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Archive for the ‘the holidays’ Category

Well, it’s one month shy of my first post here at The Daily Elephant.   I would like to say a big thank you to all of you out there who actually take time out of your extremely busy lives [or so you say..] to read about my ridiculous life.  It has been my pleasure to get to know you all.  As much as I’ve loved my big, oversized, wrinkly elephant skin, – I need some space to breathe.  You know how I get restless.

The time has come to announce my new website, and I thank you for your patience.  Oh wait, you were a bunch of crazy LUNATICS continually griping in my ear everyday. 

I want you to know that in this era of social networking, twittering, and myspacing that YOU are the first ones to know about this wonderous new development.  And let me tell you something, you better come visit me cus that blog is nekkid!!!  And no,  it’s not the kind of nekkid you’d be excited about.   I spend countless hours copying some of my favorite blogs onto the new website so it wouldn’t be empty and now there are ZERO comments.  It’s as if I have the most hated blog on the planet.  Boo hoo.  First one to comment wins… uh… my heart

We all know that I’m challenged when it comes to things like choosing names, significant others, or things from the dollar menu.  So you can IMAGINE the heartache I suffered over the name of my new website.  Afterall, I’m pretty hard to please and I’d like to be happy with this for more than a year.  So I thought long and hard about the general nature of my blogs and conversations with friends.  And one thing kept coming to mind- I’m very direct.  And I like it that way.  And I like others to be that way with me.   So I present to you my new website, designed by yours truly:

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***FAVOR:  All of you that have The Daily Elephant listed on your blog roll, could you pretty pretty please change that to bluntdelivery.com???  I will love you forever.

And just for that, I have some fabulous new blogs for you right at the top of the pile, including: 

A Post-it Would Have Been Better

Middle School Misfortune

Nitemare on Ex Street

I Dated A Slumdog Millionaire

Not to mention that there is now a picture up of Kenny and I from the actual night in question from my post The Kenny Chronicles: How We Met

BOO-YA!  Told you I’d have it up by today.  There’s all sorts of new things for you to feast your eyes on, so you’ll have to look through the categories.  I am also introducing THE SKINNY, which is where I’ll be telling you the deal about products, websites, and things that will either revolutionize or destroy your life.

See ya around kids.

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Dearest lovebirds of all shapes and sizes,

With the corniest scam holiday of the year fastly closing in on us, I thought I’d take the opposite approach to many websites, which list “good” Valentines Day gift ideas.  This could be because I hate Valentines Day.  Or that I take the opposite approach to just about everything.   If you could just hold on for one quick sec, while I finish this box of ice cream.   Much appreciated.

This post is strictly for the males out there, as you know,  I’ve always got your back.   I suggest you brace yourselves cowboys – because there’s a fierce wind coming your way and it’s about to blow your friggen mind.

vermont-teddy-bear-bandit-bear1.  Stuffed animals.  Whether it be a GIANT red atrocity from the Walmart candy aisle or a Vermont Teddy Bandit bear, you are not to buy us any form of a stuffed animal.  Nevermind the bombardment of commercials tell you that this is a good idea, it’s a glitch in the Matrix.  It isn’t cute.  We aren’t going to sleep with it every night.  It won’t remind us of how much we love you, but rather the dilemma we face over where we can possibly place a  GIANT-bright-red-stuffed bear that doesn’t match anything.  Nothing

Exceptions: You are dating a 9 year old. 

2. Lotion sets.  Alright, how much lotion do you think we need exactly?  We’re already trying to rotate the twelve lotion sets we have from the past four Christmas, birthdays, Valentines Days, Flag days, and that bout with pneumonia  – none of which we even like the smell of to begin with.  Unfortunately, we won’t allow ourselves to throw away perfectly good lotion -so we are forced to hoard them in misery.

Exceptions:  You are dating someone with incurable dry skin.  An aligator, perhaps.

pajamagram3. Pajama-grams.  First of all, what just happened?  Second of all, no.  Do you really think we want something from a company that says “this is the only gift guaranteed to get her clothes off”…..?  This is the worst thing you could EVER think of getting a woman.  Not only are these pajamas guaranteed to be butt ugly and itchy, but they come with additional accessories like “do not disturb” signs and flowered sachets.  gag.

