Posts Tagged ‘random crap’

So I finally broke down and bought cable.  Needless to say, other than HGTV [which teaches me awesomely useful things like how to turn my old lamp into a couch] I find it a huge waste of my time.  By this, I mean, that it now takes me an extra five minutes to scroll through all of my channels on Sunday night to realize that there is still nothing on. And no, I can’t just know that ahead of time. I still have to check. You know, just in case.

What’s the deal with weekend TV? Currently, as I’m writing this I have the option of watching the infomercial for either: a) Proactive Acne Solution. b) ScalpMed Hair Resoration. c) Urine Gone Pet Odor Eliminator. d) ShamWows. e) Tony Little’s Gazelle Freestyle.  OR I could watch HSN.  Somehow I always choose the exercise one.  I don’t actually watch it, but I have it playing in the background.  If everything is going according to plan, my abs will be subconsciously toned in no time…. which leaves me with:

**The Elephant’s 17 Rules You Should Probably Live By**

1. Don’t cry over spilt milk, unless if was effing hot.

2. Always remember that hot dates come and go, but STDs last a lifetime.

3. Carry a gun at all times.

4. Eat blueberries. and pomegrates. If you can’t eat them, then drink the juice. If you don’t like the taste, then get over it or suffer the consequences.

5. [#3 only applies if you live in Texas. or Nazi Germany.]

6. Whatever you do, do not consume shellfish and/or walnuts.


7. Smaller clothes don’t equal a smaller body.

8. She probably does just think of you like a brother.

9. He probably is just trying to get down your pants.

10. [regarding #4, according to my mother, these are the best things that you could ever consume. apparently, you shall become immortal if you ingest them and nothing will ever harm you.]


11. [only adhere to #6 if you break out in a rash and /or unsightly hives when consuming shellfish and /or walnuts.]

12. Follow the golden rule.

13. Honesty is the best policy.

14. True love lasts forever.

15. [#12-14 are impossible and monstrous loads of smelly crap. I would like to recant them if at all possible]

16. You can’t ever be too rich [crap! Oprah is way too rich]; too thin [shoot! Nicole Richey is way too thin] or too pretty.

17. Never date a salesman.  Or the next thing you know he will be borrowing your car and stealing the engagement ring that you had in your glove box to return to your ex-boyfriend.  Well, maybe that was just a string of bad luck, but I’m just throwing that out there.

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