Posts Tagged ‘men’

scenario:  man has date.  man decides to bring date to a movie in hopes of getting some make-out action.  man calls to check movie times…


man: (dials 1-800-FANDANGO)


automated FANDANGO lady: Thank you for calling 1-800-FANDANGO, now powered by Lifesearch.  (beep, beep, beep) i’m sorry, i didn’t get that.  if you’re calling from the Netherlands, please press 1, for a different location, press 2.

man: ? but wait, i didn’t even say anything yet.   (presses 2)

lady:  i’m sorry.  i still didn’t hear you.  please breathe if you are calling from the Netherlands.

man: wait, what?

lady:   thank you.  do you have a theater express code?

man:  NO.

lady:  ok.  please say the movie you are looking for in the Netherlands

man:  Spiderman.  but i’m in Orlando.

lady:  (making what sounds to be a chuckle) i’m sorry.  that movie doesn’t exist.  please say your movie again.



man:  SPI-DER-MAN!        

lady:  did you say, Knocked Up?

man:  no. no i didn’t, you stupid wench.     

lady:  ok, i got that.  to hear show times for The English Patient, please press 1.  for another movie, press 2.

man: (presses 2)

lady:  please raise your voice if you want to hear the show times for all foreign films in Seattle.

man: (interrupts) NO, WAIT! GO BACK. IT’S ORLANDO.

lady: (chuckle) i’m sorry, i didn’t get that.

man: Orlando, you crack whore.

lady:  please select an option from the menu.

man: how bout you just give me the movie times you ignorant slut.

lady:  ok, i got that.  (beep, beep)  say YES for directions to the nearest IHOP

man:  listen, you worthless ho. you may think you’re just an anonymous voice on the other end of the phone, but i will hurt you and won’t even bat an eyelash. do you understand what i’m saying?

lady:  (chuckle) i’m sorry, keresotes stopped showing silent films in 1921.

man:  alright. i’m short on time, and i’m willing to make a deal.  you give me the show times; and i in return, won’t rob you of all your joy and happiness. how bout it bastard?

lady: it is currently 14 degrees with a windchill of -2. thank you for calling FANDANGO.

man:  wait!!! don’t hang up! ok, i take back what i said. you’re not a ho. or a crack whore. or an ignorant slut.  only a worthless wench. i beg of you, please!   PLEASE!   i just need to know when Spiderman is playing.  i’ll do anything!  anythiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!!

 lady:  enjoy the hockey game. goodbye!

Read Full Post »

have you recently found yourself mid-conversation and realized that you have taken a sudden turn to Creeptown? 

Define CreepTown you say?

[Cr-eee-p  T-oun]:  1.  one who makes another’s skin crawl  2.  to act in an unbelievably awkward manner  3.  the science of being creepy   4.  one who possesses a molestache

**Well, this is the first installment of a two-part series in which we will help you determine if you are setting up camp in a Creeptown near you:


1.  the molestache. 



If we take a look at mustaches throughout the ages, we can easily see that the simple addition of facial hair can have an uncanny ability to transition any ordinary lad into a raging creep.   Do not be fooled by the Tom Selleck’s of the world and their unassuming upper lip sweaters.  It is but merely a smoke signal far off in the distance of what will soon blossom into a fullgrown creeptown.  see examples below:

can you guess who these promising young saplings are?



these young mustache-less boys appear to be completely normal at first glance.  their hopes are high.  the sky is the limit.  there’s nothing on their horizon except everything. .. and its all fun and games

until one day, when this…



                       turns into this:





a) jeffrey dahmer  b) sadaam hussein  c) charles manson  d) hitler  e) ron jeremy  f) michael jackson

so now i raise the ever obvious question… what do all these CreepTowns have in common? 

i think if you search deep inside you’ll find you knew the answer all along. 

knowlege is power.

Click here for part 2 of Anatomy of a Creeptown : Conversion vans.

Read Full Post »

disclaimer:  dialogues featured on this blog may or may not be influenced by occurrences in my daily life, and they may or may not be exaggerated.

Her:   (reaching into the fridge to grab a carton of OJ….noticing that it feels rather light)   
Why do you drink the juice when I said it was for me?

Him:   It’s just juice.  It’s for drinking.

Her:   But the point is, I said it was for me.

Him:  This is the fourth time we’ve argued about this…  what is your deal with the juice?

Her:   Well, my DEAL is that when we’re at the store, you specifically say you don’t want any juice.  I said I needed it because it has Calcium and I hate milk – that’s why I bought it.  Then you end up drinking it all and I don’t get any, when I’m the one who wanted it.  Thats my deal.

Him:  It’s been in there for a week.

Her:  Maybe I didn’t want any yet.  But now I do and you’ve almost drank it all.

Him:  Is it all gone?

Her:  It’s almost gone.

Him:  But is there some left?              

Her:  Yes.

Him:  Well have some then. 

Her: That’s not the point, the point is that why can’t you get your own juice when we’re at the store?

Him:  Honey. You’re being ridiculous.  What are you going to do when we have kids and little Jimmy drinks up all the juice?

Her:  obviously, that’s DIFFERENT.

Him:  How is that different?  So Jimmy can drink the juice and I can’t?

Her:  Well you should know better… besides, maybe Jimmy can have his own juice too.

Him: It’s so obvious you were an only child.  And the kids will not have their own juice. If Jimmy wants some juice, I’ll pour him a tall glass, and then one for myself.

Her:  We’re late for church.



Read Full Post »

disclaimer:  dialogues featured on this blog may or may not be influenced by occurrences in my daily life, and they may or may not be exaggerated.


Her:  can you please be sure to put the cap back on the toothpaste from now on, because otherwise it gets all crusty and you can’t get it out? (see exhibit A) 


Him:  umm, ok.  (obviously taking offense to this statement which was merely a request, and clearly not an accusation)  yes, but can you be sure to put it back too?

Her:  (sensing a fight on the horizon)  yea, i usually do put it on, but i’ve been noticing that you haven’t so i’m simply asking if you could.  thats all.  (walks into another room to get some food)

…la de da de da ….life is good….butterflies..unicorns…rainbows…hearts…robinhood…mr. rogers….  

(he strolls in …)

Him: ( in a quasi-joking/ quasi-serious tone)  honey, seriously, but can you  remember to put the cap back on?

Her: OBVIOUSLY, i will put the retchid cap on.  OBVIOUSLY, it bugs me.  OBVIOUSLY, i wouldn’t be asking you to do something that i have no intention of doing myself.  what would be the point of that?

Him:  i’m just saying, that i went in there several times, and it wasn’t on.

Her: PSSH, probably cus you were the last one in there and you left it off!

Him:  so you’re saying that you don’t brush your teeth these days?

Her:  (with the fire of some other-earthly dragon starting to well up inside her, she is thinking: “are you just too important to put the cap on?  are you just too burdened and overworked by the act of putting the cap on that you must, in fact, destroy any chance we had at a happy life together?”) well. for the last two weeks i’ve noticed you haven’t been putting it on, so therefore, i figured there was no point.  but then it started getting crusty and annoying, and i couldn’t take it anymore which is why i brought it up.

Him:  YES! that is my point!  you don’t always do it either.

Her: (thinking: “oh no he didn’t”)  are you serious?   this is ridiculous.  this whole thing could have been avoided if you’d of said “ok,”  but noooooooooo, you had to get all defensive and think i was accusing you when i wasn’t.   i’m not saying i NEVER leave it off, i’m just asking if you could put it on.

Him: there’s the problem right there.  you are saying my feelings are invalid

Her:  please. you watch too much Dr. Phil.


…the moral of the story? 



Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts