Let me start by saying that I currently drive a plum-colored Saturn with duct tape on the hood. The reason for the duct tape is to cover an actual hole in my hood that was created by veering off the road and crashing into a road sign, which fell on my car and poked a hole straight through it.
So heed my advice at your own discretion.
So back to this whole matter of me being in a beauty pageant. Typing that very sentence makes my skin crawl, but you brought it up. Let me first say, that I hate pageants and all the creepy girls and moms associated with them. Okay.
Once upon a time, I was dating a charming young Italian gentleman, who I thought at the time was my long awaited knight in shining armor. Ok. Let’s start over. Once upon a time, before developing my completely pessimistic realistic views on the ways of the world and men, I happened to get the wool pulled over my eyes by an Italian nutjob in preppy clothing who sang in a band.
As most young women who pay their way through private college, I was broke beyond my wildest dreams. My brilliant nutjob was friends with the director of the local Miss America pageant sector, and they came to the ridiculous conclusion that I should be in a pageant. My immediate protest was stiffled by the mention of “but you can win alot of money.” I have a habit of doing things spur of the moment, without much thought or consideration to what said thing will entail, so after a couple weeks I said, “fine. what do I have to do?” Let me interrupt this story to comment on the time line for a moment. Pageant = August. When I was informed of said pageant = July.
After having said yes, but then realizing the pageant was one month away, I recanted my admission. Then I was further coerced by the boyfriend and director that it would be no big deal to prepare for. Lies so big even Satan was shocked. In one month I had to: find a pageant gown [um, haven’t seen any of those around town lately] and 4 inch clear heels [am I a stripper?], figure out a “talent” [I can’t sing, dance, or do anything requiring hand-eye coordination], get a professional picture for the program, learn how to walk in 4 inch clear heels [again. can’t do this], learn the group dance routine [there’s a what?], get a swimsuit that I’d be comfortable wearing in front of thousands of people, freak out, and actually stop eating enough food for a small lacrosse team so that I could not embarass myself while wearing the swimsuit.
My first problem is that I make impulsive decisions, my second problem is backing out of them. I can’t do it. So after one month of freaking out, chewing the Italian a new one, and eating nothing but apples – I competed in the pageant.
My talent? A comedic monologue about my teenage acne. Yes. And you are correct if you are thinking that you’ve never seen anyone do a comedic monologue at a pageant before. I don’t believe anyone ever has. Probably because they can sing and dance like all the other pageant freaks. Did they love it? Does Geraldo Rivera love his mustache?
Swimsuit competition? You know I rocked that.
ha, that’s awesome. Great story : )
well hello mike. Nice running into you here. funny, yes, after many years and multiple therapy session, i can see your point.
Funny, I also performed a comic monologue about teenage acne. It wasn’t at a beauty pageant though (I was not allowed to enter because of my excessive hairiness and due to the fact that i am male )- it was at a convenience store owners convention in Jersey.
Thanks for the post
Whats up ram, thanks for stopping by. I kind of wish you would have performed a comedic monologue about teenage acne at a beauty pageant. then I would not be the only one in the world.
excellent story! you gave my second smile after having had a very sucky day. thanks! 😉
maria.. see. its people like you. that is why i do this. you are why i go through the public humiliation of posting my life for all to see. so you can smile.
“Lies so big even Satan was shocked.”
I live for lines like that.
This was very funny at your voluntary expense. It was supposed to be, right?
I saw that on youtube, I really thought the whitehead/blackhead stuff was a bit edgy, controversial but I didn’t hate it. You handled the drunk hecklers really well.
paul… finally. why you gotta be like that. you’re getting almost as bad as brandon who toys with my emotions on a daily basis. he’s here. he comments. then poof, i have to beg for his presence. by the way, um, brandon? are u in there? hello?
yes, it is voluntary humiliation. i bring it upon myself.
ahhh, michael. so witty you are my friend. yea, i tried not to be racial when talking about the acne, but some things just slip out.
I don’t see blackheads or whiteheads, I just see acne…
its good to see that you don’t judge acne based on the way it looks. refreshing
touche!
Its really what’s inside the acne that coun…never mind.
hey mike, stop talking so vulgarly about the acne. your comments keep getting stuck in my spam queue. hah. im SERIOUS
You’ve been through enough life experiences to be at least 40 years old by now. But beauty pageant? While you obviously have the looks for it, you apparently don’t have the craziness for it (as evidenced by your one and only therapist visit). I can only imagine the um… interesting people you met while doing that.
