Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘the holidays’ Category

christmas-is-cancelledChristmas is cancelled. 

So my mom called me the other night and told me that my brother is calling a family meeting.  Immediately, I knew what it would be about.  He was trying to cancel Christmas again.   He does this every year when he realizes that he bought so many speed boats and BMW’s and 300 gallon aquariums, that he can’t possibly afford to buy six family members (which is the total number of people in our extended family) a $20 gift.  Then my mom gets all depressed because she never had Christmas as a child (due to her crazy-strict- skroogey dad) and now her and my aunt are trying to make up for their lost childhoods by re-creating Santa’s Village every year for us all.  But my brother is trying to steal their joy and in the meantime forcing me to overcompensate for the excitement that he isn’t showing.  YAY!

Sorry for the personal sidenote.  What I’m really here to talk about is dating a middle child.  I’m not one, but I’m here to tell you that if you are it’s okay.  A middle child is not the one you need to worry about… it’s the only child thats the problem.  For the love of everything peaceful, do not date an only child

Take it from me,  a quasi-only child.  Considering that I’m not even a full only child, I’m messed up.   If you’re wondering how it came to be that I’m not a whole only child, well that is too bad because I’m not getting into that tonight kids.  So here are the 5 reasons why you shouldn’t date someone like me:

1.  We all want ginormous families.  You try spending countless summers selling lemonade by yourself and playing house with only a mommy or daddy and see how you feel.  Plus, all the stress of grandkids rides soley on our shoulders.

2. We don’t like to share things.  It’s not so much that we don’t want to share, but we just like the things that are ours, to stay ours.

3.  We are either obsessed with pets or can’t stand them.  There’s no happy medium for an only child.  Growing up, we either learned to console our lonliness by surrounding ourselves with fuzzy woodland creatures, or we were so self-absorbed with ourselves that the thought of taking care of a pet was entirely overwhelming. 

4.  We have a tendency to be control freaks.  Most only children are the center of their parents’ universe, thus are the product of an overprotective and overbearing upbringing.   Which means when we grow up, we freak out and have to be in control of everything.  Everything.

5.  We have ridiculous, impossible to meet expectations.  And unfortunately, we don’t just put these expectations on ourselves, but everyone we meet.  This is because all the focus was on us and we have an inner need to over achieve.   So good luck with that.

only-child

Read Full Post »

I apologize in advance that pretty much all of my blogs from here on out will have something to do with Christmas.  Oh, I’m sorry, I meant to say “the holidays” as not to offend anyone.  It’s okay if you don’t currently like the holidays because unfortunately, you’ll love them by the time I’m done giving you all the reasons why you should.  In fact, the only thing you shouldn’t like about the holidays is people who force you to refer to them as “the holidays”  instead of Christmas, which you shouldn’t tolerate.  This reminds me of my previous boss who forced me to say “the holidays” whenever we were at a work outing.  Keyword: previous.

days-of-the-week-underwareMy first blog among the holiday installments will be about singlehood during the holiday season.  For all of you out there who’ve been recently dumped, it’s time to put away that sad face Macaulay McSulky.  You should be thanking your lucky days of the week underware right about now because this means you will be able to capitalize on the most wonderful hooking up time of the year! 

I will now dispense a list of reasons as to why you will love being single this holiday season, entitled:  the 8 Days of Christmas Singehood.  Why 8?  Because 7 just isn’t enough, and I couldn’t quite think of 9.   By the end of it, you may even love it so much that you might become jealous of yourself.

1.  on the first day of Christmas Singlehood,  just do whatever you want.  I mean, you can.  You’re single.

2.  on the second day of Christmas Singlehood, buy yourself a ridiculously insane gift and then marvel in the fact that you didn’t get chewed out by your shnookums because it was a waste of money, you already have enough of those,  or because you don’t have your priorities straight.

jello-mold3. on the third day of Christmas Singlehood, go to your family gathering – not someone else’s crazypants relative’s house where you will inevitably feel obligated to at least try the jello mold and act overly enthusiastic about the dollar store candle or tool kit they bought you.

4 .  on the fourth day of Christmas Singlehood, enjoy relaxing by the fire, drinking some hot chocolate, and not accompanying your beloved to an awkward holiday work party where you will be forced to dress up and “get to know” all of the people that you hear continual griping about.

5.  on the fifth day of Christmas Singlehood, please don’t waste the big, pretty makeout snow.  Nothing screams “i want to make out”  like snow-  and no one has the power to resist a snowy makeout.  so do everyone a favor and bundle up, find yourself a hottie, and spread a little holiday joy.

6.  on the sixth day of Christmas,  watch the Charlie Brown Christmas Special and relish the fact that you aren’t having the following internal dialogue:  “but what if I spend too much …then they’ll feel like crap… but what if I spend too little… then I look like a creep?”

beard7.  on the seventh day of Christmas, don’t shave.  in fact, don’t shave for any of the days, cus why?   [men: this might be the perfect opportunity for you to grow out that beard you keep talking about, which your girlfriend would never allow.]

8. on the eighth day of Christmas, go see an action film.  not a christmasy piece of crap movie that you’d have to see if you were in a relationship.

