[Please be advised that the following case study is not only FDA approved, but it is the result of YEARS of research and should not be questioned]
I find that the whole dating process is nothing but a huge waste of time [and his money]. You may or may not agree with me, and as you could have guessed, I don’t care. Here’s the problem: you meet; you flirt; you have ridiculous, surfacey, nervous conversations that don’t make any sense; you date; you think you might have found “the one;” and a year later – BAM! You’re dating Psycho McBipolarPants. But then it’s too late because you either feel sorry for them and can’t break it off or you’re too overwhelmed at the thought of starting over, so you just stick with the loser until three years have come and gone.
“So,” you ask, “how does one ever solve this age-old dilemma?”
Well, as usual, you’ve come to the right place. By now, I’m sure some of you have realized that I am a savvy expert on several topics… but what you may not have realized is that I am also a scientist. A scientist of love. And I welcome you to the coolest, most color- coordinated laboratory you’ve ever been to.
It’s simple. All you have to do when you meet someone is tell them what movie character you are. As soon as you mention that, they will understand everything about your personality and life so that they can make an educated decision whether or not you’re meant to be. If not, peace out sucka! If you don’t know how to figure out what character you are, I’ll get you started with the following quiz of the most popular pesonality types [answers are written below]:
1. You’re one of those super nice-guy dormats. You’re not materialistic, but you occasionally wear spandex and perhaps a Van Halen tshirt. Your friend resembles Boy George. You have a curly, Jewish mullet. You like the Cure [and God love you for that]. Who are you?
2. You attended etiquette school, although you now pose nekkid for a mere $0.10. You like long boat rides and dresses that cut off your air supply. You were rescued from plumeting to a watery death by a strapping young gentleman. You repaid him by not so much as sharing the slightest piece of your raft when he was dying of hypothermia in an abyss of blustery water. Who are you?
3. You love reeses pieces, and you pick them up with your very long fingers. No matter where you are, you love to call home. Your very long fingers light up on occasion. Who are you?
4. You’re an avid collector… of skin, mostly. You might have played hockey as a child, but now you wear a mouth guard for a different reason. You can’t resist the Bath and Body Works 2 for $5 lotion special. You’re voice is a bit creepy. You’ve contemplated eating a few of your friends. Who are you?
5. You’ve been robbed, more than once. You enjoy high risk sports – often inside the house. Growing up, you hated your parents and your cousin often wetted the bed. You’re scared of spiders, but are willing to touch a tarantula if need be. You’re quite the ecape artist. You have abandonment issues due to your parents leaving the country without you a couple times. Who are you?
6. You have a lucky streak. You volunteered for the army. You’re an entrepreneur who loves his mom. You loved one girl your whole life, but she never paid attention to you until she was dying of AIDS. You and your offspring are named after a large clump of trees. Who are you?
7. You believe in love at first sight. You can think up some pretty sneaky plans… but when it comes to follow through you really suck. You talk in Old English, and let’s face it, you aren’t that pretty. You kill yourself at inconvenient times. Who are you?
8. You’re pretty, I’ll give ya that. You think black boots go with everything. If you get short on cash, you sell your body. Who are you?
9. You are pretty gullible. You’re a loner. You’ve spent most of your life hiding from love, but when you finally discover your dream girl – you find that she is actually an ogre, much like yourself. Who are you?
1. Robbie Heart [Wedding Singer] 2. Rose [Titanic] 3. ET 4. Hannibal Lector [Silence of the Lambs] 5. Kevin [Home Alone] 6. Forrest Gump 7. Juliet 8. Pretty Woman 9. Shrek
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