First of all, I’m implementing a new rule here at The Daily Elephant. And that is that you address me by my rapper name: ‘Lil Phant. [pronounced ‘font’]
There are two planetary certainties which occur ever time I leave the comfort of my surroundings and venture out into the cold, harsh reality that is our world:
1. I will step in gum that I myself spat out merely five seconds prior.
2. I will have an awkward encounter with an astranged friend I haven’t seen since the late 90’s.
If you are one of these estranged friends, I’d like to take this moment to apologize for the abrupt conversation that just took place. Cus see, I have avoidance issues. Simply put, I wanted to avoid you, but you made it impossible by cornering me next to the tomato sauce. Then you prodded me with questions all interrogation style and it made me uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable because I am afraid to discuss my life with you, but uncomfortable in the sense that you were wasting my time. And you don’t care what I’ve been up to and I’m [hopefully] not going to see you for another decade so do we really have to do this? Yes? Aw, crap.
estranged friend: Oh hey! haven’t seen you in forever. What on earth have you been up to? Married? Kids?
me: It’s been awhile, for sure. No. No thanks on the married thing. And no illegitimate children. ..
[what I’m thinking: Well, let’s see. I went to college after avoiding it for a solid year, then ran away to Mexico for while, changed my major 6 times because I can’t commit to anything, then moved to London and travelled the world for a little bit, came back, dropped out of college to open a retail store, successfully warded off two engagements, dated a british guy who turned out to be a bajillionaire, got sick of retail store….]
me: Yea. Just same old. same old…
[still thinking: then discovered british guys like heroin, rebounded with a bipolar crazypants, stood by as all my friends got married/ knocked up/ or both, started massage therapy school for fun, dropped out of massage therapy school for fun, worked out once, got my house and my store robbed/ my purse stolen twice/ my car broken into all within a 6 month span, lost my mind, got some stories published, bought a condo..]
me: Yea. nothing to report here. You?
estranged friend: Well, Bobby and I got married after college and we’ve got little Joshy and Abigail at home. We’re expecting our third in the fall. You know, I’ve been reading your blog and I love it!
me: Oh, really? thanks
[what I’m thinking: crap…. crap… CRAP!!#$%^! what did I write about her? There had to be something. And she has to know it’s her. UGH WHY can’t I just not write offensive but truthful blogs about everyone in my past? Well, cus they provide cheap entertainment. ….Wait. Hold the phone. I don’t even talk to this girl, how does she know I have a blog? Well. In that case, it looks like we just took a turn to creeptown -so she deserves everything I said about her. In fact, I think I’ll write something about this when I get home.]
me: Alright, well, see ya in another ten years.
In conclusion, it would really help me out if anyone that I personally know would avoid reading my blog. Because see, you are what fans the flames of this blog, for without you, I would have nothing to criticize. Then, I could be free to use you as comic relief without fear of awkward reprecussions, and you could live your life blissfully unaware that you are the source of public mockery.
Today is the last day to enter my totally rad featured blog contest! To quality for this week, you must leave a comment on this post, and on each of these:
What not to buy for Valentine’s day
I can’t remember if I qualify but DON’T put me in the running. No this isn’t some kind of reverse psychology, I just won’t be around to answer emails and I certainly don’t want to be vilified (damn I am using the word vilified…I must be reading Michaels rant blog too much) like you did Julie last week for not responding promptly. My fragile ego couldn’t take it.
haha. well bearman, you know what they say. any publicity is good publicity right? don’t worry, you’re officially “out of the running.”
very funny, like it
newman
(L L numan)
erg?
newman… welcome. everybody say hi to newman and let him share your crayons.
erg??? does my blog force you to make weird bodily noises? i’m sorry
I remember when some of those things happen… way back when we used to talk fairly frequently on AIM. Oh those were the days…
But back to the point at hand: I sometimes fear the people I write about are going to end up reading my blog (especially when I start diving a bit more into people who are actually still in my life), but then I realize that it’s not like I’m making anything up… and what’s the worst that could happen? Plus most of them aren’t smart enough to figure out the clever new names I use to protect their identities, so there’s no way they’d catch on.
Or at least that’s how I hope it works out.
In the meantime, I’m proud of myself for maintaining my blog. 7 posts in 9 days! I suppose the fact that I’m doing this at work contributes to that… because if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s avoiding doing actual work.
haha. see what i mean? now you understand why i had dry spells in the early days when i still had “a real job” – it’s hard. cus, no, i couldn’t be on the internet like all you losers.
don’t worry, i know that NO ONE is smart enough to figure out themselves either. and even if they did, these are all people i could care less about what they think anyway. Kenny is well aware and doesn’t mind and neither does my cheap mom friend.. so thats good enough for me.
yes… those were the days….
First of all Bearman – shout out for the sympathy. It was tough – frankly – she drove me to drink.
Brandon & Brit – we are all awesome – its not like we can’t make new friends in two seconds… right away.
