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Posts Tagged ‘news’

Well, it’s one month shy of my first post here at The Daily Elephant.   I would like to say a big thank you to all of you out there who actually take time out of your extremely busy lives [or so you say..] to read about my ridiculous life.  It has been my pleasure to get to know you all.  As much as I’ve loved my big, oversized, wrinkly elephant skin, – I need some space to breathe.  You know how I get restless.

The time has come to announce my new website, and I thank you for your patience.  Oh wait, you were a bunch of crazy LUNATICS continually griping in my ear everyday. 

I want you to know that in this era of social networking, twittering, and myspacing that YOU are the first ones to know about this wonderous new development.  And let me tell you something, you better come visit me cus that blog is nekkid!!!  And no,  it’s not the kind of nekkid you’d be excited about.   I spend countless hours copying some of my favorite blogs onto the new website so it wouldn’t be empty and now there are ZERO comments.  It’s as if I have the most hated blog on the planet.  Boo hoo.  First one to comment wins… uh… my heart

We all know that I’m challenged when it comes to things like choosing names, significant others, or things from the dollar menu.  So you can IMAGINE the heartache I suffered over the name of my new website.  Afterall, I’m pretty hard to please and I’d like to be happy with this for more than a year.  So I thought long and hard about the general nature of my blogs and conversations with friends.  And one thing kept coming to mind- I’m very direct.  And I like it that way.  And I like others to be that way with me.   So I present to you my new website, designed by yours truly:

blunt-delivery-2

***FAVOR:  All of you that have The Daily Elephant listed on your blog roll, could you pretty pretty please change that to bluntdelivery.com???  I will love you forever.

And just for that, I have some fabulous new blogs for you right at the top of the pile, including: 

A Post-it Would Have Been Better

Middle School Misfortune

Nitemare on Ex Street

I Dated A Slumdog Millionaire

Not to mention that there is now a picture up of Kenny and I from the actual night in question from my post The Kenny Chronicles: How We Met

BOO-YA!  Told you I’d have it up by today.  There’s all sorts of new things for you to feast your eyes on, so you’ll have to look through the categories.  I am also introducing THE SKINNY, which is where I’ll be telling you the deal about products, websites, and things that will either revolutionize or destroy your life.

See ya around kids.

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alfie-patten-and-chantelle-baby-moiseTHIS BLOG HAS MOVED TO www.bluntdelivery.com

HOLD. THE. PHONE. I usually don’t report news, but I have no choice but to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you quite possibly the most disturbing, yet hilarious news you’ve heard all year.  I’d like you to meet Alfie Patten, a strapping young 13 yr. old British lad and his new baby, Maisie.  Alfie stands 4 ft tall, and when asked how he and his girlfriend would afford the baby he told The Sun, “I thought it would be good to have a baby.  We didn’t really think about how we would afford it.  I don’t really get pocket money (allowance).  My dad sometimes gives me ten bucks.”

Alfie’s dad, who sold these pictures to The Sun, says that “Alfie could have shrugged his shoulders and sat at home on his Playstation, but he’s been at the hospital every day.”   Well, sounds like he’s shaping up to become dad of the year! The baby is living with Chantelle, Alfie’s 15 yr. old girlfriend (he’s quite the ladies man) and her family of six, currently being supported by the government.  BONUS:  Alfie is allowed to “stay the night.”

Check the full article for pictures of Alfie and his girlfriend, or if you don’t believe me.  Because I almost didn’t.

Photo courtesy of  thesun.co.uk

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Aretha Franklin definately commanded some respect for her hat and for her performance of the national anthem at the Presidential Inauguration. 

 

aretha-franklins-hat-inauguration

 

Unfortunately, it commanded so much respect that Obama had to bring some of the attention back on himself.

 aretha-franklins-hat-inauguration-obama2

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barack-obama-inaugurationToday, when they announced the President-elect, they opted out of saying his middle name.  Instead they said Barack “H” Obama.  Now, come on, what is so bad about Hussein?    It’s not like it has a bad conotation.

