Posts Tagged ‘spandex’

[[[reaching deep down into the Bag ‘O Issues…]]]

slip of paper #1: “If Global Warming is true, why did we just have the most frigid winter in decades?”    no.

slip of paper #2: If Keira Knightly doesn’t have an eating disorder how come I can see her liver?”   naw.  not today.

slip of paper #3: “the ever-present and ever-growing spandex crisis.” 

and we have a winner!

Buckle up kids, this one is going to be a long, elastic ride… With warmer weather right around the corner (I’m starting to wonder just how many more corners we can turn here in IL …)  it brings one thing to mind.  Well, two things.  hooking up and working out.   We’ll address the hooking up part later, because that’s just way too big of a topic to throw in here casually.  Speaking of working out,  a topic of which I know nothing, it got me to thinking about gyms, which led to jogging, which led to sweating, which of course, had no where else to go but spandex, the elastic peep show.

i mean. 

come on.

Perhaps you are someone who frequently loves to stretch out in some spandex, or maybe you just keep it around for special occasions- i won’t press you for answers.  but there has to be an underlying reason behind the spandex – a deep rooted cause for your despicable actions.  and thats what i’m here for.  so get comfortable, get vulnerable, and get ready to get down to the heart of the matter. 

Do any of these describe you?

1. I get alot of dirty looks. i come across as borderline snobbish-most likely, because I am.  I jog along neighborhood sidewalks, often in subzero temperatures, probably wearing some kind of designer vest, with my IPOD strapped to my forearm, and a bottle of Crystal Light in my pocket.  When I return home, I like to sautee some Tofu and perhaps make an appointment to get my hair re-highlighted. oh, and i’m a bit of an attention whore.

DIAGNOSIS: trophy wife / celebrity

PSYCHOANALYSIS:  the spandex appears to be an avenue for you to showcase how proud you are that child-bearing has not yet had a negative affect on your thighs.   [or that you’ve had some mighty good work done]



muscle-guy2. I got rejected a few times for the prom – I remember uttering to myself, “someday I’ll show them.”  Now I live at the gym.  I have muscles in places they were never meant to be, nor did anyone ever imagine they could be.  No matter what, I always try to find a way to wear  a sleeveless shirt of some sort – just in case the muscles weren’t visible enough through the skin tight shirt.  If  I happen to be wearing sleeves, I can always just rip them off, as that looks more care-free and tough anyway.  I spend a pretty penny on fake tanning.

DIAGNOSIS: douchebag. 

PSYCHOANALYSIS:   you feel like you have something to prove to the world, thus,  you slather yourself in vanity and women.  the spandex is an outlet for the repression of feelings you had in high school. 


 3. I really like the word “zen.”  I try to use it when describing my plants, my house, and everything else that i can reasonably insert an adjective in front of.  I admire Madonna and her very zen-seeking/yoga doing lifestyle.  I’m also Vegan, because vegetarian isn’t committed enough.

DIAGNOSIS: exhippie

PSYCHOANALYSIS: You definately smoked your fair share of weed in the 70’s. you might have even tie-dyed your own shirt in the washer.  Now you’re middle-aged and trying to fix the damage you’ve done.  The problem is, you aren’t conscious of the damage that you are doing to the rest of us by the clothing choices your are making.



4.  I just have no business wearing this stuff.  period.  i don’t know who i think i am.

DIAGNOSIS:  none needed.

PSYCHOANALYSIS:  out yo mind.


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