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Posts Tagged ‘family’

One of my goals for 2009 was to “stop fabricating the truth”  so that means that what you are about to witness is actually forreal.

Again, I am sorry for the GIANT space between blogs here… all good things come to those who wait.  Or have money.  Whichever.  So, those of you who know my parents will understand that this blog is absolutely true.  Those of you who don’t know my parents, might now understand how I became the freak that I am today.   My family is hilarious.  We’re like the token Italian family they always showcase in movies, who talk over eachother and have 8 different conversations happening at once.  Except, my mom isn’t even Italian.  And I don’t have 7 siblings named after famous Italian statues.

parentsFirst, there’s a couple of things you must know about my parents to fully appreciate this story.  My dad is quite possibly the funniest person alive – to everyone except my mother, who never gets any of his jokes.   On the other hand, no one on earth ever laughs at my mother’s jokes, except my mother, because they are just horrendous.   My dad and I often challenge each other to see who can ignore her jokes the best, because if we give her even the slightest bit of encouragement she will keep repeating them. over. and. over.   In a nutshell, they are on completely different wavelengths.  In fact, the only thing they might have in common is their confusion over anything related to pop culture.

We’re watching American Idol, some nerdy kid sings, and my mom loves it.

mom: you know who he reminds me of?  that kid on King of the Lords.

me:  what?

dad:  King of the Lords?!?  you mean, Ring of the Lords?

mom:  oh, IM SORRY.  that’s right, I meant Ring of the Lords.

me:  no. no.  it’s Lord of the Rings.

clay-aiken-people-covermom:  well, I like him.  he reminded me of Clay Aiken.

me:  I guess.  I like Clay Aiken.  Can’t believe he had a kid.

mom:  a kid????   he got married?

me: not exactly.  he artifically inseminated his 40 yr old roommate and then he came out of the closet.

mom:  WHAT?!?!  since when?

me:  like, a year ago?

dad:  [randomnly changing the subject]  you know, if you need get those pictures off my camera I’ve got a SUB cord and you can hook it up.

me:  SUB?  what?  It’s not a car we’re talking about here.  you mean a USB cord?

dad:  Oh gosh, I’m sorry.  I  don’t know what’s wrong with me tonight.  Sometimes I transpose my numbers.

me: …… sigh… you mean letters?   [going to grab some paper so I can write all of this down]

nathaniel-marshall-american-idol[Nathaniel, the annoying emo kid sings…]

mom:  he looks like he has a booger in his nose.

me:  it’s a nose ring.

mom:  so tell me more about this Clay Adkins?

me:  it’s AIKEN. 

mom:  so does he have a boyfriend then?

dad:  well that’s usually how it goes.

[then Jose, the Puerto Rican sings his song and gets emotional afterwards]

dad:  [all annoyed]  well you know he’ll make it now

me:  cus he cried?

American Idoldad:  of course.  but you know who I liked was that little brunette.  She was the best one with the best voice that messed up the worst.

[meanwhile, “‘Lil Rounds” (which is where I got my inspiration for ‘Lil Phant)  sings her R&B song….]

mom:  well that was just terrible.  She’d of been better off singing Mary Had A Little Lamb than that crap.  it was like black on a chalkboard.

dad:  well that’s cus you just don’t get it.  That girl’s gotta lot of class.

me:  you said black on a chalkboard.

 

this blog has officially moved to: www.bluntdelivery.com

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The problem with me is I had a great childhood. 

42-16732704

 

This is a bittersweet  fact of my life, as now I have nothing to blame my issues on.  My mom wasn’t a career obsessed, impossible to please crazypants, who tried to force me into childhood beauty pageants and acting classes so that she could live out her dreams.  She was actually a stay at home mom, who had cookies and a plate of assorted cheeses waiting for me every day after school.

 

 

 

 42-18497083My dad wasn’t in the slammer after various robbery attempts, therefore prompting me to search for love in all the inappropriate places because I suffered from daddy abandonment issues.   Instead, he sat through the intolerable rehashing of my entire school day each night after dinner, when I would give him a plethora of “homework assignments” to be handed in the next night. 

But can I just say that it’s pretty sad when you can’t pass a spelling test given to you by your 7 year old daughter.

My brother, on the other hand, he was the thorn in my rose garden of a chidhood.  He never once in all my living days:  a) talked to me, or b) let me so much as walk in the same vicinity of his Nintendo.  Although deeply scarring, I don’t feel that I can justify blaming all of my insanity upon him.   Ugh. 

