First of all, I’m implementing a new rule here at The Daily Elephant. And that is that you address me by my rapper name: ‘Lil Phant. [pronounced ‘font’]
There are two planetary certainties which occur ever time I leave the comfort of my surroundings and venture out into the cold, harsh reality that is our world:
1. I will step in gum that I myself spat out merely five seconds prior.
2. I will have an awkward encounter with an astranged friend I haven’t seen since the late 90’s.
If you are one of these estranged friends, I’d like to take this moment to apologize for the abrupt conversation that just took place. Cus see, I have avoidance issues. Simply put, I wanted to avoid you, but you made it impossible by cornering me next to the tomato sauce. Then you prodded me with questions all interrogation style and it made me uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable because I am afraid to discuss my life with you, but uncomfortable in the sense that you were wasting my time. And you don’t care what I’ve been up to and I’m [hopefully] not going to see you for another decade so do we really have to do this? Yes? Aw, crap.
estranged friend: Oh hey! haven’t seen you in forever. What on earth have you been up to? Married? Kids?
me: It’s been awhile, for sure. No. No thanks on the married thing. And no illegitimate children. ..
[what I’m thinking: Well, let’s see. I went to college after avoiding it for a solid year, then ran away to Mexico for while, changed my major 6 times because I can’t commit to anything, then moved to London and travelled the world for a little bit, came back, dropped out of college to open a retail store, successfully warded off two engagements, dated a british guy who turned out to be a bajillionaire, got sick of retail store….]
me: Yea. Just same old. same old…
[still thinking: then discovered british guys like heroin, rebounded with a bipolar crazypants, stood by as all my friends got married/ knocked up/ or both, started massage therapy school for fun, dropped out of massage therapy school for fun, worked out once, got my house and my store robbed/ my purse stolen twice/ my car broken into all within a 6 month span, lost my mind, got some stories published, bought a condo..]
me: Yea. nothing to report here. You?
estranged friend: Well, Bobby and I got married after college and we’ve got little Joshy and Abigail at home. We’re expecting our third in the fall. You know, I’ve been reading your blog and I love it!
me: Oh, really? thanks
[what I’m thinking: crap…. crap… CRAP!!#$%^! what did I write about her? There had to be something. And she has to know it’s her. UGH WHY can’t I just not write offensive but truthful blogs about everyone in my past? Well, cus they provide cheap entertainment. ….Wait. Hold the phone. I don’t even talk to this girl, how does she know I have a blog? Well. In that case, it looks like we just took a turn to creeptown -so she deserves everything I said about her. In fact, I think I’ll write something about this when I get home.]
me: Alright, well, see ya in another ten years.
In conclusion, it would really help me out if anyone that I personally know would avoid reading my blog. Because see, you are what fans the flames of this blog, for without you, I would have nothing to criticize. Then, I could be free to use you as comic relief without fear of awkward reprecussions, and you could live your life blissfully unaware that you are the source of public mockery.
Today is the last day to enter my totally rad featured blog contest! To quality for this week, you must leave a comment on this post, and on each of these:
Skeezy ‘R Us
I’m just not that into him
What not to buy for Valentine’s day
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