Exceptions:  She is homeless and has nothing else to wear.

Guys, avoid these things along with anything that can be purchased from Walgreens of CVS and you should be alright.  For the most part.

Want more blog traffic?  Let me feature your blog

 

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Much in the same way a late night infomercial can mesmerize even the most disenchanted observer, I am about to mesmerize you with my savvy knowledge of life and relationships. 

richard-simmons-working-outOnly one more day until you are free from your past.  It’s time to grab hold of your future and ride it into the sunset.  What a better opportunity than now to encourage you all to go out and spend grandiose amounts of newly-attained Christmas cash on some fashionable work out gear.  Then, along with all the other dillusionally optimistic fake-dieters, you can show up once or twice to dust off your gym membership that will inevitabley grow extinct again come February.  Hurry up and do it before Richard’s shorts get tighter!

Along with working out and reflecting up on your current relationship the Elephant also suggests that you clean out your underware drawer.  I mean, would it kill you to weed some of those out?  I’m sure you can find some good deals a fresh pair of undies right about now…. just food for thought.

www.wordsbybrit.com

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So I was at Target yesterday, browsing through the dollar spot, when I picked up a snazzy ’09 desk calendar for myself.  It was right about then, that I realized the time is fastly approaching. ..

new-years-champagne A New Year.  A clean slate.  A fresh start.  Full of endless possibility and golden opportunity.  I don’t really believe in resolutions, but I do believe that you should take a moment to stop.  think.  and analyze your life over the past year.   And while you’re analyzing, you should also stop and realize that all that clean slate talk is nothing but a smelly pile of B.S.  I mean, that DUI is gonna ride your coattails right on into the New Year hunny. Sorry for the blunt delivery.

On a serious note, I think you should all take a moment to think about the relationship you are currently in.  I have compiled a list of common relationship classifications so that you can easily identify which one you have.  Then you can take appropriate action.

Relationships come in all shapes and sizes and the only thing that is consistent is the inconsistency [and the huge suitcase of issues that moves in with them and their inability to pick up their own socks.]  In my expert experience, these unions can be defined in a couple different ways:

1. The Rite of Passage Relationship: “You couldn’t be more wrong for me, but I’m still going to let you suck the life out of me until I have nothing left to give because I enjoy a challenging project.” (see footnote a)

2. The We’ve Been Together Waaay Too Long Relationship: “I’m pretty sure this has no potential of going anywhere meaningful, but we’re both too lazy and unconfrontational- so let’s just forget to break up and be eternally unsatisfied, sound good?”  (see footnote b)

3. The I Deserve Better, Yet I Don’t Relationship:  “You treat me like crap.  I like to complain about it to everyone, but for some reason I never leave you.  In fact, I’m so desperately and completely in unrequited love with you that I am satisfied with being the object of your un-affection until you ultimately dump me.  After that occurs, I will shed rivers of big, fat, elephant tears.  And eat myself ugly.”  (see footnote c)

4. The Biological Clock is Ticking/ If I Don’t Have Kids Soon My Mom Will Lose All Reason To Live Relationship:  “Alright.  This is as good as it’s gonna get.  courthouse or vegas?”  (see footnote d)

*footnote a).  this type of relationship is a rite of passage for every woman on earth.  some will learn.  others will continue to fall into this trap until they either despise men and resort to lesbianism, OR they snap one day and go on a shooting spree.

*footnote b). this is a common result of a long high school relationship, in which the person to whom you were originally attracted has now grown up into an entirely different person.  unfortunately, both parties will be too lazy and comfortable to end it, so they will go on to have a miserable existence.

*footnote c).  this person could very well be an attention -seeking, insecure individual with daddy issues.  OR it could be every girl i’ve ever known.

*footnote d).  hopefully, these two love eachother, but this is not a guarantee.  other possible factors leading to marriage could include but are not limited to – loneliness, peer pressure, a bad experience on Match.com, and the desperate need for a second income.

So unless you want to travel down the long, bleak road to a loveless future – by all means, end your crappy relationship!

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www.wordsbybrit.com

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For those of you who asked, if you want to check out my story in Chicken Soup for the Soul: My Resolution you can buy it at Amazon, rent it at your local bookstore, or steal it from your local Walmart.  It is available and in stores as of TODAY!