Seriously though, on this very historical Presidential Inauguration, I want to say thank you President Bush, and I wish you all the best President Obama.  Oh, and I’m especially siked today because my cell phone plan renews, and wow, I was getting close to going over.

 

 

 

 

 

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I’m not pointing dirty fingers here.  I’m smack dab in the middle of the park.  I might even be the Queen of the park.  For many years, I’ve tried to convince myself why I should stay here.  And I’ve often lost.  No mountains, no oceans, nothing but miles and miles of corrupted cornfields. 

Rod Capone Blagojevich
Rod Capone Blagojevich

The only thing I can come up with -other than really cheap housing costs – is that it’s the perfect place for an anemophobiac (one who fears natural diasters)  because nothing ever happens here.  It’s almost as if Illinois has scared natural diasters away with it’s white trashiness and corruption.  It’s pretty sad when you can scare away a natural diaster. 

Really, as Illinoians, we have nothing else going for ourselves. We unashamedly claim to have one of the most corrupt states in the Union, and quite possibly the dumbest. We elected a governor like Rod Capone Blagojevich, who while staring the cold, harsh reality of a lifetime in the slammer and a boyfriend named Chuck straight in the eyes, concerns himself with trying to appoint people to the Senate. What’s worse is that it might even work. Our educational system is so piss-poor that drop-out statistics don’t even apply to us because people are actually better off enrolling in the school of life than they are in one of our public schools. The unions are the new mob and have taken over every aspect of the state. You can’t sneeze without signing a waiver that you will blindly vote every Democrat into office for the rest of your meager existence, which will probably be a long time considering you can rule out natural diasters as a possible death option..

Oh, but we do have Oprah. I almost forgot about that. And lots of gangs.

 

 *photoshoping compliments of the Elephant, of course. By the way, Who’s the Elephant?

www.wordsbybrit.com

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Ladies and Gentlemen,

If I could please turn your attention toward the stage as we are joined by the specialest of special guests tonight: Nostradamus.  I am aware that many of you feel concerned about the future in these times of uncertainty, thus, I have invited him to come and ease your minds with his wealth of prophetic knowledge. 

nostradamus

Nostradamus predictions for 2009:

1. The US government will realize it was a ludacris assumption that they can save every species of obscure Arctic creature and drill for oil.  Consequently, they will relinquish their struggle with the middle east and throw themselves at their mercy once and for all.   Convinced that no amount of national security and financial independence is worth sacrificing  a clear conscience (or an animal), all government officials will sleep soundly.

jonas-brothers-skinny-jeans2.  The Jonas Brothers, having finally lost their longstanding fight against puberty, will awake to find they no longer fit into their skinny jeans.   Feeling confused and displaced,  they will retreat and seek solice in Hanson, the brotherly singing trio who had so courageously gone before them.

3.  NASA will spend millions to develop groundbreaking technology, which will allow people to scam the welfare system in a more discrete and successful manner and quite possibly allow other countries to locate every secret weapon system that we have.

4.  People will come out in droves to celebrate the historical inauguation of Barack Obama.  Oprah will celebrate by sporting a new hair weave and kick- starting a brand new diet plan that incorporates breakfast smoothies and lard sandwiches.

miley-cyrus-vanity-fair5.  Miley Sirus will again be “accidentally revealing”  during a photo shoot, which will result in Disney finally giving her the axe.  Then she will ball her achy-breaky eyes out and start the inevitable downward spiral of her once promising childhood career.

6.  Nick Lachey will come up with yet another completely horrible way to cash in on any remaining fans that he might possibly be able to muster up.  An endeavor that will fail miserably.

7. GM and Ford will finally receive the bailout of their dreams.  After billions have been spent to keep everyone employed, the world will realize their cars still suck and they will go under anyway.  This will further push China into world domination.