By the way, Who’s the elephant?

www.wordsbybrit.com

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My entrepreneural spirit and business savvy disposition began at an extremely young age.  Younger than most. 

I remember waking up at 5 am., walking over to my neighbor’s  house, and telling him that he needed to get his butt in gear and come help me make the cranberry juice.  (neither of our moms ever had lemonade, so we had to improvise)   I didn’t even realize at the time that I was not only providing a cool and inexpensive beverage on a scorching day, but also a lifetime of antioxidants and healthy bladders.  Don’t feel bad as you start to think back on your own childhood.  It’s not your fault.  I was just so much more advanced than you were.  I think it had something to do with my mom not sending me to kindergarten.

lemonade-stand

I could have just stopped with the cranberry juice, as that would have been enough for any seven year old to offer, but it wasn’t enough for me.  So we would walk out to my parents garden and gather the equivalent of a children’s farmer’s market worth of assorted foods for our customers.   And if that weren’t enough to set up on some sawhorses and an old board at the end of my parent’s driveway, I also busted out the entire candy shop that I had set up in my closet. 

 dead-end-street

 

It was always round about noon, when it would occur to me that a bunch of candy in glass canisters sitting directly in the sun was not such a good idea. 

And it was about three yrs later, when it would occur to me that my business venture would have been much more successful had I not lived on a

dead end street in the middle of the absolute nowhere.  

 By the way, Who’s the elephant?

www.wordsbybrit.com

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My living room finally makes sense again.  I woke up two days ago to find a crusty english muffin at my bedside and snow on the ground.  As soon as I discovered this, I lept to the window and spread my curtains wide open to let in all the winter wonderlandish-ness.   I was elated at this fact because not only am I in LOVE with snow, but I’ve also had my Christmas tree up since about this time last year.  It gets to the point where you’ve waited so long to take it down, that it would be more sense just to leave it up.  I find myself in that predicament about once a year.

dead-santa

Speaking of the holidays, wait, were we?  Either way, I’d like to speak of the holidays.  I am a bit of a holiday freak.  When I say “holidays”  I’m not so much referring to Thanksgiving or Halloween or Easter or Canadian boxing day, pretty much just Christmas.  In fact, the only thing that pisses me off about the “holidays” is that they end.  In a perfect world, we would all co-exist in a constant state of holiday amazingness. 

I have alot against Thanksgiving:  1. its pointless.  2. nobody thanks anyone for anything.  3.  turkeys are a hassle.  4.  it takes up an entire month of what could be Christmas decorations and fills them with ridiculous things like cornucopias and corn stalks.   That being said, I’d like to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. 

Let me tell you how I spent my Thanksgiving eve: watching my best friend give birth. … well, first let me tell you how paranoid I am of having children (I think its equal parts the committment issue and the pain issue).  Anyhow, any shred of hope I had about having a child has been effectually lost after what I witnessed yesterday.  I had a feeling this would happen, but she’s my best friend and wanted me in there for comic relief.  So I told her stories (threw in a few Kenny Chronicles) and had all the nurses cracking up.  This continued all day and into the night, until forming my new favorite phrase to live by: “adoption- the painfree option.”

no-pain

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I realize that its been more than a couple days since my fingers have graced the pearly plastics, and i have nothing to say except that i wish this thing had spell check because i am burning some serious midnight oil right now.  Anyways, I have so many stories to tell that i feel like i’m an old, accomplished writer who is piecing together her memoir -and yet,  i’m just starting out.

I was thinking that we would touch the subject of commitments and fears and all sorts of deep rooted feelings that surface on a late saturday night; however, i think i’ll just say that i’m ecstatic that my mom just called me and said “its going to rain tomorrow, so we’re not going to have the Father’s Day  pool party after all.” ( i come from a long line of procrastinators, so yes, we’re just getting around to the whole Father’s Day thing)

Anyway, I have serious problems with committment;  but, this is old news, and nothing that interests you.  However, a recent conversation between my mother and father just very well might:

so my mom and dad are watching tv in the kitchen.  i sneak into the fridge, snatch a bowl that has a single piece of leftover pie in it, and maneuver my way back to the living room, but before i make it there, i’m stopped with:

MOM: “what are you eating, my pie?”

ME: “YOUR pie? Well there’s only this one piece, what happened to the rest of it?”

DAD YELLS FROM THE CORNER: “there was a pie?! i never knew there was a pie.”

MOM: “it wasn’t a very big one, it was like, individual size.”

DAD: “I’ve never seen an individual pie.”

…..[mom glances at tv, trying to change the subject…]

MOM: “is that alice cooper? He looks like satan these days.”

 

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