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Also, I have finally got my professional website wordsbybrit.com up and running.   Although it’s a bit ghetto, at this point it’s only so that I have a place to direct people when I apply for freelance jobs. 

If you haven’t noticed, it’s a blizzard outside so I suggest that you stay in and check out the rest of my Christmasy posts, which you will need in order to brave the holidays:

Black Friday, Depression, and a Salvation Army Chair

8 Days of Christmas Singlehood

5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Date an Only Child [or] Christmas is Cancelled

Festivus for the Rest of Us

An Office holiday party and after Christmas sales

…..I’ve done alot of shopping this year, but as it turns out I’m the easiest person to buy for.  Crap.

www.wordsbybrit.com

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All of this talk about recession and depression has put a toll on people this holiday season.  I’ve heard alot of people saying they aren’t even going to exchange gifts…  well that is just too bad because after all that is what Christmas is truly about.  One of my friends’ families waits til Dec 27th to give presents, so they can buy everything cheaper at the after christmas sales.  What a deliciously easy way to scam the system, why haven’t we all thought of that by now?  Don’t feel bad, they are a family of rocket scientists.

Usually, we have a work Christmas party Holiday party.  We go out to dinner somewhere and half the department doesn’t show up, and the half who does show up is only there for the free food and opportunity to see our boss get drunk.   This year, of course, there will be no parties company-wide.  There will be a gathering at my bosses house, but I won’t be attending.  Mainly, because I don’t work there anymore.  Oh wait, did I forget to mention that?  Yea, no longer a banker.

Speaking of that, when you part ways with a job, there is one thing that really occurs to you the next morning when you wake up,  And that is:   how much crap you had at your desk.    After I emptied the box onto my counter, I was awestruck at just how much crap I had.  However, my crap was anything but useless- and if anything you should take notes on some of the extraordinarily useful and essential items I had there.

work-party

1.  A “He’s Just Not That Into You” daily calendar, still set at January 3rd ’08.  Not only was this book revolutionary and needs to be read by all women, but lets face it, it’s attractive as well.  And now for a close up:

dontneed-226

2.  Aloe vera.   You never know when the fluorescent lights are going to get ya.  It’s best to be prepared.

3.   A Metallic, pre-lit mini Christmas tree.  I’m not going to lie to you.  I considered it, but then I thought – no, it’s Christmas.  This tree had been on my desk since October of 07.   I just didn’t light it all the time.

4.  A dollar store christmas candle from my secret santa last year.  Oops.  I either forgot to take it home, or I was scared it would blow up my house.  Who’s to know.

5.  The salt from the breakroom.  I mean, I use it so much it might as well just be at my desk.

Then, in a random twist of fate, there were things I’d forgotten.  So I went to go pick up another box from HR….. and what do I find?

dontneed-229

Um, it’s nice that they returned my PLASTIC silverware, but they really didn’t need to leave the crusty generic peanut butter still on it.  Seriously?

You know what else pops into your head the day after you part ways?  The fact that you don’t have a job.

www.wordsbybrit.com

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festivus-seinfeldBack in high school, seven of us started a tradition.  Every Dec. 23, regardless of whatever family emergencies or weather advisories might be in place, we celebrated Festivus, the fake Seinfeld holiday.  This consisted of all of us squeezing in one of our barely working cars, driving to the train station, and spending the day walking around Chicago, shopping, dethawing in Borders, and taking pictures with giant indian sculptures.   No matter how warm you dressed in preparation for this day, sorry, you were still going to freeze your ass off.   I don’t know how many of you have been to the Midwest – but don’t plan on having an ass by the time you leave, cus you won’t.

As usual, it was me and the guys.  That has kind of been the story of my life.   They’re so much less bitchy and jealous.   Every year, as we got off the train and the blustery snow started whipping across my face, I said, ” this is the last time I’m fricken doing this.”   But it never was.  And of course, we always had to take the latest available train home which was around midnight.  Always.   On the 5 year anniversary, we all sprayed our hair silver and carried around an aluminum pole.   This went on for several years until parts of the crew started getting married or having illegitimate children – both of which resulted in them dropping off the face of the earth.

 

But ah, good memories.

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