘cus you have “no real experience”

2. why environmentalists think that saving a polar bear is more important than retrieving our own oil so we don’t go broke and become taken over by the middle east

3. why high school graduates can disect a sentence but have no clue how to balance a checkbook or file their taxes

4.  why Rosie O’Donell is still allowed to live here

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On a quick political sidenote:

There’s a specific reason that I leave all the politics talk to Nikki.   I make it a point to educate myself on a variety of important issues throughout the world – I study them, research them, and actually understand what scary words like “bureaucracy” mean.  So the reason I can’t discuss them is because I simply can’t deal with people whose entire opinion of the world is based on the Yahoo homepage, the ticker tape at the bottom of CNN, their parents, or what they read on their favorite celebrity’s myspace blog.  That being said, 99% of the people I know fit into this category.  Unfortunately,  talking to people of this nature, thrusts me into a blind frenzy of rage; therefore, it is in the best interest of my overall health that I refrain from these conversations when at all possible.  I will, however, criticize and poke fun of all apects of the political arena, whenever I see fit.

 

Gosh dang it, you remind me of someone but I can’t quite put my finger on it..

no... thats not it.

 

God no.

God no.

definately not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Oh well, maybe I’ll think of it tomorrow.

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ATTENTION ladies and gentlemen of the jury, quiet observers, those who own Michael Bolton casettes and those who do not, feminists, starving artists, democrats, members of PETA, fake blondes, and innocent by-standers:

Some of you may or may not know that there is a large gathering of democrats out west this week.  I guess you could even call it a “convention” of sorts.  I just need to steal a moment of your time to make a formal announcement.  Hilary, I know you are a very, very busy pantsuit-wearing feminazi, but I especially need you to pay attention to this …  As I was laying in my bed tonight, all of the sudden, pieces of glass started falling on my blanket.  At first, I was confused because I didn’t even know my ceiling was made of glass-or that it was so terribly high?  I mean, I’m able to vote and own land and start businesses and go to school past the age of 8…I had no idea.  From my understanding, you put 18 million cracks in it, which sounds like a bit of a hazard.  And seriously Hilrod?  I need to get some sleep here- not to mention, the obvious health and safety risks associated with said cracking glass ceiling.  [Also, will the price to replace my ceiling be included in the new universal healthcare plan?  I wasn’t quite sure where that would fit…]

 

“Although we weren’t able to shatter that highest, hardest glass ceiling this time, thanks to you, it’s got about 18 million cracks in it and the light is shining through like never before, filling us all with the hope and the sure knowledge that the path will be a little easier next time.” -Hilary Clinton [or some speech-writer guy]

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Apparently, America has officially decided that this isn’t such a good idea, and Barack Obama has finally snagged the Democratic nomination.    

:::yawn:::   

 ::::crickets::::   

::::zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz::::

 

 

 talk about a blindside.  

Although everyone seems to be basking in the afterglow of this revelation, I think we are turning a blind eye to the real issue in our midst.  could there be a little hanky panky going on behind the scenes?  could these vicious attacks on one another be nothing more than pent up sexual tension on the rise?  could they be none other than two star-crossed senators in this great big, cruel and loveless political race?

 i don’t strive to break news, it just happens.

“if you come any closer Senator, I can’t promise that i will control my urges.”

 

MEMO: Now Barack, if you could just work on expanding your vocabulary to include words other than “change…” that would be awesome. thanks.

for more news on the Obama saga, check out “Obama Quits Church?”

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I don’t know if you guys have heard of Barack Obama, but he’s been in the news a bit lately.  Something to do with votes.  I don’t know.  Well, in spite of the fact that he has been attending Trinity United Church every week for the past sixteen years, was married there,  had his kids baptized there, and benefited from their financial support of his campaign -he has decided to cancel his membership.  Apparently, now the radical-ness is getting a bit too radical.  This decision was due to Obama attempting to break ties to Trinity’s former pastor Jeremiah Wright, who could be indeed classified as a Stage 5 Crazypants. 

 (Obama and Wright) “smile while you can Jerry, we won’t always be this happy.” 

“This is not a decision I come to lightly and frankly it’s one I make with some sadness,” says Obama.  Don’t worry, he still loves God.  But church isn’t in his best interest right now.  Once again, something to do with votes. 

 I’m not so sure. 

Then, just as the dust had appeared to settle, enter Michael Pfleger

—————->

who has put all the other crazypants in the land to shame. Pfleger,  whom the Catholic Church is trying to deny every knowing, recently accused Hilary of espousing “white entitlement” and also stated that “a black man’s stealing my show” during his speaking engagement at Trinity. 

 

 

{{{ siiiiiiiiiiiigh  }}}

 

For an up to date briefing on Obama’s new love interest visit here

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