One of my exes actually competed in the Miss Beloit one and did a “comedy” routine (there’s a reasons for the quotes, which I’m sure you inferred on your own) as her talent as well. I’m sure your version was far superior.
haha. brandon, you are too kind. i don’t know about all that. Well, ok I do and i’m sure my monologue was far superior to your exes… no, just kidding. wait, no i’m not.
yes, therapy is a waste of time when you already know whats wrong with you and its over analyzation and perfectionism, i mean? what can i do about that? and really, is it that bad to want to do things right?
I think the transcript of that monologue would make a great post!!! 🙂
rachel… isn’t what i’ve already given you ENOUGH material. If I subjected myself to any more humiliation… i might not be able to show my face on this blog anymore! oh wait…
Yeah, don’t joke about it. She didn’t exactly have much of a sense of humor, and what she did have was more awkward “funny” than actual funny. Luckily I did not have to witness the train wreck as it happened, since it was a year before I even met her.
You’re preaching to the choir, anyway. Over analyzation and perfectionism are my two weaknesses as well.
well…I wasn’t joking…I just assumed it would be hysterical since you are rather witty at this current point in your life :). It sounds as if it is something better lost in the sands of time? 😉
rach… i’m putting that on my to do list. locate old embarrasing acne monologue. i think it was on the laptop that i took to london which blew up from the converter i had. yea. thats true too.
brandon… weaknesses? not you.
If you’re going to say it, who am I to argue?
I know I’m typically so modest and all, but on Brit’s insistence, I must retract my previous statement to say the following: I have no weaknesses.
nice post 🙂
Linda
http://acneonblog.blogspot.com
oh. the story is not complete yet.
did you win?
haha. oh yes, la, that story completed like 5 years ago. I did win the bathing suit competition, but I was runner up for the pageant. an amazing feat considering I had no clue what i was doing!
woah, winning the bathing suit competition and coming out as a runner-up in the pageant is no easy feat.
plus the fact that i like your writing style.
oh my, i’m falling in love.
Haha.
well thank you la. for the compliment. mostly on my writing style.. that makes me the happiest.
um, so i tried to leave you a comment on your blog… but uh, the spam word thingy kept saying “loading” and it never did so it erased it…. u make it hard to socialize.
@la_flash: careful, don’t encourage this one!
hey, whats that supposed to mean michael!! haha
I wonder what Michael meant by that… hmmm. Haha.
thank you thedailyelephant for the feedback, I didn’t know that there’s a problem there. I checked and disabled the spam word thingy.
Keep this blog cool!
don’t listen to michael flash…
@la_flash: As Lil’ Phant illustrates above, women love to be admired for everything not related to their hotness, brains, humor, talent. Actually quite a turn off to compliment a woman, especially one you don’t know, about their appearance value.
At the same time, they need to be respected for their beauty. So don’t ever forget that.
haha oh michael. you hAVE learned something. this warms my heart. and my mind. It’s good to know all my incessant ramblings are not futile.
Hey I’m just trying to protect flash from being corrupted by you, he’s very innocent.
Your pat on the back, a bit unwarranted, I knew that stuff before I became one of your masses, thanks for the recognition though.
A pat on the back is okay as long as it doesn’t turn in to a massage.
corrupted? what? like i’m some kind of PSYCHO!?! who is this guy anyway, his website is very mysterious. should i be scareD?
@michael, You know, you’re right… Haha. It’s not good to compliment women you don’t know personally with regards to their appearance, but the fact that this lady has won some awards in a beauty pageant says a lot of things. Hehe.
But one thing I really admire about this blog is the writing skill of the author. Let’s just say that she has a style of her own and that I admire only those who I think are better than me. Hehe.
flash…. well, i suck at accepting compliments. my usual response is something along the lines of “shut up” or “your mom has good writing skills” but i’m going to try to be a lady and say thanks.
maybe you just have a very good knack of being able to tell who is DROP DEAD GORGEOUS by reading their blogs, eh? you might be on to something. haha
Aah, good to see everybody settled in on this issue.
Brit I never thought you were a PSYCHO, though you may be a little HIGH STRUNG at times.
hey, i never said i disagreed michael. i just might be a little psycho