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Posts Tagged ‘seinfeld’

festivus-seinfeldBack in high school, seven of us started a tradition.  Every Dec. 23, regardless of whatever family emergencies or weather advisories might be in place, we celebrated Festivus, the fake Seinfeld holiday.  This consisted of all of us squeezing in one of our barely working cars, driving to the train station, and spending the day walking around Chicago, shopping, dethawing in Borders, and taking pictures with giant indian sculptures.   No matter how warm you dressed in preparation for this day, sorry, you were still going to freeze your ass off.   I don’t know how many of you have been to the Midwest – but don’t plan on having an ass by the time you leave, cus you won’t.

As usual, it was me and the guys.  That has kind of been the story of my life.   They’re so much less bitchy and jealous.   Every year, as we got off the train and the blustery snow started whipping across my face, I said, ” this is the last time I’m fricken doing this.”   But it never was.  And of course, we always had to take the latest available train home which was around midnight.  Always.   On the 5 year anniversary, we all sprayed our hair silver and carried around an aluminum pole.   This went on for several years until parts of the crew started getting married or having illegitimate children – both of which resulted in them dropping off the face of the earth.

 

But ah, good memories.

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I shall now introduce to you the newest category here at The Daily Elephant:  The Kenny Chronicles.   What exactly are the Kenny Chronicles?  Well, due to overwhelming feedback on the blog I wrote last week referencing a dating conversation between my best friend “Kenny” and I, I will now be dispensing more blogs of this nature.  I’ve always got your best interest in mind.  If you didn’t get a chance to read the first one, please do so here because the second installment is comin at ya faster than an outta shape asthmatic kid chasing after an ice cream cart.

Kenny and I meet at a bookstore or Starbucks on a quasi-regular basis to discuss our issues.  I think we feel that the bookstore-ish surroundings make us more intellectual than we actually are, which in turn helps us more quickly penetrate to the heart of our problems.  Of course, this isn’t really successful because everyone (except us) acknowledges that merely sitting in a bookstore does not make you more intellectual.

lemon-cookieI arrive to find Kenny sitting out on the patio, sipping on an overly-priced mountain of coffee flavored whipped cream and looking rather introspective.  As I park my car, I instantly notice a drastic change upon my friend’s all too familiar face.  I don’t like change.  Before I sit down, I go inside and purchase the ridiculously too-big cookie of the day, which is always some random shape that makes no sense.  That day it was a lemon wedge.   And the following conversation begins: 

me:  seriously?  you got your hair cut.

kenny:   i couldn’t stand it anymore.

me: but Richie’s wedding is next week.

kenny:  I know.  but it’s sooooo hot outside.

me:  sooo hot?  my hair is black and 3 feet long  and you don’t see me buzzing it off do you?

kenny:  relax.  IT’S HAIR.  it’ll grow back.

me:  not in ONE WEEK!   how many months have I been saying that we need to get some good pictures at this wedding?  and you keep it long this entire time and a week before the wedding you get too hot.

kenny:  i know we need some new pictures.  we’ll get some.

me:  no we won’t.  because we cannot possibly have cute pictures with your hair hacked off like that. 

kenny:  it doesn’t look that bad?

me:  well it doesn’t look that good.  you don’t even look like yourself. 

elaine-from-seinfeld

kenny:  Yes i do?  how can i not look like myself.

me:   you know I like your hair longer and spikey.  when was the last time we took a good picture?  like two years ago? 

kenny:  oh, get over it. 

me:   I can’t believe you did this to me.

After we got that out of the way, I brushed the cookie crumbs off my sweatshirt and referenced how I seriously need to start working out.    Kenny talked about another girl that he isn’t dating, but if he was dating anyone right now, it might be her.

Check out more of the Kenny Chronicles:

How to talk yourself out of dating almost anyone

Black Friday, depression, and a Salvation army chair

A Bad Gordita and Some Classy Water

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Well, the election is over.  And although the world might be coming to an end, I will now be blogging more often.  So there’s always a rainbow, my friends, always.

 

So my best guy friend and I were discussing dating.  Not dating each other, but dating in general.  He shall remain nameless, but then again, I have remained nameless so the mere naming of my friend would have no meaning to you.  So I could technically name him, but I’m still not going to on the off chance you do know who I am and then you might figure it out.  But then again, if you do know who I am then you  already know who I’m talking about…  Well whatever!  Can you just stop being so difficult for one second of your life, and let me tell the freakin story! 

 

 

seinfeld

 

We often times find ourselves having these kind of conversations in hopes of figuring ourselves out and better understanding our issues so that we may become a beacon of light, a shining example for our gender.  Or we do it because we are the only ones who will not judge us for the ridiculous and terribly honest things we say.

 

elbowFirst, there’s something you’ve got to understand about my friend.  Let’s call him Kenny.  Happy now?  Well, Kenny once broke up with a girl because of her elbows.  And I rejected a guy one time because he was too Italian.  And I love Italians, so as you can imagine, this was a tragedy of mass proportion.   The point is, we are relationally challenged.  We’re very good at talking ourselves out of things using any justification at our disposal, and if there isn’t one available then we just make it up.  Most of our conversations resemble reruns of Seinfeld or something of that nature.  Get the picture?  Of course you do.  You’re bright.

 

So we’re sitting there, discussing our problems and an exchange to the following effect takes place:

 

me: ok.  so, again, why can’t you like her?

 

ken:  well, the personality is great.  face is great.  everything is great.  and I might even say it’d be the real deal if…

 

me: ….if what?

 

ken:  it weren’t for the gap.

 

me: what gap?

 

ken: the teeth gap.  can’t get passed it.

 

me: Ok, so to recap: you’re not going to date this girl, who otherwise might be the one because you can’t get passed the gap?

 

ken: no, its not just the gap.  but thats a big part of it

 

me: well that’s good to know.  I’m glad it’s not just the gap, but that it’s a whole slew of frivilous things.  you’re growing.

 

ken:  i mean, if i could just close it somehow. [holds up his first finger and thumb to form a gap]

 

me:  close it?  not gonna happen.  and you can’t suggest that.  no.  NO.

 

ken:  no?  but what if….

 

me: no. 

 

 

Check out more of the Kenny Chronicles:

 

A Conversation at Starbucks 

 

Black Friday, depression, and a Salvation army chair

A Bad Gordita and Some Classy Water

 

 

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