Dearest lovebirds of all shapes and sizes,
With the corniest scam holiday of the year fastly closing in on us, I thought I’d take the opposite approach to many websites, which list “good” Valentines Day gift ideas. This could be because I hate Valentines Day. Or that I take the opposite approach to just about everything. If you could just hold on for one quick sec, while I finish this box of ice cream. Much appreciated.
This post is strictly for the males out there, as you know, I’ve always got your back. I suggest you brace yourselves cowboys – because there’s a fierce wind coming your way and it’s about to blow your friggen mind.
1. Stuffed animals. Whether it be a GIANT red atrocity from the Walmart candy aisle or a Vermont Teddy Bandit bear, you are not to buy us any form of a stuffed animal. Nevermind the bombardment of commercials tell you that this is a good idea, it’s a glitch in the Matrix. It isn’t cute. We aren’t going to sleep with it every night. It won’t remind us of how much we love you, but rather the dilemma we face over where we can possibly place a GIANT-bright-red-stuffed bear that doesn’t match anything. Nothing.
Exceptions: You are dating a 9 year old.
2. Lotion sets. Alright, how much lotion do you think we need exactly? We’re already trying to rotate the twelve lotion sets we have from the past four Christmas, birthdays, Valentines Days, Flag days, and that bout with pneumonia – none of which we even like the smell of to begin with. Unfortunately, we won’t allow ourselves to throw away perfectly good lotion -so we are forced to hoard them in misery.
Exceptions: You are dating someone with incurable dry skin. An aligator, perhaps.
3. Pajama-grams. First of all, what just happened? Second of all, no. Do you really think we want something from a company that says “this is the only gift guaranteed to get her clothes off”…..? This is the worst thing you could EVER think of getting a woman. Not only are these pajamas guaranteed to be butt ugly and itchy, but they come with additional accessories like “do not disturb” signs and flowered sachets. gag.
Exceptions: She is homeless and has nothing else to wear.
Guys, avoid these things along with anything that can be purchased from Walgreens of CVS and you should be alright. For the most part.
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Or you could just be like me and Mr. Enna and not celebrate the day at all. It’s my birthday, valentine’s day, then his birthday. Early in the relationship we were like “Damn, February is a short, expensive month. Screw valentines!” And henceforth we never celebrated it again.
trust me enna. i don’t celebrate it 😉 come on now, as my twin you should know that
With a name like Bearman….giving a teddy bear for any occassion is OK. I don’t…but it’s still OK.
hah. well bearman, i suppose i see your point. you may be the exception
Dang…they all just arrived yesterday!!! What am I going to do now!
What about The Biggest Loser cookbook…that is pretty hot right now…will that work?
yea, the post was getting lengthy so you can tell your buddy of yours that i left off all “weight related items” but just assume they are always off the table
I too dislike Valentines. And being in my late 20’s, what in the world am I to do with stuffed animals ? They quickly become my dogs toys….
However – wine is always appreciated. Always.
julie.. a girl after my own heart. thats a gift you can really use.
Yeah, Valentine’s is overrated though I must give kudos to my boyfriend for having a masseuse show up at the apartment on my day off (monday) to give me a surprise hour and half long massage. Happy Valentine’s Day to me! That was honestly the most perfect Valentines gift I’ve ever received and not useless/corny at all. I think he knows better than to get me stuffed animals, etc. But I’m not a fan of the holiday in general and still don’t know what to get for him so if you want to blog about what men want for valentines day that could be helpful. 🙂 I need suggestions.
haha. jo, its funny that i was going to put that in at the end of the post “just get us a massage” because honesty, we ALWAYS want that.
if you want to blog about what men want for valentines day that could be helpful.
hmmmmmmm…..
I figure I have a leg up on other guys when it comes to Valentine’s day gifts, since I possess one thing no other man can give a woman, which of course amounts to the greatest gift ever: Me.
The problem? Finding ladies worthy of such a gift.
Oh, and I’d probably buy Julie some wine too.
Brandon –
I’m going to need the wine first – the gift of “you” will be even more appealing that way.
Red please.
julie.. red is SO the way to go. give me white wine and it’s like, okay… let me cook some chicken in this
Woah woman, the gift of ME is appealing regardless.
But Julie, you’ll get your red wine anyway. Don’t want to disappoint on such a uh… “special” day.
KIDS! you stop your fighting right now or NO ONE gets a teddy bear or any wine
“special” as in annoying – right up there with new years as pointless holidays with the added nuance of “what are you doing for _______” – yet when someone asks what you did last year – you don’t remember
jules (i think i use a different nickname everytime i speak to you, my bad) anyway, i despise new years. yet another scam created by champagne companies. don’t even get me started. and do you ever notice that new years ALWAYS sucks… no matter how many conversations you and your friends have regarding”we gotta do something really fun this year, seriously, new years sucked last year” – thats exactly what i wrote about in my story for chicken soup for the soul – how new years sucks and i never make resolutions. ugh.
Yeah, that was the implication. It’s just another excuse for people to get drunk and do something stupid, or for people to build expectations over something entirely inconsequential.
whitty- i guess you lived up to your name. you are just far too whitty… your comments just blow right past us like a cool breeze.
