Posts Tagged ‘teens’

its not quite this bad

its not quite this bad

Let me start by saying that I currently drive a plum-colored Saturn with duct tape on the hood.  The reason for the duct tape is to cover an actual hole in my hood that was created by veering off the road and crashing into a road sign, which fell on my car and poked a hole straight through it. 

So heed my advice at your own discretion.

So back to this whole matter of me being in a beauty pageant.  Typing that very sentence makes my skin crawl, but you brought it up.  Let me first say, that I hate pageants and all the creepy girls and moms associated with them.  Okay.

Once upon a time, I was dating a charming young Italian gentleman, who I thought at the time was my long awaited knight in shining armor.  Ok.  Let’s start over.  Once upon a time, before developing my completely pessimistic realistic views on the ways of the world and men, I happened to get the wool pulled over my eyes by an Italian nutjob in preppy clothing who sang in a band.

As most young women who pay their way through private college, I was broke beyond my wildest dreams.  My brilliant nutjob was friends with the director of the local Miss America pageant sector, and they came to the ridiculous conclusion that I should be in a pageant.  My immediate protest was stiffled by the mention of  “but you can win alot of money.”    I have a habit of doing things spur of the moment, without much thought or consideration to what said thing will entail, so after a couple weeks I said, “fine. what do I have to do?”   Let me interrupt this story to comment on the time line for a moment.   Pageant = August.  When I was informed of said pageant = July.

four-inch-clear-heelsAfter having said yes, but then realizing the pageant was one month away, I recanted my admission.  Then I was further coerced by the boyfriend and director that it would be no big deal to prepare for.  Lies so big even Satan was shocked.   In one month I had to:  find a pageant gown [um, haven’t seen any of those around town lately] and 4 inch clear  heels [am I a stripper?], figure out a “talent” [I can’t sing, dance, or do anything requiring hand-eye coordination], get a professional picture for the program, learn how to walk in 4 inch clear heels [again. can’t do this], learn the group dance routine [there’s a what?],  get a swimsuit that I’d be comfortable wearing in front of thousands of people, freak out, and actually stop eating enough food for a small lacrosse team so that I could not embarass myself while wearing the swimsuit.  

My first problem is that I make impulsive decisions, my second problem is backing out of them.  I can’t do it.   So after one month of freaking out, chewing the Italian a new one, and eating nothing but apples – I competed in the pageant.

My talent?  A comedic monologue about my teenage acne.  Yes.     And you are correct if you are thinking that you’ve never seen anyone do a comedic monologue at a pageant before.  I don’t believe anyone ever has.  Probably because they can sing and dance like all the other pageant freaks.  Did they love it?   Does Geraldo Rivera love his mustache?

Swimsuit competition?  You know I rocked that.

Who’s the Elephant?

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I didn’t realize that Hanson Part II existed until about a week ago…my bad.  I never was good at keeping up with the Jonases.   So sue me for not being abreast to the history-makers that are changing the fabric of our society.  I guess the trio has caused millions of teenage girls everywhere to suffer nearly suicidal bouts of depression and hormonal mood swings, so I thought to myself, “well, I better investigate this, they sound like a big deal.”


So I pulled up a sound clip on YouTube to see what I’ve been missing. 

Fifteen seconds later, I realized, that something has gone terribly awry.  “is anyone else in the world able to hear what I’m hearing?”  The ONLY feasible conclusion I could come to is that there is a pandemic spreading like wildfire accross this nation,  affecting the eardrums of girls everywhere – and I’m the only one who hasn’t caught it yet.  Considering I’m the only one left among the fruited plains with any sense, I feel it my duty to send an official warning to the children.

Dear Jonas Brothers,

In about three years, after you hit puberty, your voices will change (thank God for that) and you will no longer be able to sing any of your songs.  Unfortunately, three years is 1,095 days too many.  About a decade ago, another brotherly singing trio paved the way for you; and much like yourselves, they sucked.  Their name was HANSON – after their own last name, which strikes an eery resemblance to your band, JONAS BROTHERS.  Hanson’s greatest hit was a song that didn’t even have words as its title.  To this day, no one even knows what “mmmbop”  means or even is.  Well, you know what happened to them don’t you?  Once they grew male voices and unsightly body hair, they realized that all they had left was some pinups of themselves from TigerBeat and and an 8th grade education to finish.

This is your final warning.  Please stop whatever it is your trying to do.  Your mommy misses you.

Yours Truly,

The daily elephant

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