Dearest lovebirds of all shapes and sizes,
With the corniest scam holiday of the year fastly closing in on us, I thought I’d take the opposite approach to many websites, which list “good” Valentines Day gift ideas. This could be because I hate Valentines Day. Or that I take the opposite approach to just about everything. If you could just hold on for one quick sec, while I finish this box of ice cream. Much appreciated.
This post is strictly for the males out there, as you know, I’ve always got your back. I suggest you brace yourselves cowboys – because there’s a fierce wind coming your way and it’s about to blow your friggen mind.
1. Stuffed animals. Whether it be a GIANT red atrocity from the Walmart candy aisle or a Vermont Teddy Bandit bear, you are not to buy us any form of a stuffed animal. Nevermind the bombardment of commercials tell you that this is a good idea, it’s a glitch in the Matrix. It isn’t cute. We aren’t going to sleep with it every night. It won’t remind us of how much we love you, but rather the dilemma we face over where we can possibly place a GIANT-bright-red-stuffed bear that doesn’t match anything. Nothing.
Exceptions: You are dating a 9 year old.
2. Lotion sets. Alright, how much lotion do you think we need exactly? We’re already trying to rotate the twelve lotion sets we have from the past four Christmas, birthdays, Valentines Days, Flag days, and that bout with pneumonia – none of which we even like the smell of to begin with. Unfortunately, we won’t allow ourselves to throw away perfectly good lotion -so we are forced to hoard them in misery.
Exceptions: You are dating someone with incurable dry skin. An aligator, perhaps.
3. Pajama-grams. First of all, what just happened? Second of all, no. Do you really think we want something from a company that says “this is the only gift guaranteed to get her clothes off”…..? This is the worst thing you could EVER think of getting a woman. Not only are these pajamas guaranteed to be butt ugly and itchy, but they come with additional accessories like “do not disturb” signs and flowered sachets. gag.
Exceptions: She is homeless and has nothing else to wear.
Guys, avoid these things along with anything that can be purchased from Walgreens of CVS and you should be alright. For the most part.
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