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Posts Tagged ‘celebrities’

I do apologize for the turn to Serioustown last week.  It’s a rare occurrence here at The Daily Elephant that I will engage in such serious talk, however, when I feel that the country is standing on the brink of a rather detrimental decision – I have to step in.   But lets get back to what’s really important.

 

Important lessons learned from the life of OJ:

 

  1. You may slice and dice your wife in a fit of vicious rage, leave bloody evidence all over, and the judicial system will turn a blind eye.  Because hey, jealously happens.
  2.  You may also kill your wife’s lover during said vicious rage.  Again, because why wouldn’t you?
  3. Time to get in touch with your artsy side!  After the frenzy regarding these murders has finally passed, and the spotlight of interrogation is no longer over you, be sure to rub it in everyone’s face that you feel no remorse about what you’ve done.  I suggest perhaps writing a book describing in gruesome detail how you would have “actually killed them.”  That’ll fool em.
  4. When the attention dies down from the book release – which might just infuriate people as opposed to prove your innocence- it will be time to commit another crime! 
  5. Commit several scattered crimes of armed robbery, theft, and aggravated battery – just to change it up a bit- altering styles, locations, and alibis.  There’s nothing worse than being a predictable criminal.
  6. After getting away with all of this, I suggest spending the majority of your golden years in this same manner, because hey, you only live once.

 

Please note: It is very important during all of this, that you don’t get discouraged!!!  Just because you really want to go to prison and things aren’t quite working out the way you planned, it doesn’t mean that your dreams won’t come true someday. 

 

In the words of Churchill:  “Never, ever, give up.” 

 

And look where he is now.

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1. Angelina Jolie: “Most Giving-of-Herself [but not really]-Mom of the Year” Winner!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Angelina?  Not only does she have the uncanny ability to woo scorchingly hot men from their equally attractive wives and make it look like an accident, she has Jon Voight as a dad.  She also possesses lips that have secret powers, which have enabled her to save malnutritioned children from all over the world and bring them into an environment of lavishness and priviledge.  Nevermind the fact that she has five nannies to take care of the clan, this is a hands-on mom!  Angelina’s act of selflessness, will no doubt turn each and every one of their innocent, adorable, and once appreciative children into self-indulgent, whiney brats in record time!

2. Victoria Beckam: “Most Vain Person to Gloat in Her Not-So-Impressive Past!” Winner!

Victoria Beckam, is half-famous for marrying the ever-so-hot-and-athletically-delicious David Beckam, and half-famous for being a part of the 90’s two-hit wonder girly band “Spice Girls.”  But why, oh why should you idolize her?  Because there is no one else who could possess such unabashed pride about being formerly called “The Posh Spice.” Because it is not possible for any other women, domestic or abroad, to love herself more than her.  And finally, because she is the only “soccer mom” who can squeeze into preschool girl size clothing with such slutty, yet graceful ease.

3.  Sean -“P.Diddy” -“Puff Daddy” -“Puffy” -“Diddy” -Combs:  “Most Schitzophrenic, Yet Entirely Focused on Infiltrating Every Aspect of Life Artist” Winner!

There is not one solitary celebrity who has edged his way into our lives more than Puffy.  It started out as an innocent tribute to the Notorious B.I.G in the form of a remake of “I’ll be Missing You.”  We all loved it.  We rewound the single over and over on our cassette players and jammed to Diddy’s sentimental, catchy tunes.  If only we knew then, what we know now.  After a failed relationship with J.Lo, Puffy made the life-changing decision that if he couldn’t have her, then no one could he would take over the world.  Slowly, the Sean has slithered so far into our lives that we will never escape him, so we may as well idolize him.  There’s music, a clothing line, a vodka, a plethora of fragrances, a reality show, boxers, WHEEL RIMS, skin care, ties, sunglasses.  … my mom even bought a P.Diddy minivan the other day?!

 

 

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ATTENTION BIG BROTHER FANS!!  Not only have I been an avid Big Brother watcher and addict all these years. ..  but I am pleased to announce that I will be writing daily recaps of the 24/7 feeds and Showtime episodes so if you’re dying to know all the sneaky behind the scenes spoiler type stuff then come visit Realitytvmag.com. If you don’t watch this show, you should.  If you do watch it, then good.  And either way, you need to come read about it. 

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So for any of you complete losers out there, tonight was a big night in the way of reality TV.  In a three-hour drama fest, The Bachelorette choses Jesse over Jason to be her fiance in one of the most shocking rose ceremonies to date.  Although every rose ceremony is the most shocking to date, this one really was.  

Even if you have no clue what i’m talking about, you can appreciate the story thats about to come. 

Its 8:45.  the Bachelorette had just told the first guy ( as he was getting down on one knee) “too bad so sad,” and then it was all a startling blur and somehow i was watching a burger king commercial -which was equally as intriguing to me.  i noticed 5 missed calls from my mom.  This was strange since we’d already talked today.  I got seriously worried thinking i must have a close relative lying in a ditch, dark alley, or jail cell somewhere.  