 

 My dear friends, I hope these insights will bring you much peace of mind and happiness in the New Year.  For I would not have thought it so important to come back from the dead unless we were at this truly critical point in history.

Profetically Yours,

Nostradamus

www.wordsbybrit.com

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Dear Women,

I’ve been noticing in the past week that quite a few of you appear to be on the prowl for the right guy, as the searches to get to my site have tripled for keyword “prince charming.”  First of all, get over it already.  Secondly,  if you wanna hear my take on it, here it is.  Enjoy!

Well, wedding season is upon us, and since i must keep up with my usual ritual of being in at least 4 weddings this summer, that means i’ll be quite busy.  tonight is one of those nights.  So alas, I shall leave you with a tidbit to nibble on, until i return.

 I’m sure all of you are thinking to yourselves, “man, no tornadoes, no earthquakes, no hurricanes…i wonder what’s been going on out east lately?”

 

1. Today, a roasted chicken stuffed with a pipe bomb was found on the side of the road in Connecticut.

 

 

2.  Last friday, a Pennsylvania man called 911 from a porta -potty that he got himself stuck inside of, drunk and nekkid.   

 

 

 

3. This afternoon, someone reported a school bus travelling erratically down the road.  After the bus was pulled over, the driver was found to be a young man who had heroine, knives, and large sums of cash.  He reportedly told police that his friend had gotten arrested and left him without a ride, so he had to steal the bus to get home.

 

 

 

 what’s up New England? 

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First of all, take it down a notch.  Now since there are still about 5,000 of you calling me each and everyday at the bank asking where your stimulus check is, I’m here to explain just a few things. I know it is completely out of the ordinary for me to write something useful, so readers, bare with me – it won’t last long.

  1. 1. Direct deposit. You will only be getting a direct deposit of your stimulus check if you received your original tax refund electronically.  However-

 

  1. 2. an exception to the direct deposit rule is if you had a third party prepare your taxes [i.e. HR Block, TurboTax]  and you had them take their payment out of your tax refund.  If this is the case, you will receive a paper check in the mail regardless.

 3. If you are getting direct deposit, you do not need to call your bank everyday and check on it – you will be notified via snail mail that it has been deposited into your account. Sorry!  Shoulda paid the man upfront.

 

4. As many of you know, the payment is being dispersed according to the last two digits of your social. You can see the government stimulus payment schedule at the IRS  website, which you are more than capable of viewing since you’re reading this.  However, there are delays, so if you are more than two weeks behind schedule, I would call the IRS.  Once again, your bank knows nothing.  So please, we have far too many $0.10 discrepancies to resolve for little old ladies who call us inbetween their regularly scheduled game shows.

Please refer to the first installment of “Did I get My Stimulation Yet?” to assess my real feelings on this matter.

Now, chill the heck out. 

You can wait a couple more days to get that WWF tatoo.

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I don’t know about you, but if i were planning a robbery or felony of any sort – the first thing on the “to do” list would be:

 

1.  try not to let the people know who i am.

Some alarming news comes from Arvada, Colorado today.  Apparently, a couple of twenty-something robbers deemed “the thong bandits,” were finally brought to justice.  The two men had been using blue and green women’s thongs to cover their faces whilst robbing several local convenience stores and then stashing the cash in a pink backpack. Way to go Colorado police, this was a tough case to crack!

 

 Another day, another dollar, another poorly used thong.

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Well Iowa broke some news today …in the way of asparagus picking.

 

 This is what we know. 

 

Apparently, a guy was driving along a highway with his two year old son and five year old niece.  As he’s driving along without a care in the world, he takes notice of the way the wheat fields are swaying in the breeze,  how the grassy knolls appear untouched by man – and all the world seemed at peace.  Until that moment.  That moment when the clouds broke and a single ray of light shone down, upon a patch of wild asparagus.  He slammed on his breaks almost causing a forty car pile up, pulled over and parked the car.                        Because how could he not. 

   

 

By the time the police arrived, the man had wandered a half mile down the road, abandoning his crying niece (a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do).  After questioning the man as to why he had left the children in the car, he explained that he had no choice, if he wanted the asparagus, that is.  However, the man was found to have no identifiable asparagus on his person. 

 

 

But they did find some weed and a plethora of drugs in the backseat.

 

And the wild asparagus fields of Iowa are left yet again to suffer another five thousand years of no one caring that they even exist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“sir, hand over the asparagus right now!”

 

“i don’t have anything, i swear.”

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Apparently, America has officially decided that this isn’t such a good idea, and Barack Obama has finally snagged the Democratic nomination.    

:::yawn:::   

 ::::crickets::::   

::::zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz::::

 

 

 talk about a blindside.  

Although everyone seems to be basking in the afterglow of this revelation, I think we are turning a blind eye to the real issue in our midst.  could there be a little hanky panky going on behind the scenes?  could these vicious attacks on one another be nothing more than pent up sexual tension on the rise?  could they be none other than two star-crossed senators in this great big, cruel and loveless political race?

 i don’t strive to break news, it just happens.

“if you come any closer Senator, I can’t promise that i will control my urges.”

 

MEMO: Now Barack, if you could just work on expanding your vocabulary to include words other than “change…” that would be awesome. thanks.

for more news on the Obama saga, check out “Obama Quits Church?”

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Tatum, Tatum, Tatum… 

Who the heck are you anyway? 

 

Actress Tatum O’Neil, who has suffered a life long battle with drug and alcohol addictions,  was arrested for possessing crack and cocaine.  When arrested, she rotated between the following three -very believable- responses:

 

  1.    1.  I’m researching a part.

 

  1.    2.  I’m depressed after recently having
  2.          to “let my dog go to heaven.”

  1.    3.  You know who I am, right?

 

However, after being released from jail, she thanked the cops for saving her from what would have been the end of a two year sober streak.

 

Well doesn’t that just make you smile on the inside. Hollywood has a happy ending.  I think I just saw a double rainbow.  

 

Hey Tatum, next time you encounter a giant flashlight shining in your eyes, here’s some suggestions that will save some time in the interrogation room:

 

  1. I wanted them and I bought them
  2. You betta believe I would have snorted all this crap if you hadn’t of busted in here just now
  3. Before you take me away, do you mind if i just call Robert Downey, JR real quick and let him know the jig is up.  there’s no point in having him drive all the way across town with gas prices through the roof.

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The bigger issue is why are so many of you interested in this seemingly grotesque and morbid story?  Is the Clinton/Obama Lifetime Mini-Series no longer holding your attention?  Do you not even bat an eyelash at the fact that there’s some kind of a natural disaster occurring in every province of every country on every continent EVERY DAY and people all over are dying of manageable diseases?  Is the fact that fitty cent’s house went up in flames not even a blip on your radar? 

 

 

Are you not even slightly disturbed at the fact that George Clooney is literally INCAPABLE of maintaining a relationship and has now discarded yet another poor, dillusional damsel, Sarah Larson,—————–>

whom he not only flung from a motorcycle last year rendering her gimpster of the year at many a tinsle town event, but also knocked up?

 

 

 

 

 

No?  all that interests you is people being laid to rest in Pringle cans?  Man. Tough Crowd.

 

Well there are just some days that you gotta wish you were born in Ohio.  and today is one of those days my friends. Why, you ask?  Because that’s where the idea of curved Pringles being packaged in a tube was born.  Frederic Baur, an organic chemist of Cinncinnati, OH, patented the container idea back in 1966.

 

His lifelong wish was to have his ashes buried in one of his Pringle cans. 

 

Frederic, you have my deepest respect, forever and always. 

But all i have to say is, was it at least

the cheddar flavor? 

