Now that you’ve had sufficient time to recover from your recent overdose of all things ridiculous and heart shaped… it’s time for you to pull up a seat, sharpen your pencil, steal a couple glue sticks, and grab a lunchable [or maybe some of those pre-sliced apples in the little pouches designed for the world’s laziest moms]. Please clear your mind of all recent uncomfortable encounters, romantic endeavors gone awry, and anything else that might prohibit you from fully absorbing the knowledge I’m about to impart upon you. Open your eyes, your ears, and most importantly your hearts… because The Elephant’s School of Life is back in session.
It’s time for another installment of “What You Can Learn From My Inexcusable Mistakes” [or] “The Moral of The Elephant’s Story” [or] “Just Don’t Do This And You Should Be Ok”
1. Don’t be scared of braces. Because if your teeth are jacked up then you’re gonna have to deal with it at some point if you want to be socially acceptable. Except by that time, you won’t be covered under your parent’s insurance anymore, so you’ll be out six grand and 22 with braces.
The moral: Get over it metal face. No one’s gonna even notice anything past the unsightly acne and oversized glasses on your face anyway.
2. Don’t start dating a psychopath, one so crazy, that you must runaway to Europe to hopefully be rid of him. It won’t work. He’ll come to visit you and wisk you off to Paris, where he’ll lose his wallet and force you both to wander around the red light district, all dressed up, without any money, or knowledge of the French language. Then you’ll get all deathly ill and it will start to hail. Unfortunately, he will still propose to you. You’ll say no, but he’ll have you keep the ring anyway in a lame, yet crafty attempt to get you to reconsider. But it won’t work cus you are smarter than that. When you finally come home, you will put the ring in your glove box so that you can bring it back because you are not a gold digging whore. However, in a random twist of fate, one of your “friends” will borrow your car and steal it before you have the chance.
I guess there could be two three morals here: Don’t date a psychopath. Or let anyone borrow your car. Or have a glovebox.
3. Don’t accidentally use a long distance # to connect your dad’s AOL dial-up so you can instant message your high school friends all night long. Please understand that “FREE TRIAL” doesn’t also apply to the phone bill. Oh sorry, that one was kind of outdated. But I’m serious dad, I’ll cut you a check for that real soon!
4. If you should still find yourself dating a psychopath, [even after my strong warning against doing so] don’t runaway to Europe to get rid of him. Not only will that fail miserably, but you will end up meeting a new, even worse, British psychopath.
The moral: If you have the choice between foreign and domestic psychopaths, always stick with American made. Keep American jobs here!
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