If you’ve read any of my previous posts regarding my best friend Kenny, you’ll be not so surpised to hear that he is indeed a metrosexual. And when I say metrosexual, I mean he’s one manbag away from starring in an Off-Broadway musical and getting regular pedicures – except he likes the ladies. When I say metro, I mean that he doesn’t comprehend the words “just throw on some clothes and meet me at the bookstore.” This could be what I love most about him. He comes with all the glorious benefits of a girlfriend, but I don’t have to be tormented witless by the catty moodswinging madness. Drama, yes. He does have that. But at least not between us. Indirect drama I can handle.
So Kenny is one of these people who says he’ll meet you at noon, but by the time he gets done tweaking his hair, changing his outfit five times, and analyzing his level of winter “paleness” sufficiently – it’s over. The moment has passed and I’m in my PJ’s, watching reruns of Family Matters. Maybe it was the massive amount of whining I’ve done over the years, or maybe he just got sick of all the hassle -but Kenny decided he was going to become “I don’t care” casual. Of course, the effort involved in Kenny trying to look like he doesn’t care, takes an awful lot of caring.
[ Cut to conversation at my house]:
Kenny walks in…
me: what? why are you wearing a baseball cap?
kenny: It’s the new, casual- I -don’t-care Kenny. [points to hat] what do you think?
me: it looks weird.
kenny: like, weird different or weird ugly?
me: like, weird i’ve-never-seen-you-in-a-hat -ever-weird. and a baseball cap? I need to sit down.
kenny: I searched for weeks to find just the right one that would look good on my head.
me: the reason guys wear baseball caps is so they can disguise their unshowered hair. it’s not supposed to look perfect on your head. and it’s a Yankees hat. Do you even know who the Yankees are?
kenny: yea, they’re a baseball team.
me: You could have at least gotten a Cubs hat. That would have made more sense.
kenny: yea, but my other friend got the Cubs one, I can’t have the same one.
me: everyone has a Cubs hat – we live next to Chicago.
kenny: well I like this one, it looks good on me.
me: wait…. hold the phone. is that a SWEATSHIRT you’re wearing?
kenny: yea.
me: huh, i actually like it. looks good on you.
kenny: yea, it’s a fitted one. i got it at Abercrombie.
me: ok, you’re already caring too much about not caring. it’s not your thing.
For more in the Kenny Chronicles:
How to talk yourself out of dating almost anyone
A Conversation at Starbucks
Black Friday, depression, and a Salvation army chair
A Bad Gordita and Some Classy Water
It seems “Kenny” and I have quite a bit in common. I’m not sure if that’s good or not… I’ll just leave it at “TBD”, only never get around to coming to a conclusion.
wait, brandon.. hark! does this mean you have a blog!!!!!!
You seem to have a lot of posts about a guy you claim is just a friend. Is one of you looking for more (usually the guy)
oh bearman. its okay. you’re new here. No. no, no. and in honor of groundhog day i’ll repeat myself = no. Kenny and I are longtime friends. we instantly bonded over fashion and our dramatic ways of life. we have been like brother and sister ever since. we’ve had every opportunity to be together and if we wanted to we would be. but we don’t. so we’re not.
Kenny is a funny dude. I have a metro friend who seems rather similar to him.
I think your dialogue posts are my favorites. Honestly, I am jealous of the funny situations that seem to pop up in your daily life. If only!! 😉
Rachel… kenny is hilarious and i tell you my life was completely ridiculous before i met him. he has, however, enriched the level of ridiculousness.
Yes, it appears I have created a blog. I need to get the ambition to write things though… or at least get a good way to start it off. I have a few “middle” type blogs, but nothing worth starting everything off with.
yea. you gotta start it off good. i can’t even remember how i started mine out, but it wasn’t anything to write home about. of course, fast forward to six months later and you’ve got sheer brilliance
It can take hours to look like you don’t give a #@it about how you look.
Tell your friend that baseball caps have been linked to baldness. if he’s as metro as you say, it will cure him of baseball hats.
haha. yea. he’s starting to recede, so he’s already in crisis mode
Well a real first post now exists. Let’s see how long this goes before I go months between posts. I give it a week.
haha. i’ll check it out. will it help if i harp on you like i do when you don’t leave me comments?
It probably wouldn’t hurt. Otherwise I’ll do what I did when I wasn’t leaving comments… just not even check this website for updates or anything and wandering through life lost.
brandon, could you stop wandering through life lost please? check my blog daily. try to post one of your own once a decade and peace will come. just like it came with Obama
>sigh<
Sadly – I dated Kenny’s evil twin. I say that because Kenny sounds nice – this guy was weird.
We’re talking manicure kits and no-shine powder. He constantly took pictures of himself.
And I wonder why I’m single….
Julie.. I dated someone like this as well. I would be completely ready to go and he was still scrubbing his face. He had more face products that I even realized they sold in stores. it. was. annoying. I usually go for the more carefree types. and i didn’t realize it at first or i probably wouldn’t have dated him, but then again, he was also addicted to heroin – which, had i known, probably would have put the kibosh on it too. 😉
Details… details.. ha.
(steroids with mine)
yea. small. insignificant. details.
Does the name Rachel Matyasse ring a bell?
oh yes yes. maywood. ah we are all connected. I remember you. it’s been AWHILE. but i remember you. crazy
crazy indeed. wild and weird.
oh but we are all connected by maywood
Dudes. I’m so old. Or, at least I feel it. I’m so glad I married before the whole metrosexual thing hit. I swear it wouldn’t work for me. I need a guy who knows nothing about moisturizers or eyebrow plucking. I want my man hairy. But he doesn’t have to be named Harry. Is that TMI?
pinky. i know what you’re saying. but it’s like you have to have one extreme or the other. either they have god-awful feet and are incapable of picking up after themselves… or they wear fitted v-neck tshirts with white belts. ugh
I think that what Kenny really needs is a nice Dallas Cowboys baseball cap!
ha. he needs anything but yankees katy. ANYTHING
so i see i missed a historical moment in time by not showing up the other night. Damn night MAT classes! They always make me miss out on the more important things in life.
haha. i told you. you should have come. just remember sweet cheeks that nothing good can ever come from not seeing me
[…] The Kenny Chronicles: A metrosexual and a Yankees hat […]
Where I live, a metrosexual man is one who washes more than twice a week. Three times, and he will be stoned to death by the village pond and left to the mercy of the ducks. Don’t get me started on their teeth.
oddly enough, the metrosexual that i dated, who was just absolutely ridiculous was a Brit. he was a strange bird. where exactly are you from woman?
metro is so in
[…] A Metrosexual in a Yankees hat […]
[…] For more chapters in the Kenny Chronicles, please check out: How to talk yourself out of dating almost anyone, A conversation at Starbucks, Black Friday, depression, and a Salvation Army chair, A bad gordita and some classy water, and A metrosexual in a Yankees hat […]