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Apparently, last Friday an unemployed Japanese man started noticing some food missing from his kitchen. 

now most of us, when presented with this kind of quandary would probably either:

1.  accuse our significant other/roomate of consuming too much food 

2. thought to ourself, “gee, i’m unemployed, i just sit around here all day and munch on stuff, maybe its ME who’s been consuming too much chop suey?!” 

and then proceed to hop on a scale and check it out.

 

 

what we would  most likely NOT do is set up a hidden camera to see why the food was MIA. 

Well, not this guy.

This is what we know.  A 57 yr. old unemployed Japanese guy called police on Wednesday to report that he had videos of a home intruder.   When police got to the scene, they found a 58 yr old (again, unemployed – whats up Japan?) setting up camp in the man’s closet.  Not only had this woman somehow gone undetected in this UNEMPLOYED man’s home, but she had snuck a matress inside the closet as well.  Apparently, she had been there for several months, stating “I didn’t have anywhere to live.”

“yea, can you hold on a minute? i think this guy might want his closet back”

The verdict? she was arrested for trespassing. 

OK, besides the obvious problems with this scenario such as:

1. how do you not notice someone living in your closet?

2. why do you set up a hidden camera in your house when all you suspect is a little bit of missing rice?

3. how do you not notice someone living in your closet?

I guess the moral of the story is that- guys, you need to clean more often.

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I don’t know if you guys have heard of Barack Obama, but he’s been in the news a bit lately.  Something to do with votes.  I don’t know.  Well, in spite of the fact that he has been attending Trinity United Church every week for the past sixteen years, was married there,  had his kids baptized there, and benefited from their financial support of his campaign -he has decided to cancel his membership.  Apparently, now the radical-ness is getting a bit too radical.  This decision was due to Obama attempting to break ties to Trinity’s former pastor Jeremiah Wright, who could be indeed classified as a Stage 5 Crazypants. 

 (Obama and Wright) “smile while you can Jerry, we won’t always be this happy.” 

“This is not a decision I come to lightly and frankly it’s one I make with some sadness,” says Obama.  Don’t worry, he still loves God.  But church isn’t in his best interest right now.  Once again, something to do with votes. 

 I’m not so sure. 

Then, just as the dust had appeared to settle, enter Michael Pfleger

—————->

who has put all the other crazypants in the land to shame. Pfleger,  whom the Catholic Church is trying to deny every knowing, recently accused Hilary of espousing “white entitlement” and also stated that “a black man’s stealing my show” during his speaking engagement at Trinity. 

 

 

{{{ siiiiiiiiiiiigh  }}}

 

For an up to date briefing on Obama’s new love interest visit here

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 ok world, brace yourself. 

Claymates- my apologies.  I’m sure you’ve already taken this story and ran with it like an outta shape asthmatic kid chasing after an ice cream cart – so i apologize for being a little late in getting the news.  

 I don’t know if any of you remember this dorky young sapling, who was but merely an American idol auditionee once upon a time… but uh, he went on to become ungodly famous and serenade us with various a sentimental tune.  he also somehow managed to be turned into somewhat of a sex symbol (see exibit b).

And if you didn’t know that, then i’m sure you don’t know this.  Since the inception of Clay Aiken’s career, there has been much speculation about Clay’s heterosexuality – or lack thereof.  Every interview in which he has been asked the “gay” question, he simply responded with something such as “this is my private life, people can say whatever they want.”   Ok.  Sure.  That’s fair.  But come on!  Throw us a bone Clay!  All the little girlies wanna know is if they stand a chance or not! They’re aiken for an answer!  Blessed Respite! 

 

 

Well as it turns out, Clay Aiken is having a baby!! 

 

more importantly, with a woman! 

finally the Heavens have shone down upon us and revealed an answer. 

 

Not.  so.  fast. 

 

1. The woman is his roommate.

2. And she’s forty-ish. 

3. And she’s being artificially inseminated. 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                          

What the ?  well.  i guess that solved nothing.  and as for all the girlies out there…

 the jury is still out.  

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