Read Full Post »

grandma_wii_bowlingI woke up the day after Thanksgiving with a massive headache.  No, I wasn’t hungover.  No, I wasn’t getting sick.  It’s just the after effects of a very stressful week.  Friends visiting, friends having babies, grandpas in the hospital, the usual.  Of course, as you know, I witnessed my best friend give birth to a child, which was at the very least:  horrific.  But not as horrifying as it is two days later when the images keep popping into the forefront of your mind.  Then my Thanksgiving consisted of watching my grandma, who is a self-proclaimed Wii bowling champion at her assisted living home, battle it out with my uncle and dad.  Well, she currently has a bad hip and wears frog green polyester pants, and everytime she pulled her arm back to release the bowling ball, she let out a fart.   Pretty soon I had to move to the other side of the couch, where my mom and my aunt were having a huge fight about who was going to host Christmas.  

 [Let me preface the next section by saying that my 99 saturn with duck tape covering a hole in the hood, although esthetically phenomenal, is not an all-terrain vehicle.  More on that later. ]

So I had made my annual plan to go shopping on Black Friday.  But when the morning came I called my girlfriend, who was supposed to accompany me, but she actually was hungover.  And depressed.  So I called Kenny.  Kenny’s always up for shopping.  Well, Kenny was depressed too.  I guess depression rates really do rise around the Holidays.  So after five hours of trudging through crowds of unruly shoppers by myself, I had seven bags on my arm cutting off the circulation to my heart.  After narrowly escaping a heart attack, I went to pick up my yellow Salvation Army chair with Kenny.

So I accidentally wandered into the Salvation Army again last week, and took a liking to a yellow chair, which I asked if i could pick it up later that day.  Of course, five days had passed since that conversation took place.  So Kenny had no choice but to help me.  For over 30 minutes, we were shivering in the parking lot (with several onlookers) having the following conversation:

me:  its GOING to fit

kenny:  no.  no it’s NOT.  how in the world can you think this is going to fit?

me: cus it’s not that big!

kenny: thats what she said.  haha.  ok seriously, yes it IS THAT BIG, because we can’t get it in!

me: thats what she said.  haha. ok, seriously, if we could just take the legs off it would be fine.

kenny: yea, thats a really good idea.  except they are attached.

me: well, lets try it diagonal in the backdoor again.

random guy:  you know, I used to move furniture for a living.  .. do you guys need some help? 

Kenny and me:  NO, we’re fine.

random guy:  well, do you mind if i just stand here and watch?  cus this is pretty entertaining.

kenny:  we’re just gonna have to put it in the trunk.

chair-in-trunk

me:  but i won’t be able to close it AT ALL.  isn’t that illegal?  isn’t that a hazard?

kenny:  we’re gonna have to come back then

me:  it’s already been sitting here 5 days, i have to take it.  but how will we tie it down?  I don’t have anything.  Go find some twine.

[kenny goes back inside, comes back after ten minutes, holding what appears to be rope]

telephone-cordme: you are AWESOME!  this is why i love you.   [ I grab the rope and start putting it around the chair]  wait, what is this?

kenny:  a telephone cord.

me: A TELEPHONE CORD?  what the?!  how am i supposed to tie anything with a telephone cord? 

kenny:  Don’t worry, i got two of them.  and a scarf.

me: SO?@$%

Check out more of the Kenny Chronicles:

How to talk yourself out of dating almost anyone

A Conversation at Starbucks

A Bad Gordita and Some Classy Water

Read Full Post »

My living room finally makes sense again.  I woke up two days ago to find a crusty english muffin at my bedside and snow on the ground.  As soon as I discovered this, I lept to the window and spread my curtains wide open to let in all the winter wonderlandish-ness.   I was elated at this fact because not only am I in LOVE with snow, but I’ve also had my Christmas tree up since about this time last year.  It gets to the point where you’ve waited so long to take it down, that it would be more sense just to leave it up.  I find myself in that predicament about once a year.

dead-santa

Speaking of the holidays, wait, were we?  Either way, I’d like to speak of the holidays.  I am a bit of a holiday freak.  When I say “holidays”  I’m not so much referring to Thanksgiving or Halloween or Easter or Canadian boxing day, pretty much just Christmas.  In fact, the only thing that pisses me off about the “holidays” is that they end.  In a perfect world, we would all co-exist in a constant state of holiday amazingness. 

I have alot against Thanksgiving:  1. its pointless.  2. nobody thanks anyone for anything.  3.  turkeys are a hassle.  4.  it takes up an entire month of what could be Christmas decorations and fills them with ridiculous things like cornucopias and corn stalks.   That being said, I’d like to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. 

Let me tell you how I spent my Thanksgiving eve: watching my best friend give birth. … well, first let me tell you how paranoid I am of having children (I think its equal parts the committment issue and the pain issue).  Anyhow, any shred of hope I had about having a child has been effectually lost after what I witnessed yesterday.  I had a feeling this would happen, but she’s my best friend and wanted me in there for comic relief.  So I told her stories (threw in a few Kenny Chronicles) and had all the nurses cracking up.  This continued all day and into the night, until forming my new favorite phrase to live by: “adoption- the painfree option.”

no-pain

Read Full Post »

I know things are tough right now.  We’re all struggling.  Unemployment is rising.  Wages are falling.  Social Security is depleting.  We are facing a monumental election in which 50% of us are  guaranteed to be disappointed with the outcome….

So during this tumoltuous time, I would like to utilize this moment to say some encouraging words to you all.  I’m more than just a strikingly gorgeous face and some light comic relief on a friday night, you know.

Wait, what was that?  How do you know I’m strikingly gorgeous since I never post pictures of myself?  What kind of crap question is that?  Well, if you can’t just take my word for it then it’s time we stop this charade and end this here and now.

Anyway, I’d just wanted to remind you all that even though it may seem that the world is crumbling around you, at least your nose is still in tact.  And that, my friends, is not a luxury we all enjoy.

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts