Posts Tagged ‘busted’

In this day and age of nuclear weapons, off shore drilling, going green, and kindergarten sex education, I’d like to take a moment of your time to address something that really matters:  birth control. gun control. mind control.  self control.  … naw.  nothing to do with control, it sounds so communisty.  But since you brought up control, why did 574 of you search my site for keyword “hitler” yesterday?   Do I have a bunch of creeptowns stalking my site now?  Anyway, I would like introduce you all to the Too Cool Police.  They are here to keep our streets safe and clean from all the ridiculousness that this world has to offer.  You never know when they might show up in a neighborhood near you and bust someone you love.  So please, be on your best behavior… and don’t do anything too cool.

The School of Too Cool is back in session and some of you have important lessons to learn… 

1.  Big freakin Spoilers. You’ve all pulled up next to one of them at some point.  You’ve been blinded by the light of their rims.  You’ve watched them peel off in their Pontiac Sunfire like they actually have something important waiting for them on the other side of that stoplight.  I’m not going to ask the ever-obvious question  “who in the H do you think you are?”  But seriously?  And it’s not only bad enough that you have something so insanely unexcusable attached to your trunk, but it’s attached to a Sunfire. 



Sentence:  You are charged with never-ending acts of disturbing the peace of drivers-by. You are also charged with obstructing the view of birds and small planes. You will be forced to forfeit your license until you reach retirement age and purchase a spoiler-less caddy or towncar.

2. Chinese tatoos.  Sorry, maybe you didn’t get the memo… but not only was the world SO over these before they began, but they are also incredibly too cool!  If you don’t speak Chinese, and neither do any of us – then your tatoo is utterly pointless.  Perhaps you are seeking the attention that it brings when we are forced to ask you, “oh wow, what do all those scratch marks mean?”  and you say something like, “it says the power of the mind overcomes the power of the body”  or some crap like that.

Sentence: You will be serving a 1 year sentence in a Chinese prison.  That way perhaps you can actually learn the language that you have graffitied all over yourself.  After you get scorned continuously for actually having something on your arm that has nothing to do with peace or power, but rather the fact that you are an ugly bald guy with man boobs, you may return home via paddleboat.


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