One of my goals for 2009 was to “stop fabricating the truth” so that means that what you are about to witness is actually forreal.
Again, I am sorry for the GIANT space between blogs here… all good things come to those who wait. Or have money. Whichever. So, those of you who know my parents will understand that this blog is absolutely true. Those of you who don’t know my parents, might now understand how I became the freak that I am today. My family is hilarious. We’re like the token Italian family they always showcase in movies, who talk over eachother and have 8 different conversations happening at once. Except, my mom isn’t even Italian. And I don’t have 7 siblings named after famous Italian statues.
First, there’s a couple of things you must know about my parents to fully appreciate this story. My dad is quite possibly the funniest person alive – to everyone except my mother, who never gets any of his jokes. On the other hand, no one on earth ever laughs at my mother’s jokes, except my mother, because they are just horrendous. My dad and I often challenge each other to see who can ignore her jokes the best, because if we give her even the slightest bit of encouragement she will keep repeating them. over. and. over. In a nutshell, they are on completely different wavelengths. In fact, the only thing they might have in common is their confusion over anything related to pop culture.
We’re watching American Idol, some nerdy kid sings, and my mom loves it.
mom: you know who he reminds me of? that kid on King of the Lords.
dad: King of the Lords?!? you mean, Ring of the Lords?
mom: oh, IM SORRY. that’s right, I meant Ring of the Lords.
me: no. no. it’s Lord of the Rings.
mom: well, I like him. he reminded me of Clay Aiken.
me: I guess. I like Clay Aiken. Can’t believe he had a kid.
mom: a kid???? he got married?
me: not exactly. he artifically inseminated his 40 yr old roommate and then he came out of the closet.
mom: WHAT?!?! since when?
me: like, a year ago?
dad: [randomnly changing the subject] you know, if you need get those pictures off my camera I’ve got a SUB cord and you can hook it up.
me: SUB? what? It’s not a car we’re talking about here. you mean a USB cord?
dad: Oh gosh, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me tonight. Sometimes I transpose my numbers.
me: …… sigh… you mean letters? [going to grab some paper so I can write all of this down]
[Nathaniel, the annoying emo kid sings…]
mom: he looks like he has a booger in his nose.
me: it’s a nose ring.
mom: so tell me more about this Clay Adkins?
me: it’s AIKEN.
mom: so does he have a boyfriend then?
dad: well that’s usually how it goes.
[then Jose, the Puerto Rican sings his song and gets emotional afterwards]
dad: [all annoyed] well you know he’ll make it now
me: cus he cried?
dad: of course. but you know who I liked was that little brunette. She was the best one with the best voice that messed up the worst.
[meanwhile, “‘Lil Rounds” (which is where I got my inspiration for ‘Lil Phant) sings her R&B song….]
mom: well that was just terrible. She’d of been better off singing Mary Had A Little Lamb than that crap. it was like black on a chalkboard.
dad: well that’s cus you just don’t get it. That girl’s gotta lot of class.
me: you said black on a chalkboard.