9 Reasons to Despise Neil Diamond – if you don’t already
1. bigest, bushiest, salt -and -peppery sideburns of all time. that goes without saying.
2. he contaminates 4th of July (which is almost my favorite holiday. almost).
I cannot celebrate this day without someone cranking their boom box with “Comin to America” during the sky show. (in which case, i take bigger issue with whomever coordinates the sky show to begin with.)
4. he’s a pervert. Not only did he sign with Bang Records, but he made a song that contains the words, “girl, you’ll be a woman soon… and soon i’ll be your man.” well gee neil, lets try and wait for the poor girl to stop running from the boys because they have “cooties” before attempting anything that could get you 3-5.
5. gravely voice. beaty eyes.
6. songs like “cracklin’ rosie,” really? cracklin oat-bran? cracklin fire? … or perhaps you meant to say cracklin whip? cus you’re a pervert?
7. as you can see, his breeds abnormal fans.
8. clearly, he has an anger management problem – possibly suffers from permanent insanity or syphilis
9. he is a constant embarrassment to society, and a mockery is to be made of him. only then, might he stop.