So if there’s one thing that might force me to relinquish all respect for my mother, it would be that she loves Neil Diamond. And black licorice. Both, unforgivable offences. If you didn’t know, Neil made a guest appearance on tonight’s Grammies. I wasn’t warned of this, obviously. This gave me no choice but to switch to Bravo, where they were playing The Real Housewives of Orange County rerun-marathon that I now have memorized, which gave me no choice but to mute it and write this blog.
I went and saw the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You“ on Friday. I have been living in anxious anticipation of this movie since I first picked up the book – one of three that I’ve actually read in my life. While I was watching it, I couldn’t help but reminisce on all of the unfortunate male mishaps I’ve had in my life, which there is not enough available space left on the internet to fully chronicle.
Guys: this post is for your benefit. Just know if you do any of these things, no girl will ever be that into you.
1. White-tiger-internet-guy. Okay, so, remember when you were much younger and much stupider, and you and your friends put your profile on a dating site for the heck of it? And then out of nowhere some guy actually contacted you and wanted to meet forreal? And then you were super freaked out, but didn’t know how to turn him down? Oh, just me. Well, as the stars would have it, a charming young man would invite me to coffee. In the course of casual emailing, I had mentioned that I always wanted a pet white tiger. That may not be something that usually ever comes up in your casual conversations, but it would if you were talking to me. So I arrive, at a well-lit, public place (I was stupid, but cautious) and waddya know the moment I sit down, he hands over a stuffed white tiger. Okay.
dont. ever. do. that.
You better believe that one of my family members had a life-threatening emergency about 10 mins after he handed over the animal.
2. Underware-model-Wrigley-field-guy. I’m sure there’s alot of people who may over look certain flaws or potential sources of conflict in a relationship if the person is strikingly gorgeous or from a famous family. This would be underware model wrigley field guy. Indeed, nice to look at. Indeed, of noble blood. But let’s just make something drastically clear: if you check your reflection in a car window or talk about water weight on a regular basis – we’re just not going to last. An instant snapshot of our granola and jogging filled future popped into the forefront of my mind, and it was over.
3. Italian-gold-chain-guy. I love Italians. But as soon as they leave Italy, something just goes haywire. I myself, am Italian – but not that Italian. Orazio was his name. Orazio was one of the sweetest people on earth. He had a good job, and was to inherit his dad’s uber successful business. He opened doors, pulled out chairs, held the umbrella…all that good, but uneccessary stuff. But this poor guy was just too Italian. He wore a gold chain. And as soon as my eyes caught the first gleam of that blinding light, it was the beginning of the end.
This is a pretty funny video entitled: “10 chick flick cliches that aren’t in He’s Just Not That Into You”
Recently, I was recruited by someone to put my freelance writing profile on IList.com. Because I’m awesome, and for no other reason. Don’t worry, the place is legit, it’s like a craigslist of sorts. I checked it out and I thought, well since they had already set up everything for me and I only had to put in my web address – ok, fine. Any more work than that and this elephant would have went right back to bed. No longer than 12 hrs. after I listed my profile, I get this exact email to my personal address:
The deadline is friday night 10:00 central time, cus that’s where I’m at baby. I will draw names from a hat (not Kenny’s hat) and then contact you sometime after that. And since you won’t believe me, I will even take pictures of myself drawing names and somehow turn it into a lame blog post. Man, I make things so easy for you. Plus I’m handing out reminders… what am I your mom? what am I an elementary school teacher? 
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