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Posts Tagged ‘movies’

So if there’s one thing that might force me to relinquish all respect for my mother, it would be that she loves Neil Diamond.   And black licorice.   Both, unforgivable offences.  If you didn’t know, Neil made a guest appearance on tonight’s Grammies.  I wasn’t warned of this, obviously.   This  gave me no choice but to switch to Bravo, where they were playing The Real Housewives of Orange County rerun-marathon that I now have memorized, which gave me no choice but to mute it and write this blog.

he_s_just_not_that_into_you_movie_image_jennifer_connelly__jennifer_anistonI went and saw the movieHe’s Just Not That Into You on Friday.  I have been living in anxious anticipation of this movie since I first picked up the book – one of three that I’ve actually read in my life.  While I was watching it, I couldn’t help but reminisce on all of the unfortunate male mishaps I’ve had in my life, which there is not enough available space left on the internet to fully chronicle.    

Guys:  this post is for your benefit.  Just know if you do any of these things, no girl will ever be that into you.

1.  White-tiger-internet-guy.   Okay, so, remember when you were much younger and much stupider, and you and your friends put your profile on a dating site for the heck of it?  And then out of nowhere some guy actually contacted you and wanted to meet forreal?  And then you were super freaked out, but didn’t know how to turn him down?  Oh, just me.  Well, as the stars would have it, a charming young man would invite me to coffee.  In the course of casual emailing, I had mentioned that I always wanted a pet white tiger.  That may not be something that usually ever  comes up in your casual conversations, but it would if you were talking to me.  So I arrive, at a well-lit, public place (I was stupid, but cautious)  and waddya know the moment I sit down, he hands over a stuffed white tiger.  Okay.

dont. ever. do. that.

You better believe that one of my family members had a life-threatening emergency about 10 mins after he handed over the animal.

2. Underware-model-Wrigley-field-guy.  I’m sure there’s alot of people who may over look certain flaws or potential sources of conflict in a relationship if the person is strikingly gorgeous or from a famous family.  This would be underware model wrigley field guy.  Indeed, nice to look at.  Indeed, of noble blood.  But let’s just make something drastically clear: if you check your reflection in a car window or talk about water weight on a regular basis – we’re just not going to last.  An instant snapshot of our granola and jogging filled future popped into the forefront of my mind, and it was over.

3.   Italian-gold-chain-guy.   I love Italians.  But as soon as they leave Italy, something just goes haywire.  I myself, am Italian – but not that Italian.   Orazio was his name.  Orazio was one of the sweetest people on earth.  He had a good job, and was to inherit his dad’s uber successful business.  He opened doors, pulled out chairs, held the umbrella…all that good, but uneccessary stuff.  But this poor guy was just too Italian.  He wore a gold chain.  And as soon as my eyes caught the first gleam of that blinding light, it was the beginning of the end.

This is a pretty funny video entitled:  “10 chick flick cliches that aren’t in He’s Just Not That Into You”

Want more blog traffic?  Let me feature your blog

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Okay, campers.  Rise and shine and don’t forget your booties cus it’s coooooooold out there.”

groundhog-day-movie-bill-murray

While watching one of my favorite movies of all time – Groundhog Day [starring my boyfriend Bill Murray], I felt a calling upon my life.  If you haven’t seen the movie, I suggest you do that and then come back here to read the piece of wisdom which I have extracted from it.

If anyone’s life is like groundhog day, it’s totally mine.  I do the same thing every day.  Every freakin day.  I roll out of bed and sit down at my computer, oftentimes,  without even getting so much as a sip of water or a box of ice cream.   Many times, I do not even have to get out of bed because  I simply grab my laptop off my nightstand and start my day.  

bill-murray-groundhog-dayMy blog is also in a rut.  A rut of awesomeness.   Just kidding.  My readership is actually growing at an increasingly fast rate, which excites me, yes.  Thank you to all you people who find comic relief at my expense.  I’ve noticed something though.  I have quite a few blog stalkers.  Yes, stalkers.  You people who lurke around but leave no trace of your presence. 

This brings me to my next point.  There are quite a few of you out there who have some good blogs and/or websites.  So good, in fact, that I would like to tell the world about them.   Alot of you have asked about advertising, but since I’m not going to do any advertising until I switch to a website, I am going to do one featured blog or website every FridayWhat does that mean for you?  More readers, more exposure, and the recommendation of a widely respected Elephant.  I have the uncanny ability to persuade people that said item [insert: blog, movie, dairy product] will change their life.

How do I qualify to be the featured blog?  

Well, I’m going to lay out the complete details in my next blog.  But basically, I’m not gonna make it hard on you.  If you want to be considered for featured blogger or website, you must leave a comment on each post that week.  I will randomnly choose one from all who qualify.   Obviously. I can only choose one per week, so keep trying and eventually you’ll get your turn.   Leaving comments is basically like entering the contest, but if you didn’t know, leaving comments actually boosts your search engine rankings.  Yes, it is true my children.  The more you leave links to your blog the more clout your blog gets in google’s eyes.   So be ye not lazy. [if you don’t have a webite, but have something else you would like me to promote then that is fine]

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fools-gold-movie-poster1BREAKING NEWS:  2009 Oscar Nominations have been released. 

I was really, I mean REALLY shocked that Fool’s Gold didn’t get an Oscar nod  (or at least a handshake) for best picture.  The sheer realism alone of that movie was something to behold.  The cinematography, the writing… just everything.   And in a twist of romantic comedy fate, Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey were reunited in yet another seat-of-your-pants thriller that involves a divorced couple searching for hidden treasure.  

And if you think you can guess the ending to this movie, you are sorely mistaken.  This is no Vanilla Sky. 

If you haven’t seen it yet, then I urge you to run – not walk – to your local movie rental store where it’s on clearance, loitering somewhere near the bottom shelf, next to the Milk Duds and ungoldly overpriced tubs of microwave popcorn. 

When you can finally get over the shocking disappointment of this breaking news, you can see the full list of 2009 Oscar nominees  by going here.

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scenario:  man has date.  man decides to bring date to a movie in hopes of getting some make-out action.  man calls to check movie times…

                                

man: (dials 1-800-FANDANGO)

(rings….rings….rings…)

automated FANDANGO lady: Thank you for calling 1-800-FANDANGO, now powered by Lifesearch.  (beep, beep, beep) i’m sorry, i didn’t get that.  if you’re calling from the Netherlands, please press 1, for a different location, press 2.

man: ? but wait, i didn’t even say anything yet.   (presses 2)

lady:  i’m sorry.  i still didn’t hear you.  please breathe if you are calling from the Netherlands.

man: wait, what?

lady:   thank you.  do you have a theater express code?

man:  NO.

lady:  ok.  please say the movie you are looking for in the Netherlands

man:  Spiderman.  but i’m in Orlando.

lady:  (making what sounds to be a chuckle) i’m sorry.  that movie doesn’t exist.  please say your movie again.

man: SPIDERMAN!

(beep…beep…beep)        

man:  SPI-DER-MAN!        

lady:  did you say, Knocked Up?

man:  no. no i didn’t, you stupid wench.     

lady:  ok, i got that.  to hear show times for The English Patient, please press 1.  for another movie, press 2.

man: (presses 2)

lady:  please raise your voice if you want to hear the show times for all foreign films in Seattle.

man: (interrupts) NO, WAIT! GO BACK. IT’S ORLANDO.

lady: (chuckle) i’m sorry, i didn’t get that.

man: Orlando, you crack whore.

lady:  please select an option from the menu.

man: how bout you just give me the movie times you ignorant slut.

lady:  ok, i got that.  (beep, beep)  say YES for directions to the nearest IHOP

man:  listen, you worthless ho. you may think you’re just an anonymous voice on the other end of the phone, but i will hurt you and won’t even bat an eyelash. do you understand what i’m saying?

lady:  (chuckle) i’m sorry, keresotes stopped showing silent films in 1921.

man:  alright. i’m short on time, and i’m willing to make a deal.  you give me the show times; and i in return, won’t rob you of all your joy and happiness. how bout it bastard?

lady: it is currently 14 degrees with a windchill of -2. thank you for calling FANDANGO.

man:  wait!!! don’t hang up! ok, i take back what i said. you’re not a ho. or a crack whore. or an ignorant slut.  only a worthless wench. i beg of you, please!   PLEASE!   i just need to know when Spiderman is playing.  i’ll do anything!  anythiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!!

 lady:  enjoy the hockey game. goodbye!

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