I call her and the following conversation takes place (my mom’s statements are in CAPS to emphasize the freaking out):

me: “I saw you called me 5 times, whats wrong?”

mom: “I’M ABOUT TO HAVE A SERIOUS CORONARY, YOU HAVE NO IDEA”

me: “what happened?”

mom: “IS YOUR POWER OUT?  MY POWER IS OUT.  THE LAST THING I SAW WAS WHEN SHE BROUGHT THE GUYS HOME TO MEET HER PARENTS.  I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT IS HAPPENING.  ARE YOU TAPING IT?”

me: “i’m watching it.  why would i be taping it?”

mom: “YOU AREN’T TAPING IT?  WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?  I’VE BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW FOR 6 WEEKS AND ON THE FINALE MY POWER GOES OUT.  AND WE HAVE A HAIL STORM.  AND NOW I’M HAVING HOT FLASHES CUZ THE AIR IS OFF.”

me: “well, you didn’t miss that much.  she rejected jason.”

mom: “SHE WHAT?!?!”

me: “yea.  i was pretty surprised.  so now she’s gotta talk to the other guy.”

mom: “ARE YOU SERIOUS?  I THOUGHT FOR SURE SHE WAS PICKING JASON?  OH MY GOOOOOOSH. WELL, WHAT CAN I DO?  CAN YOU TURN IT UP SO I CAN HEAR IT?”

me: “um, i guess i could.  i don’t know if you can hear it through a cell phone.  maybe i’ll put it on speaker.”

[standing the phone up on my desk and facing it toward the tv…. meanwhile, my boyfriend sitting in the corner gets confirmation that i have the most ridiculous family to ever exist.]

me: “can you hear it ok?”

mom: “YEA.  YEA. I CAN. OK.  BE QUIET NOW.”

[she picks jesse, he purposes, the show ends…]

me: “ok, well, at least you heard that part”

mom: “OH MAN.  I AM SO MAD YOU CAN’T IMAGINE.  MY HEAD IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE. ITS GOING TO LITERALLY EXPLODE.”

me: ” WAIT A MINUTE…it looks like it’s on for another hour!  its the After the Rose Ceremony.   she’s gonna confront the guy she dumped, reunite with her fiance, and make a special announcement!”

mom: “@%$#@^@!!”

me: “OK OK. SERIOUSLY.   i don’t have time for this.  i’ll tape it. bye.”

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9 Reasons to Despise Neil Diamond – if you don’t already

 

1.  bigest, bushiest, salt -and -peppery sideburns of all time.  that goes without saying.

2.  he contaminates 4th of July (which is almost my favorite holiday.  almost).

 I cannot celebrate this day without someone cranking their boom box with “Comin to America” during the sky show. (in which case, i take bigger issue with whomever coordinates the sky show to begin with.)

 

3. as a young lad, he sang in the choir with the female version of himself,  barbara striesand

 

4. he’s a pervert.  Not only did he sign with Bang Records, but he made a song that contains the words, “girl, you’ll be a woman soon… and soon i’ll be your man.”   well gee neil, lets try and  wait for the poor girl to stop running from the boys because they have “cooties” before attempting anything that could get you 3-5.

 

 

 

5. gravely voice. beaty eyes.

 

 6. songs like “cracklin’ rosie,”  really?  cracklin oat-bran?  cracklin fire? … or perhaps you meant to say cracklin whip?   cus you’re a pervert?

 

 

7.  as you can see, his breeds abnormal fans

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. clearly, he has an anger management problem – possibly suffers from permanent insanity or syphilis

 

 9.  he is a constant embarrassment to society, and a mockery is to be made of him. only then, might he stop.

 

“I’m a Believer” in that!

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Tatum, Tatum, Tatum… 

Who the heck are you anyway? 

 

Actress Tatum O’Neil, who has suffered a life long battle with drug and alcohol addictions,  was arrested for possessing crack and cocaine.  When arrested, she rotated between the following three -very believable- responses:

 

  1.    1.  I’m researching a part.

 

  1.    2.  I’m depressed after recently having
  2.          to “let my dog go to heaven.”

  1.    3.  You know who I am, right?

 

However, after being released from jail, she thanked the cops for saving her from what would have been the end of a two year sober streak.

 

Well doesn’t that just make you smile on the inside. Hollywood has a happy ending.  I think I just saw a double rainbow.  

 

Hey Tatum, next time you encounter a giant flashlight shining in your eyes, here’s some suggestions that will save some time in the interrogation room:

 

  1. I wanted them and I bought them
  2. You betta believe I would have snorted all this crap if you hadn’t of busted in here just now
  3. Before you take me away, do you mind if i just call Robert Downey, JR real quick and let him know the jig is up.  there’s no point in having him drive all the way across town with gas prices through the roof.

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 ok world, brace yourself. 

Claymates- my apologies.  I’m sure you’ve already taken this story and ran with it like an outta shape asthmatic kid chasing after an ice cream cart – so i apologize for being a little late in getting the news.  

 I don’t know if any of you remember this dorky young sapling, who was but merely an American idol auditionee once upon a time… but uh, he went on to become ungodly famous and serenade us with various a sentimental tune.  he also somehow managed to be turned into somewhat of a sex symbol (see exibit b).

And if you didn’t know that, then i’m sure you don’t know this.  Since the inception of Clay Aiken’s career, there has been much speculation about Clay’s heterosexuality – or lack thereof.  Every interview in which he has been asked the “gay” question, he simply responded with something such as “this is my private life, people can say whatever they want.”   Ok.  Sure.  That’s fair.  But come on!  Throw us a bone Clay!  All the little girlies wanna know is if they stand a chance or not! They’re aiken for an answer!  Blessed Respite! 

 

 

Well as it turns out, Clay Aiken is having a baby!! 

 

more importantly, with a woman! 

finally the Heavens have shone down upon us and revealed an answer. 

 

Not.  so.  fast. 

 

1. The woman is his roommate.

2. And she’s forty-ish. 

3. And she’s being artificially inseminated. 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                          

What the ?  well.  i guess that solved nothing.  and as for all the girlies out there…

 the jury is still out.  

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