Lil phant- My recent blog has caused quite the little scandal for me as well – people are so darn sensitive
jules… lil phant says it like it is. no wool over my readers eyes.
embrace the scandal julie. hug it. hold it close. it is your lifeline. no one likes to read anything nice.
awww man I hear ya on running into the random crazies. they somehow manage to find and corner me at the mall when I’m just visiting up there. So I can’t imagine the chance of running into them on a regular basis. I guess not having to deal with past people is one of the (few) joys of moving far away from home.
one of the few joys… yes… but isn’t it overshadowed by the fact that you no longer have me around?
i don’t think that’s a well balanced life jo.
that’s awesome. some of my friends ask “is that me your talking about?” where I respond “oh no…you’re not a douchebag at all, that’s a different buddy of mine.”
sometimes these blogs can get you into hot water
this is true. i’m sure your buddy gets himself into trouble quite a bit. it’s just a shock to me that anyone reads my blog. apparently it never occurred to me that was a possibility when i started it.
you know what’s really scarey? i had this same idea for a post. i even googled pics of people chatting over supermarket carts just yesterday. glad i didn’t write it. yours was way funnier. 😉
lol. now maria… i don’t know about that. but can i get a witness here that it is hard to find a picture of someone “cornering and interrogating you with questions by the tomato sauce?” i can’t imagine why there wasn’t a plethora of results for my search. isn’t that quite a common occurrence?
Yeah, I see what you mean. If I didn’t have internet at work, I’d probably have like 3 blogs up (at most), and those would all be from the initial “OMG I have a blog and must write something“. So the dry spells in the early days all make sense… and hey, it gives you some material to recycle too, since it’s new to most of these people.
I haven’t shown my blog to anyone I know yet… I’m deciding if I should just let people find it on their own or start pimping it to people. I’m thinking the former…
yea, that was tricky. i didn’t pimp mine for awhile cus i was like well, i want to use them all for material.. but then people started finding it and liked it anyway, so then i was like, whatev. and now i link it to my facebook (which you need to get, myspace SUCKS) everytime i post.
I have facebook… I’ll add you when I get home from work. I know Myspace sucks, which is why my page hasn’t changed in like a year and a half.
I probably have more damning things on my blog though that would inevitably get back to the people I’m talking about (like “Why won’t he have sex with me?” girl, who will without a doubt know it was her) if I pimped mine out… so I think I’ll wait a bit before doing so.
yea, proceed with caution, whitty. but the reward of countless chuckles in the distance lures me back in every time.
Lil Phant, I have deliberately kept myself anonymous on my site because I fear this very situation. In another incarnation I forgot the cardinal rule: ‘Only slag off those you know won’t be reading’ and wrote a blistering attack on a relative who had yanked my chain. As I recall, I referred to her as: ‘a repugnant warped crone with the unfailing ability to syphon the joy out of any given situation’. She read it.
My, that was a fun Christmas dinner.
Jaz Trick (formerly, the woman in black)
lol. oh woman, i’ve had so many fun dinners along those lines. but hey, the world needs something to laugh at. she should feel proud that she contributed
I’ll stop reading now, even though, I don’t think it’s fair to say we know each other “personally”. I see you at Happy Joe’s, I immediately look for cover.
haha. happy joes. well, you know, they do have some delicious mac’n cheese pizza. forreals. but that was the one and only time i went there. …. i guess it wasn’t that good.
Brandon I’m with Brit – myspace sucks. I have mine on my facebook – which is also a way to get in trouble, but hey – then thats something ELSE to blog about!
Win/Win
And I think you just really like saying “pimping”
Lil Phant – I plan on cuddling with my drama this evening. it will be my valentine
lol. yes, i used to have so much drama that it could very well engulf me in a giant comfy snuggie of sorts. now i just refuse to let it happen. brandon does like to say pimpin, whether he admits it or not. just like he probably has a chameleon mustang parked in his garage
lil phant…I hate situations like that (running into old friends/acquaintances) and think that we should instate some kind of universal law against having to participate in conversations like that, protecting us and others like us.
amen. cus if everyone would just abide by it then none of us would feel like jerks for initiating or not initiating the conversation. or in my case, tell the world about it on my blog
How did you find out about my chameleon Mustang? I just heard it was the key to your heart and bought it from..I have no idea what you’re talking about, Brit. Also, there’s nothing wrong with the word “pimping” or the act itself. Anyone who says otherwise is just a hater.And Brit having drama? No way. I don’t believe it. Never. She never lets crazy people into her life.
i’m getting better whitty. slowly
lil phant huh? how bout Biggy Phants smalls? or B Phants Pants G-star? oh just simply… Phat phants? hehe I wonder if your “friend”has read this. I hate it when people promise and swear they are soo looking forward to catching up after not seeing each other for a gajillion years…. then nothing! lying bastards.. i mean those people! hehe.