I never need an excuse to get drunk – hence the red wine.
Well played, Julie.
[…] newsmag.us offers latest news and information put an intriguing blog post on What not to buy for Valentines DayHere’s a quick excerptExceptions: You are Bdating/B a 9 year old. … Exceptions: You are Bdating/B someone with incurable dry skin. An aligator, perhaps. […]
I think I’m insulted. elephant, you should be nicer to me. Plus, we weren’t even fighting. If anything, we were building our love.
i do consider my blog one of the #1 places to make a quality love connection
Oh Brit I am with you – white wine is for cooking – if that.
Don’t get me wrong, if it’s that or nothing – I love white wine. ha.
haha, julz we’ll take what we can get right?
I linked you AGAIN woman – trying to pay it back! And give you props 🙂
dang girl, you be giving out that love so freely. what is it the 60s?
U all love v day. I’ll prove it. If you had to choose between vday and sweetest day, which would u dump off the calendar. All hands for sweetest day. At least v day or vd as I like to call it is on the same day each year. U women like to f with us on sweetest day bc u know we will miss it.
first of all bearman, youre asking the wrong girl here, because when you say choose between sweetest and valentines day – i say “what the crap is sweetest day?” I think i’ve heard of this a couple times, but never in my life have i known when it was or thought about celebrating it. I say do away with them both
Sweetest Day??? What is this?
you had me at “the corniest scam holiday.” lol!
hubby and i don’t celebrate v-day.
but i do hope you write more posts about not buying those idiotic giant stuffed animals. a mass boycott might help the manufacturers to stop producing them. 😉
well maria, gosh darnit, thats what it is. I”m trying to do my part on behalf of all the ladies of the land
Obama with blue lips. Never heard of Sweetest day (must be a US thing). Is everyone Canadian here but me?
haha, well bear, i’m from Chicago.
And I’m from right near the elephant, so I’m not Canadian either.
I couldn’t even begin to venture a guess as to which month Sweetest Day resides in, let alone whether it means anything.
I’m in Canada as we speak and never heard of sweetest day, I think he means Swedish day, which is the third Wednesday in April on most US calendars.
I know what my wife is getting for Valentines Day – naked.
ahhh. touche michael.
On second glance I raced to the comments section and sped through your post, hilarious! Especially liked the exceptions bit, the alligator and the 9 yr. old were particularly funny.
how dare you speed through my post, what is this nascar.
Just saw that vermont teddy bear commercial tonight during LOST. What the heck?! I was actually out of the room during the commercial and my husband called me back into the room…saying “Be honest…do you know any girls who would actually LIKE this?!” Answer: NO! Come ON! What is up with this weird crap. I know v-day is annoying, but I really can’t remember it being this weird in years past.
A REAL conversation one of my college roommates had with her boyfriend our sophomore year in college (overheard by myself and another mutual female friend).
Guy: “Why don’t we just go out for dinner and spend time together and not worry about buying each other gifts for valentine’s day this year? Neither of us has much money right now.”
Girl: “But Joooo-osh (imagine the whiniest voice EVER here…but name changed to protect the dude ;))….that’s what Valentine’s Day is about! BUYING each other stuff!!!”
I wish I made this up. I really can’t believe I knew, much less LIVED with, someone that shallow and ridiculous!!!
see, rach, i’ve always been the one who’s like seriously – if you waste money on any of that crap for me i’ll be mad. everyone who knows me knows that i’m all about the crafty creative stuff. although most guys have a hard time with creative ideas.. .. but see, i’m trying to force them to have to be by refusing crappy gifts. if we all unite together, we could change the world.
Thanks for the advice, I’ll take it to heart! (Not sure if you should be making exceptions for men who date 9 year olds though…)
well, just trying to drive the point home ram, know what i’m sayin
So, what if I want to buy the elephant something for Valentine’s? Something that isn’t weird, I’m thinking a vintage book, smell and all.
dale. that might just be the elephant’s favorite gift. no wait, it is
[…] What not to buy for Valentine’s day […]
Kitchen implements are a no-no, too. And if you happen to be dating/married to someone who would be pleased to receive an iron or a juicer for Valentine’s Day, you are with the wrong man/woman/transgender person (I am an equal opportunities insulter).
The real St Valentine was caught assisting Christians, taken prisoner, beaten with clubs and finally beheaded. And if that isn’t romance enough for you, I’m not sure what is.
hahaha. thats hilarious woman. how in the heck did it turn into this ridiculously mushy piece of crap holiday after originiating from that? like i said, total scam
[…] I’m sure you can tell by the titles of these posts that Woman in Black is my kind of lady, except the British version. Except not as PG… but that’s just how they roll. Yes, she is your new favorite Euro-blogger. I truly fell in love with her when she left me this comment on my What Not To Buy For Valentine’s Day post: […]
[…] (this blog really has no clear point or agenda”). But that’s the fun in it. From What Not to Buy for Valentines Day to talking up some “friend” of hers named Kenny, which we are all waiting for that day […]
[…] (this blog really has no clear point or agenda”). But that’s the fun in it. From What Not to Buy for Valentines Day to talking up some “friend” of hers named Kenny, which we are all waiting for that day […]